If you miss me while I’m gone, catch up on old posts - If you’ve read every single post I have, you’d deserve a gift in the new year, so email me (i’ll give you a quiz obviously). Have a good break guys, try and relax mentally, that’s the most important part! And remember- January is 200 days long so don’t spend all your money on Christmas presents!
See you in January!!!
Do you remember your first break up? Probably. There’s something about those romantic rites of passage that stay with you. Do you remember your first friendship break-up though? Those memories are probably hazier. I remember mine- not the first friendship that ended, but the first person that broke up with me. A guy- let’s call him James. He sent me a long text basically saying “I don’t want to be friends anymore”- and you know what? I got it. I wasn’t always the best friend to him, nor him to me. I suspect some of our relationship was based on ignoring his semi-romantic feelings but also exploiting it as a basis for friendship. It’s hard to say because it’s easy to make things up when you’re looking back. I just know that he sent me a text breaking up with me.
A couple of months ago, I asked people on Instagram to send stories of their friendship break-ups. I got lots of responses, but the thing that stuck out was the confusion of it, no one knew why their friendships ended and no one really wanted it to happen. When you have a falling out with a romantic partner, it’s easy to point to the things that indicate that something is wrong- a day without speaking, an absence of touch- with friendships, it’s so much harder. I sent a message to one of my friends- a long message- explaining that I felt like something was wrong because she had been distant- and she said “I don’t speak to my friends everyday”- and I found it impossible to explain that the distance I was talking about had very little to do with speaking every day. But how do you explain that with no rules around what a friendship should look like?
I feel like you fall in love platonically in the same way you fall in love romantically. I fell in love with one of my friends. It was a friendship I poured my heart and soul into- it’s hard to say if the feeling was the same for her, I never felt like it was but I don’t know what the truth is. As I grow older, friendships are less intense, but I’m also less likely to second guess myself about other people’s feelings. Although we were friends for a good long time, the friendship started to disintegrate slowly- almost impossible to see. Even after we stopped speaking, I felt like maybe eventually, we could be acquaintances of some sort, but then I quickly realised, the way you sometimes realise that your ex has deleted all your pictures and blocked you, that the friendship might well and truly be over.
I don’t think I’ve ever been good at friendship; I do feel like I’ve gotten better at it over time or maybe what I’ve gotten better at is accepting myself and therefore my own role in the success and failure of relationships. It’s something that has always made me pretty insecure- trying to measure the quality of my friendships and by doing that, measure the quality of myself as a person.
I think in the way that you sometimes pick bad romantic partners based on something that has affected your self-esteem, the same can be true of picking friends. I’ve had friends when I was younger that I know I wouldn’t be friends with at this older age and I can look at myself in some friendships in the past and know that I was pretty shit. For a long time, I used to beat myself up about friendships that didn’t work out, but at the end of the day, it won’t always and that’s fine.
The other day, I replied to a post that my friend put up and he replied “You always have to make it about you” to me it seemed to come from nowhere, but obviously it came from somewhere. In an ideal world, that would have been the start of a deep conversation that explained the source of his angst, but it’s not an ideal world and it didn’t. Before I had the chance to overthink it, I realised three things:
1. any reflection would be completely one sided
2. we hadn’t had a proper conversation in years and had barely seen each other
3. any excavation would be pointless if the first two things weren’t addressed first.
And I think that’s the thing. There’s an absence of true communication in a lot of adult friendships because it’s embarrassing to put true feelings on the table- jealousy and hurt and all of it. Everyone tells me my feelings are valid in romantic love or even with family, not with friends. I know I’ve felt embarrassed 98 percent of the time when I’ve shared feeling hurt in a friendship and not hurt by say a fight- but hurt by distance, hurt by eroding trust, hurt by a lack of support- there are so many things that don’t have to be deal breakers if there was a template to communicate them but friendships are supposed to “just work” ,so many things go unsaid.
If I hear one more “no one owes you anything” or “friendships where we don’t speak for 3 years and pick up where we left off >>>”- we have the time and emotional energy for everything apart from developing healthy friendships where expectations are met majority of the time, and hurts and disappointments are being communicated in a healthy and open way.
I’ve had a lot of friendship break-ups after that first text and most of the time, I had no idea why- sometimes, I’m sure there is no reason, we grow in different directions but I know that there must have been situations where there were reasons and I don’t know them because my friend never talked to me about it and that kind of sucks.
I have much better friendships now with people that communicate their needs clearly. I do the same. I no longer measure closeness by the frequency and length of our conversations. I don’t hesitate to ask for things or time. I am thankful for the things and time that I am given, but I don’t see it as something less than I deserve. I deserve my friends; I deserve their best and they deserve the same too. They deserve to be hurt if they feel abandoned or not listened to, they deserve to question if I’m completely absent from the lives and forget milestones. They deserve praise and unyielding support and trust. They deserve open and honest communication when things aren’t right. I will continue to give that and expect that. You know what that is? Growth.
For my birthday this year, I wanted to start with a post titled “30 things I’ve learnt from being 30” or some variation of that. I’ve written 30 lessons and was all set to post it, but I’ve decided to start the new year the way I’ve lived the last year- honestly.
Earlier this year, I published this podcast episode about what it’s like to be 30 and unsuccessful. It was actually really hard to put myself out there like that and I don’t think I can listen to it but I was sick of this idea that 30 was this magical year of success and wealth- I’m sure it is for some people, but it wasn’t for me and it’s not for a lot of people.
Yes, I was sharing the truth, but a big part of me felt like it was the truth before the breakthrough, like obviously I’ve been through this and shared it and only a matter of time before I start seeing the windows to success opening.
I’m 31 and unsuccessful. Oops.
This isn’t a sad post and no, I’m not going to scrounge through my year looking for something that looks like success in order to reframe my story, it is what it is. If you had told me when I was 23, that I would be here, broke and relatively unaccomplished, I would have laughed in disbelief at the guts of you to imagine it.
But yet.
Life is random and interesting and you just never know. I’ve made peace with not controlling outcomes, just processes and for the first time in a long time, I feel…okay.
Happy birthday to me.
My mum pushed me to the edge of my creativity by making me draw freehand on cakes. I drew so many groovy chick characters that I basically invented my own groovy chick characters. I hand painted wedding cakes, I invented new characters for cupcakes- once I even drew 50 cents on a cake. In retrospect, it’s easy to gather all the signs of acceptance and paint a picture for yourself but at the time, I wanted the movie kind- the YOU ARE MY CHILD LETS TAKE YOU TO ART SCHOOL KIND.
I think the thing that hurts the most, even though everything hurts, is that as I grow older and can understand so many things so much better, she won’t be here. As I teach myself to be more overt in showing affection, I can’t do the same to her.
My mum was the kindest, most thoughtful person ever, but she was so socially awkward. I don’t think we think of parents as being awkward people or people with anxiety or as anything other than people that should be perfect, and I think that’s such a shame. She was a terrible hugger, like she would slap your back awkwardly, I think I inherited that. She wasn’t one to really say “I love you” or “I miss you” but she knew every single friend I had, we talked about all sorts of random stuff, she would buy something if she knew you were interested, if I needed someone to help me find some niche thing, she was there. I always used to be so upset that she wasn’t anticipating my needs that I was overlooking that she was listening when I asked.
My mum was on twitter and Instagram all day everyday, but she got upset with me for not doing her social media management for her brand. I was like muuum you’re on Instagram more than me!
She worked long hours for so many years, most of her life really- often having to reschedule vacations or cut them short because of work. When she finally left the corporate world, I had never seen her happier. She indulged in so many of her hobbies like talking on the phone from 5am (I promise you, you’ve never seen someone talk on the phone more), going to the market (legit, how can going to the market be a hobby), she made so many new friends, spent a lot of time on social media, walked a lot, spent more time with everyone and tried all sorts of new meals. Her vacations weren’t cut short by work and she was like a million times happier. She also got her make-up done sooooo much, she got so good at it too. Apparently, when she was younger, her nick name was “in vogue.”
I think everyone enjoyed events more when my mum was there because you got to go, and then you got to experience it again through her own re-telling. Whenever she went somewhere I didn’t go, I would ask her questions about it for months and get a new piece of information each time, which I would relay on Sunday family day to everyone so that she could tell the story again. When I was with her, I would argue my own point of view vs hers.
My mum liked to say she wasn’t a feminist. But she only liked to say it to rile me and my sister up. She was my biggest example of standing up for yourself and having your own life. She tried so many things, and always aimed to live her best life.
One of her biggest frustrations was that she couldn’t draw. She had so many creative ideas, but she had no way to translate them. She would give me these vague instructions and get annoyed when I said, “I don’t understand what you’re asking me to do”.
From the moment you’re engaged, your relationship becomes between you, your partner and a lot of family and friends. I thought I was prepared for this, but I was not. The only thing everyone kept telling me to prepare for was fighting a lot with my partner and our relationship falling apart because of the stress of wedding planning, which was the one thing that didn’t happen.
As someone who has been a bridesmaid ten times, you would think I would have known to do this. The first thing I had to give up was my ideal venue. Before I got engaged, I imagined renting out a restaurant and covering it with flowers and having only 300 guests. I had talked about this idea with my family before and everyone was super onboard…until I got engaged. Then, everyone looked at me like it was a ridiculous idea until it started to seem ridiculous to me too. Luckily, My amazing partner, and my dear friend planned a surprise party for me the next week that was as close to my ideal wedding plans as possible. *tears of gratitude*
my gorgeous engagement cake
In theory, everyone knows that weddings are expensive. Everyone knows that everything costs more. I still wasn’t prepared for it. The first shock was venues- mate. When I say Pry you say See- Pri-cey.
In my first meeting with a potential decorator, she asked me what my budget was and laughed when I gave an answer.
The first reception dress vendor I went to was trying to charge half of a million for the FABRIC. Not the work o- the actual like 3 yards or so of dirty fabric that she pulled from a cupboard.
The manager of the hall misrepresented herself as the owner and overcharged us by almost double. I only found out after the wedding.
There were people that don’t even follow me on Instagram, don’t have my number and I’m 100 percent sure have never read a single word of this blog that I’ve had for like 5 years, that expected to be invited to my wedding. Now my wedding wasn’t an invite only thing, people could have turned up if they wanted etc but seriously, a wedding isn’t a free turn up (at least it shouldn’t be), don’t be awkward and expect invites from people that you know you don’t care about in real life.
A pricey hotel room, an expensive car rental, the cost of slippers for guests- for some reason, everything makes sense when you’re in that wedding haze. That’s why it’s important to know beforehand what your absolute nos are because if you don’t decide beforehand, you will end up overspending on things you don’t care about. And don’t think you won’t regret it- post wedding spending regret is very real.
1. The DJ is the absolute most important part of your day. Do not pick someone you haven’t heard play a full set before, seriously. I had heard my dj at two weddings before I booked him, so I was sure he was going to be fire. If you have everything sorted and your dj isn’t great, the vibes will be dead.
2. Give your MC clear instructions about what you want to do- my MC had crystal clear instructions from the planner and he was appropriate and almost abrupt, which was what we wanted. The reception was very quick and I enjoyed that. Think about the wedding from a guest perspective, most people can’t even hear what’s going on on stage, so making it long is just dead.
3. Hire multiple food vendors to start at different times- I think this was a big key in everyone having food throughout the day. We also made vendor and driver food packs because realistically, you can’t have people working all day and not make arrangements to feed them. My worst nightmare was random guests having to know someone to get food, I’ve been in those situations and it’s not nice.
We had a main caterer that we could trust to feed everyone and then many many many many smaller caterers with food to feed numbers ranging from 100-300 people. We also had bowls of fruit on every table as the centre pieces and boxes of local snacks on each place setting. Basically, there was no chance of going hungry at the wedding. I think at some weddings where you don’t get food, it can seem like it’s because of a lack of food or planning, but most times, it’s because of poor management of food vendors on the day, which brings me to my next point.
4. The on the day co-ordinator is one of the most important people in the wedding. There’s a difference between wedding planning and wedding co-ordination and I feel like not enough people know that. It’s a shame to spend so much money and time making sure everything is great and then your guests having a poor experience and here’s the thing, you probably won’t ever know, sadly. Your experience as the couple is far removed from people’s experiences as guests. Vet the co-ordinator really really carefully, honestly. I wish I could recommend mine but she came out of retirement to plan and co-rodinate as a favour to my mum and isn’t in the business anymore.
pre wedding make-up trial
5. If there are souvenirs that you only want specific people to get (like I made slippers with shoe bags for people to put their shoes in for young guests), include a tag to receive that as part of your access cards. I was bummed that the slippers kept going to people I didn’t intend for them to go to (yes, big auntie, I know you like slippers and shoe bags, but you’re not dancing).
6. Things are bound to go wrong, take it in your stride and enjoy your day. Ask any of our guests and they’ll tell you I was the happiest bride, because the day only happens once and I could not be bothered for anything to upset me. I had fun with my friends, ignored wardrobe mis-haps and changed into slippers at like 5pm. I didn’t worry about my husband or family, I focused on myself and had a great time. Luckily, most people had a great time too.
I’m sure I’m missing out so much, but I’m tired. Drop a comment if you have any questions or vendor recommendations and message me if you want to ask something more private. Also let me know your own planning experience(s)!
Diet culture, intuitive eating, intermittent fasting. If 2019 has been the year of anything, it’s been the year of body buzzwords. There is a call to reject diet culture, adopt intuitive eating and nothing in-between. It’s left a lot of people confused because no-one ever says anything concrete about HOW to go from eating creamy pasta, wine and chocolate 7 times a week to knowing your body needs only two forks of rice and stopping there. So while we wait for the trend to shift from the should to the how, let’s think about stuff we can do to fool ourselves into almost being there.
Always front load your day with something healthy- have the smoothie for breakfast. Poach some eggs. Whatever the healthiest thing is in your house, eat it. At least, if it all goes downhill from there, you can look back at breakfast and remember that you already ate all 5 of your 5 a day in that one smoothie.
Stop buying junk food for later- when you’re out, eat the dessert, have the cocktail but don’t pack anything. When you go to Hans & Rene, order only what you can have at that exact moment, don’t order anything “for later”. You may feel out of control of your current decisions, but there’s no need to also plan for bad future decisions.
Buy the smaller version always - when chocolate or plantain chips find their way into your basket in the grocery store, buy the smallest version. The mini chocolate bars, the smaller bags of crisps, the 33cl Diet Coke, because you know that when you open that bag, you’re going to want to keep going.
Look at the menu online- when you’re eating out, look at the menu online (as much as possible, because in Lagos, you can’t always find it) and decide what to order beforehand. Give yourself a few options. You may or may not stick to it at the actual restaurant, but more times than not, it will stop you from feeling overwhelmed and over-ordering.
Keep a small bottle of water in your line of sight at all times- you’re more likely to reach for it and with water, it’s always about trying
Stop eating food you don’t like- seriously- if you love salad drenched in dressing, drench it and eat the salad- don’t force yourself to do the opposite and only eat it. I find it weird that there’s so much more policing of the “right” way to do healthy than the actual unhealthy food. Your body still gets vegetables either way.
Start dealing with any emotional issues related to eating - not everyone that eats a lot is an emotional eater, but if you are, dealing with the emotions is necessary and being honest with yourself is a start.
I was just as tired of all the “do this diet” talk as I am of the “stop diet culture, love your body, eat intuitively”. We are all just trying out best okay?
Durex published a study called the orgasm gap that found that 75% of women do not orgasm during sex. While obviously, it was 75% of the women surveyed and not all women everywhere, I’m willing to bet that those numbers translate across a larger number of women.
Is it weird that social conditioning of sex centres male pleasure? How come sex is “over” when a man orgasms? How many times as a woman have you felt like you can stop mid-way and be like “that’s enough for me for now” if it’s before the man cums?
I don’t know about anyone else’s conditioning growing up, but sex was definitely something not good. Something when you’re old, something when you’re married, and even when you eventually have sex, something that you do because your husband wants to.
Male pleasure has always been a given. Women are taught to do everything to tide the uncontrollable urge in men to satisfy their sexual desires. A man once told me that if women knew how men felt when they looked at them, they would want to cover up. A lot of discussion around rape centers clothes- the display of women and how in affects men.
In reality, sex has always been about control for men, and most women are socialised into respecting that hierarchy of needs. Prevent the desire in men, and when it’s your duty, never refuse.
Who taught you about pleasure? Who taught you to center your needs? Who taught you to masturbate and experience your body for yourself? Who taught you to speak about what you want? And be clear about what you don’t want? Who taught you that you had to play the part of sexy temptress and it was your duty to make sure your partner stayed interested in you?
Who is teaching you that your pleasure is important?
The lack of female pleasure doesn’t stop at sex. It’s in everything. It’s in taking up the majority of house chores and caring for your family and if you get married, your partners family. It’s being thoughtful and caring and remembering birthdays and events, not just for you, but for your partner, your family. It’s having more administrative responsibility at work, having to “earn” a massage and “treating” yourself to a pedicure. It’s being judged when your hair is anything less than perfect, being discussed when you put on any weight. It’s the fact that if you have kids, people ask you (and never your partner) where are the kids now? Who is with them? If any thing happens in their lives, everyone asks “where was the mother?”. You always have to be the bigger person, always ready to forgive. You have to teach and explain because “what good does anger do?” You have to constantly protect yourself from being raped or killed or insulted for no reason and be gracious doing it?
When do women ever just…rest?
And enjoy life?
All men interests are seen as important- playing games, sports - it doesn’t matter if women do them, but when they do them on men’s terms, its cool. Don’t you know the cool girl? The one that can talk fluently about her man’s team, rock his clothes better than him, beat him in his favourite game, then slip on the sexiest lingerie and cook the best meal ever?
Anyway, this isn’t the post I was going to write. I’ve been seeing a lot of vibrator chat on my twitter TL and I just wanted to amazon link the one* I saw coming up a lot (amazon delivers to Nigeria).
Are there times that you experience something new and you wonder why noone else is talking about it? A few of those things have happened to me recently and I’m mad confused. What better way to deal with it than discuss it with you guys???
Here it goes!
(All affiliate links will have a * next to them. If you purchase an item through the link, I will earn a small commission, but it will not affect your shopping price or experience)
Girl's Night Out is about to get a whole lot better. All episodes of Dollface premiere November 15, only on Hulu. ABOUT DOLLFACE Dollface follows Jules (Kat Dennings), a young woman who - after being dumped by her longtime boyfriend - must deal with her own imagination in order to literally and metaphorically re-enter the world of women, and rekindle the female friendships she left behind.
So this show came out like two weeks ago. It’s about this girl (woman) that breaks up with her long term partner and has to find her way back to the life and friends she had before. There area few imaginary elements, but nothing crazy. I saw it, started watching it and loved it. It’s about friendship more than anything else, a subject I am obsessed with. Why has noone else watched this???
As someone that is obsessed with magazines, I was really offended that I didnt know about this. I was on my news app the other day and noticed the + sign and was like um what’s this. Turns out it’s a magazine subscription service that apple launched way earlier in the year. Now I have faint memories of the original announcement but does no one use this? Am I the only one in the entire world that reads magazines? What’s happening here (I signed up for a one month free trial, obvs, but at 9.99 GBP, I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes.
I did not like Children of Blood and Bone* for many reasons but I was still committed to buying the books in the series because #buynigerian #supportblackwriters etc. In certain events that have taken place after the first book was published, I’m not so sure. However, the book was well received and well loved so I’m surprised that I haven’t seen the second instalment discussed more, considering it’s coming out in a week.
Has anyone else been in the dark about these things or is just me?
illustration from one of those free for all use websites - changed skin and hair colour.
The other day, I posted details of my vision board party aka the first ever event, whatdamidid as a brand is hosting. I had been talking about having this event for a while, in fact, I had hosted one in my house for some of friends earlier in the year.
One day, my sister pushed me (whether she intended to or not) by announcing it on twitter. I was forced to face my fears and announce it. The thing about fear is it just moulds to new situations, so I announced it, then I had to face the fear that in the end, it would be just me and one other person and I would have to face that fact that my event was a failure. I refreshed my email for payment invoices that weren’t coming and considered announcing that “by the way, I’m not making money from this, I’m just passionate about helping people discover and set goals”- then I realised I was being crazy and didn’t do that. I called my cousin and I talked to my husband and they assured me with their blind unfounded belief that it would all be fine.
I don’t know whether it’s going to be fine. It might flop. It might be the biggest disaster ever. I might lose a ton of money and it might dent my confidence, but the most important thing is, I’m doing it.
I started writing this post actually, to talk about how that act of putting myself out there, made me unable to post. I found myself slipping back into the hole I’ve constantly slipped back to in all the time i’ve had this blog. It is not for a lack of motivation that I don’t write, I have a lot of written and unpublished posts. It is giving in to that crippling anxiety that you have somehow embarrassed yourself by trying. You have shown that you care about something, about many things. You have put yourself out there and haven’t won. You have written and noone has read. You have spoken and no-one has listened. In a way, isn’t that freeing?
If no-one cares, then why not write? why not post? What’s the worst that can happen?
If only one person comes, maybe that’s an opportunity to bond or maybe it just means you failed this one time and there’s no lesson to be learnt. At least you know. At least you can move on mentally and do something else. At least you tried.
I no longer aim for success, because in a way, you can’t control outcomes, all you can control is effort, as long as I can make the effort, I am proud of myself. That has meant i’ve gone from being proud like once or twice a year to being proud almost daily. It hasn’t made me more successful, but it has made me happier, and I think being happy more often, that’s enough, for now.
You may also like-
the lazy perfectionist who doesn’t ever get to live their dream life
As the end of the decade and year draw close, we all inevitably fall into planning our hopes, dreams and goals for the new year. Quotes like “a lot can change in a year” start to feel more poignant and all you want to do is all you can to end the new year richer, with better skin and the fittest body ever.
Come let’s plan together and go a little beyond just visualising. I am not inviting you to a crafts class where you cut and paste pictures of pretty places and words like “superstar” and take that as your plan for the year- I’ve tried that, it didn’t work. Let’s have an honest conversation about what it means to set goals and how to fall in love with the process and then obviously, stick pretty pictures, eat cake and drink copious amounts of tea and alcohol. This is a very small gathering and I hope it to be honest, intimate and fun.
Buy tickets.
Tickets are N17,000 (seventeen thousand Naira) and include:
Materials
inspiration
Food & drink
goodie bag
This event will take place on Sunday, December 1, 2019. The venue will be Ikoyi, Lagos at 1pm. Confirmed attendees will be sent address details.
There are 14 spaces. As soon as 14 slots have been filled, I will disable the payment link. if by accident, your payment still comes in after the spaces have been filled, I will issue an immediate full refund.
The last payment date is Tuesday, 26th November, 2019.
The payment link will be disabled when the slots are full or on the above date, whichever is sooner.
If you have any questions about the event, please let me know!
illustration by @whatdamidid
Turn up Charlie premiered on Netflix on March 15 2019. I watched it like an hour after it dropped and finished it in that sitting. It has all the elements of shows I like; light, but emotional, funny and flawed characters with one or two redeeming qualities. I ignored the Ankara and ridiculous accents and enjoyed the whole thing.
For some people though, the opening Nigerian scene was too much and turned them more into turned off chale (haha I’m funny). They didn’t want to watch yet another parody. As Nigerians get even trendier, I don’t think we’re going to stop seeing ourselves parodied in books, and in tv shows. The thing that people are not acknowledging is that for all the things it got wrong about being Nigerian, there are a lot of things that it got right.
Let’s do a quick analysis of all the things it got wrong first.
Can we actually just stop with Ankara, even our friends abroad that always manage to be at least 7 seasons behind local wedding trends have let it go. Even Stella Jean …the Haitan-Italian designer who used Ankara as her claim to fame has expanded.So has Lisa Folawiyo. The moment Stella Mccartney made a collection of house wear Ankara dresses and sold them for thousands of pounds, it should have been a signal to every vaguely African intern giving advice to tv studios about Nigeria to yell cut on Ankara.
In one of the episoes, Charlies ex-girlfriend comes to give him a package of snails that his parents sent her from Nigeria. First of all, no one is sending anyone live snails, like can we chill. The snails would have been cooked, peppered, frozen and THEN sent. Secondly, his auntie makes some French snails and serves that up for dinner. My heart actually stopped in my chest because “are you mad??” that is NOT how we eat snail. We don’t suck anything. They should have asked the intern that made the anecdote about eating snail expand on what they meant ffs.
For anyone that grew up in Nigeria and went to A levels or uni in England, hearing a number of amalgamated accents is nothing new. So, it’s surprising to me that this confusing mess of accents hasn’t been adequately represented yet on tv. There’s that confusing lilt at the end of every sentence, and the way that some words crowd together, and that’s just from people that are trying to force themselves into a British accent.
There were the people that were raised in England from young age but grew up speaking Yoruba in their homes. The way the h factor and other Yoruba factors made it into their language and how their accents are perfectly British except for vowels and h consonants.
There were also people (like me) whose minds mentally started to switch accents and whose mouths would stop halfway. So, you’re stuck in this accent that is still Nigerian, but also not at the same time. I had an uncle that used to make fun of my accent in private, I found him ridiculous, but for my own privacy, I won’t say why.
These characters in Turn up Charlie- the accent they speak is just untrue, considering the fact that so many Nigerians speak perfect British, American or just plain Nigerian accents. Your accent isn’t what makes you Nigerian and I don’t see why TV takes that (and Ankara) as the only way to express authenticity.
Charlie is staying with his auntie who often pays his debts, takes him in rent free and feeds him. She supports him even when she doesn’t support his actions. But it also shows how community is extremely kind to Nigerian men. If we search our hearts, we all know a man that has survived abroad with community behind him, even when he hasn’t served that community in return. Unfortunately, from my observation, it’s not the case for women. I cannot imagine a woman in his position trying to do the same thing and being met with the same level of support. This guy was living in his auntie’s house and bringing women over…to…have…sex…with. Lol.
In the opening scene, Charlie calls his aunty by her name and she’s quick to correct him “who is Lydia, it is aunty Lydia, how many times must I repeat it”
The auntie is gay and outed by Charlie to his parents in the middle of a tantrum. However, the family already knows. Because of course they do. All families have their share of people with behaviours that they openly condemn and what they do with those people is judge them, in the hope that the judgment drives the secret underground more than solves it in any way. It’s not that they even think about whether or not they care about your attraction to people of the same sex, they care that you don’t show it or act on it. It obviously drives a wedge between family members, but it’s also a wedge that people choose to ignore. It’s a reminder that Nigerian love, family or not, is often conditional.
Charlie pretended to be successful- to his friends, to his parents. He rejected his friend’s offer of payment for nannying even though he was completely broke at the time. Having an inflated ego isn’t unique to Nigerians, but it’s a definite constant in Nigerians.
The degrees of separation between Nigerians are usually very short. After Charlie brings a random babe home, and his auntie walks in, she leaves her with “greet your mother for me”.
In the beginning of episode 2, the shot pans out to some random African city and the parents have a sticker of the Nigerian flag on their laptop. Lol. The conversation confirms so many stereotypes- “who is right, your mother or your watch?” and then requesting more money, then comparing him to other family members “your cousin in Manchester has been promoted and is having two babies” and then a little insult “she doesn’t want to end up like my poor sister Lydia, childless and alone.”
I hope Nigerians on tv and in print on on the big screen is something that’s here to stay and I hope depictions get more accurate as we tell our own stories!
You May Also Like
Living in Bondage: Thoughts and Feelings
Comedy TV Shows with a God Theme
How to Prep For a Day on The Couch
Let me tell you the truth. I don’t like wedding dresses. That kind of dress has never been my style, so this was a part I was least excited about but also the part where I expected the most- I’ve watched a lot of Say Yes To the Dress .
In my imagination, I had an outsized number of family and friends going dress shopping with me. In reality, that entourage is probably facilitated by the bride. Did I facilitate it? no. So did I have an entourage? no. I dragged my mum and my sister to a dress shop in New York, my mum proclaimed the first dress I tried on as her favourite and then went to buy water in a pharmacy down the road. My sister was only mildly interested. To be honest, the three of us were underwhelmed. In the end, I decided it was too early to commit.
In London, my aunties sent me links to shops and dresses and reminded me I needed to get it out of the way, but still, no one offered to shop with me. Again, did I say “hey guys, can you please come shopping with me because this whole thing is long and kind of overwhelming.” I did not.
In the end, I went dress shopping one time with a friend that was also getting married. The dresses suited my price point and my taste (to the extent that wedding dresses could suit my taste) but I kept feeling like there was something missing, so I didn’t buy a dress.
When I got back to Lagos, a lot of people started to remind me that I should be losing weight for the wedding. On some level, it occurred to me that it was why I hadn’t bought a dress. There was a part of me when I was shopping that was thinking “if I still have to lose weight before the wedding, do I have to commit to a dress now?”
I hired a personal trainer and tried and failed to start a diet. I got really fit and lost some weight, but my body didn’t change substantially. The wedding was getting closer and I still didn’t have a dress. I went with a friend to a very popular dress vendor in Lagos. When the owner walked into the store, she said to me “you’re too big to have left it so late.” I looked at her, speechless. I know Nigerians pride themselves in their rude honesty, but I was honestly speechless. I tried on two dresses and the sample dresses were honestly filthy - I hated them.
By now, it was too months to my wedding, and I had no dress.
I found a random tailor, bought 6 yards of white wedding satin, 15 yards of soft tulle and asked her to make me a dress. The tailor kept asking if it was a wedding dress and, in the end, she adjusted some things so it wouldn’t be ideal as a wedding dress. I honestly didn’t care. I think by this time, I was looking forward to the day after the wedding. Nothing bothered me anymore. Now that it was close, my family were concerned that I was going to look trash and kept seeking alternate options to my imperfect dress. I wasn’t interested. The day before the wedding, the counsellor assigned to us in church said that the top of my wedding dress was too sheer. Cue two of my friends hand sewing pieces of fabric on top of my cover up to make it less sheer. Nightmare. In the end, I was just glad when the church service was over, and I could move on.
The reception dress seemed like it was going to go way better at first. My aunt offered to sort it out. The first person we went to, her long-time friend and brilliant designer added so many extra zeroes to the end of her usual price, it was ridiculous. Eventually, we went to another designer who also sold fabric and bought some fabric. The fabric came first, style later. By this time, I was used to the designers telling me to make sure I lost weight in time for my final fitting.
By the time price and fabric were confirmed, the designer said I would have to buy more fabric for my dress style. This fabric was already super expensive, so there was no way I was doing that, so I offered to find fabric myself to mix in. Eventually, I bought fabric and dropped it at the studio. A couple of days later, no one had reached out to me. I followed up and was told that the fabric wouldn’t match. We made adjustments to the style. Remember, I was on a tight deadline here? After weeks of back and forth (oh you need to come back to fit with a different bra, oh I don’t know if this style would work for your body type), I went to the studio to ask what was happening. I left the studio and they called me and asked me to come and pick up my fabric because they refused to work with me. If I was reading this story on someone else’s blog, I would think “there has to be more to the story.” There wasn’t. They just chose to be crazy, which, as I found out during wedding planning is very common.
I picked up the fabric and it was now less than a month to my wedding.
About 10 days before the wedding, I convinced the designer that made my traditional wedding outfit to make my reception dress. In that time, they had to do a calico fitting (basically, using plain cotton to make the dress and adjusting it perfectly to my measurements and then using that as a pattern so the actual dress wouldn’t need adjusting) and also complete the dress. It was fantastic, fit perfectly and they delivered it to my house. I would absolutely recommend them. Their prices are good, their work is great, and their customer service is unbelievable.
One more thing about this dress thing. My aunt suggested I go to a designer to ask about my second dress. First of all, her consultation fee was N60,000 (refundable against a purchase, non-refundable with no purchase) and then when she costed the dress (with my fabric and a discount) she wrote out the price for me in a blue bic biro- N850,000. That was the most unbelievable thing that happened in this whole experience. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. Surprised does not begin to cover how I felt. Needless to say, I wrapped my fabric into my paper carrier bag, said my thanks and ran out of her store like my life depended on it.
My traditional wedding outfit was a much better experience. My mum bundled me in the car one morning and took me to Bisbod. We looked at different kinds of aso oke and colours and picked a colour and a finish everyone was happy with. I got it way ahead of the scheduled delivery time, it looked exactly how I wanted and Bisbod did a fantastic job. Bisbod recommended the designer that made me outfit and I had zero complaints or problems with them. They even came to my house on the day of the wedding to dress me. My traditional outfit was the best I looked and felt in the whole wedding experience.
My shoes for the traditional were also the first pair of shoes I bought for the wedding. I took the shoes to pick the fabric and that’s part of how we arrived at the colour. I bought three pairs of shoes for the wedding but ended up wearing only the ones for the traditional and then my mum’s shoes on the white wedding day.
For my court wedding, I wore an old dress.
For my nikkah, I wore what would have been my second outfit for the traditional if I changed.
When I started asking vendors for the price of hair and make-up, I just knew that it wasn’t going to click for me. There was no way I was spending x10 or x15 my normal hair price for the wedding. On the day, I asked my cousin to help me put it up and that was that.
Another cousin is a make-up artist and doing my make-up for free was her wedding gift to me.
I asked my friend that recently got married for her veil- in fact, I asked two friends for their veils and chose one on the day.
I know my experience is no where near typical, brides usually spend a lot more and care a lot more about their outfit. My aunties kept saying “what about the pictures?” but my thought was “I’ve taken pictures before and I will take pictures again” so that’s honestly not a consideration for spending ridiculous amounts of money on a dress or hair or accessories for one day or even a few hours.
My hair. I would have it done in a professional ponytail a few days before the wedding in a regular salon. I would have bought my church dress on asos. I think those are the only two things I would have done differently. I woke up the day after the white wedding and did not regret a single kobo spent. That to me was worth everything.
One more thing, I would have asked for help more and not felt like I was alone in all of it, because that was in my head.
1. These things weren’t important to me personally, if they were, I would have put more thought and effort into it and I think everyone should absolutely prioritise without apology, the things that are important to them during their wedding.
2. I made impulsive decisions about my church dress because I knew it was coming off as soon as the church service was over. I had absolutely no emotional attachment to it. My reception dress cost x5 times more, and my traditional outfit was in the range of my reception dress outfit.
3. I’ve been a bridesmaid TEN times (ridiculous, I know) and along the way, I kind of figured out what was worth it and what wasn’t for me. Brides often regret at least one of their dresses, their hair, random accessories and the price of their make-up.
4. Looking back on it now, none of it mattered at all. I was so happy on all of the days and grateful to every single person that came with me to fittings and brainstormed solutions and sent me their veils and stayed up most of the night hand sewing and offering to buy me a dress- there was so much love in the process, it was just different to how I imagined it at first.
Disclosure- some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.
So far this year, I’ve read one hundred and one books. I know- it’s crazy. It’s more exciting because my goal was 52. For the past two years, I’ve set a 100 books goal and made it, but just. After last year, I was TIRED, so tired, I considered not setting a goal at all, but I decided to set a goal for 52- one book every week, easy peasy. It’s true what they say- small goals work. Anyway, it’s a bit premature, but I thought I’d do my top books of the year, for people looking to buy books as gifts or whatever. If I read another amazing book, I’ll update this list at the end of the year.
If you like short, easy reviews, follow my bookstagram.
Synopsis- Ambitious businesswoman Mae Yu runs Golden Oaks - a luxury retreat transforming the fertility industry. There, women get the very best of everything: organic meals, fitness trainers, daily massages and big money. Provided they dedicate themselves to producing the perfect baby. For someone else.
Jane is a young immigrant in search of a better future. Stuck living in a cramped dorm with her baby daughter and her shrewd aunt Ate, she sees an unmissable chance to change her life. But at what cost?
My thoughts- I loved this book so much, I dropped it occasionally to run round the room in excitement because the author is just so good with words. I received an ARC (advanced readers copy) and was dying for it to come out so everyone could read it. The book is diverse and the characters and their motivations are complex, but the complexity isn’t forced down your throat. Definitely one of my top reads this year.
Synopsis- Millie Quint is devastated when she discovers that her sort-of-best friend/sort-of-girlfriend has been kissing someone else. Heartbroken and ready for a change of pace, Millie decides to apply for scholarships to boarding schools . . . the farther from Houston the better. Soon, Millie is accepted into one of the world's most exclusive schools, located in the rolling highlands of Scotland. Here, the country is dreamy and green; the school is covered in ivy, and the students think her American-ness is adorable. The only problem: Mille's roommate Flora is a total princess. She's also an actual princess. Of Scotland. At first, the girls can't stand each other, but before Millie knows it, she has another sort-of-best-friend/sort-of-girlfriend. Princess Flora could be a new chapter in her love life, but Millie knows the chances of happily-ever-afters are slim . . . after all, real life isn't a fairy tale . . . or is it?
My thoughts- This book took me out of a reading slump. It was so easy to read and the plot was fresh (I know it sounds like the most cliché plot ever but somehow the author managed to make it fresh). It’s one of my favourite reads this year for enjoyability alone!
Blurb- In this part-manifesto, part-memoir, the revolutionary editor who infused social consciousness into the pages of Teen Vogue explores what it means to come into your own – on your own terms.
My thoughts- I have to say, I had never followed Elaine Welteroth’s career, I found out about her from Project Runway. When her book was released, I realised I hadn’t picked up enough non-fiction, so I decided to read it and I was really pleased. Her trajectory is very interesting, becoming the youngest editor in chief at Conde Nast by the time she was 30 and for once, she actually detailed how she got there. In these memoirs, people often gloss over their path to success by Elaine does not, including lucky breaks, her hard work and people that helped along the way. It’s not all work though, she also talks about romantic relationships (past and present), family and friendship. Very easy and enjoyable read.
Synopsis-Whether you long to write a book, create art, cope with challenges at work, embark on a long-held dream, or simply to make your everyday life more vivid and rewarding, Big Magic will take you on a journey of exploration filled with wonder and unexpected joys. Readers of all ages and walks of life have drawn inspiration from Elizabeth Gilbert’s books for years. Now, this beloved author shares her wisdom and unique understanding of creativity, shattering the perceptions of mystery and suffering that surround the process – and showing us all just how easy it can be.
My thoughts- I’m a fan of books that just give you a boost of inspiration and that’s why I like this. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about overcoming fear in the creative process and actually doing your work- a struggle that at least 80 percent of creative people face! In fact, she might be part of the reason why this post is written and published right now! It’s a short book, under 200 pages, so it’s the perfect length to read quickly and get to work.
Blurb-A hilarious, snarky, and utterly addicting #ownvoices debut that explores friendship, sexual orientation, mental health, and falling in love (even if things might be falling apart around you).
My thoughts- I really loved this book. Part of it was the epistolary format (the entire book is in text messages) and the rest of it is just enjoying the characters and their relationship. It was all just very enjoyable.
Synopsis-Brooklyn middle-schooler MaKayla can only think about one thing--taking her double Dutch team all the way to the National Jump-off at Madison Square Garden. That is, until her mother breaks the news. Kayla has to spend the summer at her aunt's house in North Carolina while her parents work out their problems . . . or decide to call it quits.
Kayla does not feel at home in the South, and she certainly doesn't get along with her snooty cousin Sally. It looks like her Jump-off dreams are over.
Hold the phone! Turns out, double Dutch is huge in the South. She and Sally just need to find two more kids for a team. And a routine. And the confidence to stand up to the double Dutch divas who used to be Sally's BFFs. Time to show those Southern belles some Brooklyn attitude!
My thoughts- another middle grade book on my list of faves. Middle grade books are aimed at 8-12 year olds and I must be 10 in my heart, because I really fell in love with them this year. You know those movies that were all the rage in the noughties where there would be come kind of competition- cheerleading, dancing, jump rope, spelling, whatever and then the main character would have to overcome obstacles to get to the finish line, this was exactly like that, and it was a very fun journey.
Synopsis-Makeda June Kirkland is eleven years old, adopted, and black. Her parents and big sister are white, and even though she loves her family very much, Makeda often feels left out. When Makeda's family moves from Maryland to New Mexico, she leaves behind her best friend, Lena— the only other adopted black girl she knows— for a new life. In New Mexico, everything is different. At home, Makeda’s sister is too cool to hang out with her anymore and at school, she can’t seem to find one real friend.
Through it all, Makeda can’t help but wonder: What would it feel like to grow up with a family that looks like me?
My thoughts- the fact that this book was based a bit on the author’s actual life made it that much more deep. I have never read a story with this specific plot before and it really made me think of things I hadn’t thought of before. There are a lot of stories about not fitting into your family, but the idea of literally, obviously standing out in this way was an interesting subject to explore.
Synopsis- Dove "Birdie" Randolph works hard to be the perfect daughter and follow the path her parents have laid out for her: She quit playing her beloved soccer, she keeps her nose buried in textbooks, and she's on track to finish high school at the top of her class. But then Birdie falls hard for Booker, a sweet boy with a troubled past...whom she knows her parents will never approve of.
When her estranged aunt Carlene returns to Chicago and moves into the family's apartment above their hair salon, Birdie notices the tension building at home. Carlene is sweet, friendly, and open-minded--she's also spent decades in and out of treatment facilities for addiction. As Birdie becomes closer to both Booker and Carlene, she yearns to spread her wings. But when long-buried secrets rise to the surface, everything she's known to be true is turned upside down.
My thoughts- this had all the things I loved about young adult fiction. True growth and kind of that first step that makes you glimpse what adult life will truly be like. I loved the imperfect characters and the way the story broke the mould of the typical girl meets boy falls in love and nothing else important happens.
Synopsis- Frank Li is caught between his parents' expectations and his own California life. Frank's parents emigrated from Korea, and have pretty much one big rule for Frank - he must only date Korean girls. But Frank has fallen for Brit, who is smart, beautiful and white. His friend Joy Song is in the same boat and so they make a pact: they'll pretend to date each other in order to gain their freedom. Frank thinks fake-dating is the perfect plan, but it leaves him wondering if he ever really understood love - or himself - at all.
My thoughts- when I say I came for one story and left with something completely different! This book is so much deeper, more thoughtful and way more interesting than the blurb suggests. The story speaks on the American immigrant experience, not fitting in, complex family dynamics, sexuality and taking responsibility for your choices on the way into adulthood.
Synopsis-As Nnenna Maloney approaches womanhood she longs to connect with her Igbo-Nigerian culture. Her once close and tender relationship with her mother, Joanie, becomes strained as Nnenna begins to ask probing questions about her father, who Joanie refuses to discuss.
Nnenna is asking big questions of how to 'be' when she doesn't know the whole of who she is. Meanwhile, Joanie wonders how to love when she has never truly been loved. Their lives are filled with a cast of characters asking similar questions about identity and belonging whilst grappling with the often hilarious encounters of everyday Manchester.
My thoughts- what a delightful read. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I pre-ordered this because it was by a Nigerian (duh). The story I got was so much more layered than I expected. It’s really a story on identity, a struggle that all the characters share. Even though Nnenna is trying to connect to a Nigerian identity, this book is not a Nigerian story. It is far more accurate to think of it as a British story. Very very very good book.
Synopsis-Type-A Manhattan lawyer Dannie Kohan has been in possession of her meticulously crafted answer since she understood the question. On the day that she nails the most important job interview of her career and gets engaged to the perfect man, she's well on her way to fulfilling her life goals.
That night Dannie falls asleep only to wake up in a different apartment with a different ring on her finger, and in the company of a very different man. The TV is on in the background, and she can just make out the date. It's the same night - December 15th - but 2025, five years in the future.
It was just a dream, she tells herself when she wakes, but it felt so real... Determined to ignore the odd experience, she files it away in the back of her mind.
That is, until four and a half years later, when Dannie turns down a street and there, standing on the corner, is the man from her dream...
My thoughts- again, this is one that has a misleading synopsis - when I requested this ARC, I really thought it would be this time travel love story. It turned out to actually mostly be a story about friendship and relationships - I was completely surprised but in a good way.
Since I didn’t get round to reviewing books in 2018, I thought I’d throw in some books I loved from last year as well.
Except you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard of My Sister the Serial Killer and it absolutely lives up to the hype. Don’t expect complex writing, all the joy is in the easy to read prose. Buy here.
An American Marriage is so popular that the author’s previous book is having a wave of popularity. This book is so well written, it’s unbelievable. The plot is deep and layered, but I think the strength of the book is really in the writing. Buy here.
Turtles All the Way Down is the first book I read about anxiety after I realised I had anxiety and it perfectly captured so many of the complex mental battles of anxiety. I was really happy to just feel seen. Buy here.
I don’t know what I expected from Gabrielle Union’s memoir but I didn’t expect to just want more! I was gutted when it finished, I wanted to rewind and read it again, but this time, read something that was magically twice the length. She surprised me. Buy here.
So I’ve been married now for a little under a year! I’ve heard the first year is the hardest and i’ve also heard that it’s the honeymoon phase. I’m going to pitch my tent somewhere in between the two. I don’t think it’s the honeymoon, but I don’t think it’s particularly hard either.
So I thought I’d talk about some popular ideas people have going in. I’ll be honest, I can’t remember if these were the specific ideas I had (this is why I should go back to journaling). Anyway, here goes.
I think one of the biggest expectations is that somehow the wedding ceremony just leads to this dramatic change in personality in both couples. If anything, it leads to a more dramatic change in other people. For our wedding, we booked this huge hotel suite and after the reception, we went back to the hotel with some of our drunk friends looking for another drunk friend (a long and random story). We all collapsed in the living room and me and my new husband eventually went to bed. When we woke up, I expected to be greeted by friends in various stages of their hangover looking for breakfast and ibuprofen. Instead, I came out and everyone was gone. That was a huge shock to me, like what? Where did you guys go? Apparently, they felt like the right thing to do was give us space because we just got married. That trend continued for a while and I personally think that’s the worst idea ever. When you get married, you’re signing up to be with someone forever- who wants to be alone with someone else forever, come on.
It’s hard to remember what I thought before I got married but I know I definitely had vague notions of some level of maturity happening. Maybe we would have an eating schedule and have structured date nights and somehow just know more adult things. None of that happened. We are exactly who we were before we got married. I didn’t start cooking more, we didn’t get more organised, we haven’t had “date night” in like forever and to be honest, date night is not a concept we practised when we were dating, so unclear to me why I imagined it would automatically come with marriage. We are the same as we were before we got married.
I thought this for sure because before we got married, I always associated our big fights with spending too much time together and I was quick to go back to my house when we had a fight. Turns out, spending even more time together led to less fights. I do think our fights can get way more intense and that’s probably because I’m not immediately going “home”. Before we got married, our longest fight was like 24 hours long. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably bumped that up to 3 or 4 days.
This hasn’t happened yet. On our honeymoon, we were together 24 hours a day for 3 weeks and it was honestly fun. It helps that we spend a lot of time just existing in the same space rather than constantly talking or doing the same things.
There have been times where I’m like “shey I can always leave”. It’s comforting in fights, knowing you have the freedom to stay or go and staying is a choice.
I would say this year has been very different to what I expected, but marriage has been more good than bad (if bad at all). It has been amazing to have an inbuilt support system and I like seeing my husband everyday. I hate that now because he sleeps so late, I sleep later than I used to. My tolerance for pepper is also way higher because he uses too much of it when he cooks anything. I asked my husband what has changed for him and he couldn’t think rolls eyes.
That’s the theme of the movie and what we see from the first scene. Even though a man is murdering his daughter on her count of ten, the motivation cuts through the scene, “I love you my love, but not as much as I love money”. Scene two and we are clubbing in Cubana. Nnamdi is with his friend pre-celebrating a new contract. He bumps into an old attractive acquaintance on her way into V.I.P. and stands outside the velvet ropes looking at all the money being spent. “I must make this money”, he says out loud to himself. That’s the Nigerian anthem, this money must be made. We all see ourselves in V.I.P and benzes - if not today, then next year or the year after that.
Nnamdi is the exact picture of how most Nigerians see themselves. Smart, humble, hard working, likeable, loyal and willing to take risks. He needed to be all these things so that his desire for money stayed within ambition and never strayed into greed. Interesting that when Ramsey Nouah, leader of the 6 finally asked him what he was willing to do for money, he had already signed deals, was already in a different level in life, was already flying private, but that doggedness, that desire for more and more money, pushed him to say yes.
Here’s the thing- everyone in Lagos wants to make money, but no-one really wants you to be out there with that desire. Nnamdi gets a job in an advertising agency five years after graduating (the job hunt is a humbling experience), and then takes the opportunity to steal a client from his agency less than one year into his job. It doesn’t work out, so his ex colleagues, friends and family see it as an opportunity to tell him he’s doing too much. If his risk had paid off, it would have been a very different story.
I hate to wonder if the fact that Nnamdi was adopted had anything to do with his casting as the “problem child.” It didn’t seem like it from the movie, but I’m projecting the Nigerian factor on that family dynamic.
You know what’s doing too much? Signing a contract with your blood, waking up with a branded tattoo like an occultic slave and still having the good mind to carry on living your life. Still have time to meet a babe and have witty banter and send doughnuts to the office and even have darkened room sex. Still have time to sit down and say “ask me anything”, that’s entirely too much.
Aka don’t ask too many questions. It doesn’t matter that Nnamdi was asking about his actual father, you would think he was asking some philosophical religious question. That’s the problem- no one wants to have conversations with you, until you go and make a mistake you could have been prevented from making and then suddenly, everyone is full of stories.
It’s interesting that Kelly and Tobi took the information that Nnamdi was in a devilish cult quite calmly. If someone I loved was being controlled by demons that asked them to kill me, it’s like I love(d) you but bye. At least, I love you but let me think about what this means for a minute, or you know, months or years. I am not going to be by your bedside when you wake up in the hospital, to be quite honest. I might text you from a burner phone or something. I don’t get, so Andy and Nnamdi are going to start sharing stories about cult days? (oh hey, isn’t that heavy black thing itchy? in my day, it was actually made from lighter fabric) Also, what happens to the money? Does it disappear? Or do you get to keep what you’ve already made, because if you’d made like a bajillion Naira, you would be fine you know? Not a bad deal for selling your soul. Sell soul, make a little money, exit cult, stay rich. Definitely a better deal than being hunted and killing two wives and a little girl.
When Nnamdi said he faked wine and food knowledge to fit in after being in Lagos for less than a year, I’m like chill. This same Lagos? But then I thought about it again, Lagos is actually full of people “faking it”. If you were to believe the image, it would seem like Lagos is full of possibilities, that’s why so many of us “moved back”. When we see documentaries like the BBC Welcome to Lagos, we are riled up because “this is not my Lagos”,m but even the best parts of Lagos are faking it. Banana island if faking it, Bourdillon is faking it and the Ferrari was faking it in the movie.
The first slaughter we see is, a little girl. The sacrifice in the ritual— a woman. All the sacrifices we were told about? women. The closest we came to equality of sacrifice was Nnamdi briefly considering slaughtering his brother. What struck me about this chain of events was that the sacrifice was apparently supposed to be of “the person you love the most”, please please and please- this was obviously not the case in these sacrifices. These men loved each other more.
Rituals aside, I liked how this showed how men push men ahead in life. A man can like another man’s tie and give him a contract based on that. Women are as usual, props- supporting characters. In a business meeting, Ramsey gets up and asks his “skimpy” dressed “associate” to “entertain” his guests (listen, I know it’s a lot of quotation marks, but you get my gist.)
This confident stunning girl reverts to the role of supporting character in her man’s life. The way she speaks to him is exactly how “good” women are taught to speak to men - “I don’t want to push it, but I don’t know enough about you”. When he’s a little violent, she understands that he’s not being himself. When she finds out that he’s part of a powerful cult responsible for the murder of a bunch of people, she’s right by his side, ushering people away from his precious body.
And does it matter? because I’m Nigerian so obvs I still want to make money and that. I’d much prefer it if the money didn’t come from someone slaughtering their daughter in the middle of the night when she thinks they are going on an adventure to see a waterfall.
If you guys know about that life, comment anonymously and explain how I can get rich but also avoid the money from the cults and stuff.
Also, if you’ve watched, comment and let me know your thoughts (wait, is it obvious that i’m fishing for comments? somebody save me).
The growing realisation that you have to take a shit dawns on you. “Nah, I can definitely wait till I’m home”, you think, but then you realise it’s only 11.30, you’re one hour from home and it’s a busy day at work.
You try to explain to your stomach and God that holding out for home should be the only option; “If I don’t drink water for the rest of the day, surely that’s fine, what if I was stuck on a road trip? Mind over matter, i’m an adult, I can do this.”
It’s 11.30 on a work day, you’re an hour away from home, this shit is happening.
After checking to make sure the coast is clear and preparing your alibi, you proceed to take the shit, praying nothing crazy happens, like a blocked toilet or back splash. Fate is on your side and all goes well.
Someone came in briefly while you were in the toilet but you didn’t come out till they were gone. You hope they didn’t sense that it was you. You feel weirdly self conscious for a bit but then you give yourself a massive pep talk, “EVERYBODY SHITS, GET OVER IT!”
In this new world when you can be anything and do anything, it feels infinitely harder to do the things I love. Not really harder when I do them for me, but extremely harder when I do them for other people, like writing or like drawing. I’ve always written and I’ve always drawn and it always seemed easier to do when it wasn’t a “real” thing, just something I liked.
But we live in a world now where ANYTHING is possible and suddenly being a writer or an artist is a completely different feeling. I remember when I had a blog I wrote on all the time, I could whine about the same thing or person on endless consecutive posts and never feel like anything but myself. But even now, I’m writing this and I’m thinking must Dami always do an existential crisis? Can’t you just like do something fun for a change? But like this is me and I guess I have more existential crises than most and it’s either I live my life through that or I constantly have to wait for those brief moments when I’m a different person to live my life and that doesn’t seem like any way to live.
If no one else knows what they are doing? How have they managed to look good and make money whilst ambling along? I’m not buying it. It’s like how everyone has “imposter syndrome” but somehow everything is fine? How about Imposter’s Imposter’s syndrome, where you’re scared that you are really an imposter, and you ARE?!
We arrived in Paris in the evening. After struggling to connect with our uber driver, we finally him. He spoke no English. I have no idea why we didn’t try to get a train or something, but we were probably really tired. That uber ended up being uber expensive!
As we drove through Paris, I was like hmm, I wasn’t feeling the vibe at all. When the driver stopped on the street of our hotel, I looked around the block like what the hell?
We booked our Paris trip after 9 hours on our laptops booking trips to other cities, so we weren’t in the mood to do any extensive research about where to stay. We picked a place that was walking distance from the Louvre and the Eurostar train station. So anyway, we arrived on the street of our hotel, which ended up being a really commercial block, but closed, seeing as it was Sunday evening. Our hotel had this really narrow alley way type entrance, we walked up and down and then had to call the hotel to figure out how to find the entrance.
We checked in (tourism tax is a thing you should always have, they almost always charge it at the hotel). The room was small but as nice as it looked online, which was a relief. It wasn’t that late but we were tired so we ordered uber eats and went to bed. The next morning, we made the biggest mistake of the trip- eating hotel breakfast. Now the breakfast was only 7 euros per head but it was the most pointless scam of a breakfast ever. The coffee machine coffee was so bad that I had instant coffee instead. Do you know how bad coffee has to be for instant to be a good alternative???
We booked Louvre tickets online and walked there. It ended up being a pretty nice walk. It was nice to get to the louvre and walk past the large crowd queing for tickets. (Tip- always book online). The Louvre was amazing. After seeing the exhibits we wanted (its too large to see absolutely everything), we bought some stuff from the museum gift shop and bought some lunch. The mona lisa is soooo tiny and so guarded and so crowded that you’re probably better off looking at it online.
After that we went into the Louvre gardens where we spent a couple of more hours. We spent the whole day at the Louvre and it was magical. We left and it started raining so we took an overpriced keke to the Eiffel tower. which was blocked off, for some reason. We decided to postpone our cheesy tourist photos to the next day and went to have some coffee instead. The metro back to the hotel was super efficient, cheap and easy to figure out. Walking to the hotel from the station (via sephora which was also super close to our hotel) what did we find almost directly opposite our hotel? A Lidl! That “breakfast” we had at the hotel would have been like 1 euro each. To make up for our breakfast purchase, we bought drinks and fruit to have at the hotel.
With our Lidl and sephora haul, we did what made sense- had mini facials in the hotel room!
Writing this post has made me realise that we didn’t do a single Parisian night out. We didn’t even have champagne! We have to do better next time.
The next day, we grabbed water from Lidl on our way out and took the metro to the Eiffel tower. It was a super cloudy day, so our pictures were dead. After stumbling on a scooter a couple of times, we went to Arc de Triomphe, which is a block. Nothing to see there (no offence to the rich history of the block).
The good thing is we were on Champs- Élysées Which is the fanciest shopping strip. After doing a bit of coffee and desserts, a bit of shopping and a bit of lunch, we finally headed back to our hotel.
In the middle of the night, I woke up with surprise cramps! I had no painkillers. Including this because if you don’t want to carry painkillers cross border (which is dramatic and dumb, like I was), you should buy some painkillers when you arrive, so when you need it in the middle of the night, you have it!
After 4 hours of excruciating pain, we walked to find the closest open pharmacy. Just looking at painkillers on the shelves was enough to make me feel better. That and buying like 3 croissants! Also, I have to say, I didn’t find the croissants in Paris to be that much better than other places, which was disappointing!
At the station, you go through French immigration to leave and then British immigration straight after, so when youre on the train, youre already technically in England. I wish airport immigration could be like that as well. It is so much more efficient. With a nice settling into our Eurostar seats, we were off to London!
Movies and books love to sell a particular kind of sex scene. The kind where you can barely wait till you get in the door, your back is pressed against the wall, your legs are hoisted around someone’s back and clothes come off wherever. Sometime in the middle of the night (or if you sleep through the alarm, in the morning), or maybe a wife, girlfriend or mum comes back home unexpectedly, clothes are located and the bra is not. Too many people in the make believe sex world have run out of a strange house without their bra. This is just not possible in the real world of big breasts because
Every time like a H & M or whatever decides randomly to start an underwear line, know that they are not even almost thinking about big breasts. That line is going to be made up of 100s of options for small breasts that already have millions of options. The brands that do make durag sized bras charge a pretty penny for it, so no-one is walking out of any strange house without that expensive bra.
Like…duh. Maybe when you’re wearing like a sliver of lace, it can just like disappear under the bed or something, but listen, an F cup bra isn’t just going to disappear. It’s like a spaceship with light beams, you can spot that thing from any corner of the room. You’re more likely to lose your black iphone than your giant bra.
Like hello! Where are you rushing out of the house to without your bra?? Swinging gigantic tits all over the place, what kind of outfit are you wearing because it would have to be pretty damn incredible to not have to wear a bra. If you were wearing that kind of unicorn, you wouldn’t have worn a bra to start with, so guess you’re just going to have to meet his mum or whoever because that house isn’t getting exited without a bra.
Can you guys think of any other impossible scenario for big breasts?
maybe silver linings are made of foil
You know in Nigerian movies where characters are experiencing a ridiculous stream of bad luck and it’s because some enemy has tied their destiny somehow, sometimes I feel like that. For someone who many people have thought of as supernaturally lucky, I’m having the worst worst worst worst luck ever.
I’m a naturally optimistic person so honestly, I try to always default to looking at positive outcomes, no matter how terrible a situation is at any point in time. And honestly, even as I’m writing this, my mind is THROWING all sorts of positivity at me. “How about when this happened?” “You know that was probably because you didn’t work hard enough”, but i’m telling my mind to SHUT UP because a Bitch is tired.
The past year and a half has been the most transformational period of my life, and there was a time in my life when I was working three jobs to pay rent, soo I KNOW transformation and this has been the hardest. I have lost SO MANY relationships, partly because they are relationships I should have actually left a long time ago and partly because I’ve changed a lot, but damn, when it rains, it really pours.
Changing careers is HARD. I think I forgot, and now the reality is BITING me. I’m constantly inspired by my partner, but yo, that man is winning at life on a consistent basis and I’m like CAN I GET A WIN TOO?!
UNIVERSE PLEASE!
It’s getting frustrating to write this post because my brain keeps “reminding” me of good things. Yes, fine, of course, some good things have happened to me and I have a lot to be grateful for. However, a lot of negative stuff as well. A lot of “almost but not quite good enough”. A lot of rejection. A lot of LOSS.
I wonder if in the reality of these films, this is how it felt. Because things can be at their lowest and certain things can still be true. You can try to get employed for years but still never run out of food to eat- You can lose everyone that matters, but still have someone to talk to. In the bottomest of bottom situations, if you look hard enough you can still see some kind of light (some people call it a silver lining).
I’m tired of the cloud, lining or nah. I need something to happen. I need a win.
