You know in Nigerian movies where characters are experiencing a ridiculous stream of bad luck and it’s because some enemy has tied their destiny somehow, sometimes I feel like that. For someone who many people have thought of as supernaturally lucky, I’m having the worst worst worst worst luck ever.
I’m a naturally optimistic person so honestly, I try to always default to looking at positive outcomes, no matter how terrible a situation is at any point in time. And honestly, even as I’m writing this, my mind is THROWING all sorts of positivity at me. “How about when this happened?” “You know that was probably because you didn’t work hard enough”, but i’m telling my mind to SHUT UP because a Bitch is tired.
The past year and a half has been the most transformational period of my life, and there was a time in my life when I was working three jobs to pay rent, soo I KNOW transformation and this has been the hardest. I have lost SO MANY relationships, partly because they are relationships I should have actually left a long time ago and partly because I’ve changed a lot, but damn, when it rains, it really pours.
Changing careers is HARD. I think I forgot, and now the reality is BITING me. I’m constantly inspired by my partner, but yo, that man is winning at life on a consistent basis and I’m like CAN I GET A WIN TOO?!
It’s getting frustrating to write this post because my brain keeps “reminding” me of good things. Yes, fine, of course, some good things have happened to me and I have a lot to be grateful for. However, a lot of negative stuff as well. A lot of “almost but not quite good enough”. A lot of rejection. A lot of LOSS.
I wonder if in the reality of these films, this is how it felt. Because things can be at their lowest and certain things can still be true. You can try to get employed for years but still never run out of food to eat- You can lose everyone that matters, but still have someone to talk to. In the bottomest of bottom situations, if you look hard enough you can still see some kind of light (some people call it a silver lining).
I’m tired of the cloud, lining or nah. I need something to happen. I need a win.