Three Things Girls with Big Breasts Will Never Relate to in Movie Sex Scenes

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Movies and books love to sell a particular kind of sex scene. The kind where you can barely wait till you get in the door, your back is pressed against the wall, your legs are hoisted around someone’s back and clothes come off wherever. Sometime in the middle of the night (or if you sleep through the alarm, in the morning), or maybe a wife, girlfriend or mum comes back home unexpectedly, clothes are located and the bra is not. Too many people in the make believe sex world have run out of a strange house without their bra. This is just not possible in the real world of big breasts because

Big Bras are Expensive

Every time like a H & M or whatever decides randomly to start an underwear line, know that they are not even almost thinking about big breasts. That line is going to be made up of 100s of options for small breasts that already have millions of options. The brands that do make durag sized bras charge a pretty penny for it, so no-one is walking out of any strange house without that expensive bra.

Big Bras are Big

Like…duh. Maybe when you’re wearing like a sliver of lace, it can just like disappear under the bed or something, but listen, an F cup bra isn’t just going to disappear. It’s like a spaceship with light beams, you can spot that thing from any corner of the room. You’re more likely to lose your black iphone than your giant bra.

Big Breasts Don’t Just Roll Around Braless

Like hello! Where are you rushing out of the house to without your bra?? Swinging gigantic tits all over the place, what kind of outfit are you wearing because it would have to be pretty damn incredible to not have to wear a bra. If you were wearing that kind of unicorn, you wouldn’t have worn a bra to start with, so guess you’re just going to have to meet his mum or whoever because that house isn’t getting exited without a bra.

Can you guys think of any other impossible scenario for big breasts?


On bad luck and low points

maybe silver linings are made of foil

maybe silver linings are made of foil

You know in Nigerian movies where characters are experiencing a ridiculous stream of bad luck and it’s because some enemy has tied their destiny somehow, sometimes I feel like that. For someone who many people have thought of as supernaturally lucky, I’m having the worst worst worst worst luck ever.

I’m a naturally optimistic person so honestly, I try to always default to looking at positive outcomes, no matter how terrible a situation is at any point in time. And honestly, even as I’m writing this, my mind is THROWING all sorts of positivity at me. “How about when this happened?” “You know that was probably because you didn’t work hard enough”, but i’m telling my mind to SHUT UP because a Bitch is tired.

The past year and a half has been the most transformational period of my life, and there was a time in my life when I was working three jobs to pay rent, soo I KNOW transformation and this has been the hardest. I have lost SO MANY relationships, partly because they are relationships I should have actually left a long time ago and partly because I’ve changed a lot, but damn, when it rains, it really pours.

Changing careers is HARD. I think I forgot, and now the reality is BITING me. I’m constantly inspired by my partner, but yo, that man is winning at life on a consistent basis and I’m like CAN I GET A WIN TOO?!

UNIVERSE PLEASE!

It’s getting frustrating to write this post because my brain keeps “reminding” me of good things. Yes, fine, of course, some good things have happened to me and I have a lot to be grateful for. However, a lot of negative stuff as well. A lot of “almost but not quite good enough”. A lot of rejection. A lot of LOSS.

I wonder if in the reality of these films, this is how it felt. Because things can be at their lowest and certain things can still be true. You can try to get employed for years but still never run out of food to eat- You can lose everyone that matters, but still have someone to talk to. In the bottomest of bottom situations, if you look hard enough you can still see some kind of light (some people call it a silver lining).

I’m tired of the cloud, lining or nah. I need something to happen. I need a win.

Comedy TV shows with a God theme

Do you remember when undercover cop stories were all the rage? What am I saying, there is like one new cop show every frigging week. Recently, I noticed that God stories were all the rage. It started with The Good Place, about four people that die and make it into heaven, except that heaven is not anything like they thought it would be and some of them were pretty horrible on earth. It has evolved as a show from season to season and will end after the next season (Season 4). Last year, another show started God Friended Me about an atheist who gets friended by God on facebook and sent friend requests of people he is supposed to help- honestly made me think why a person called “millennial prophet” would pay that much attention to facebook instead of say instagram? But then again, thia is a show about God sending people to do his work through facebook sooo

Most recently, Miracle Workers debuted its pilot about Heaven Inc going bust because God is having a mid-life crisis triggered by people not liking him enough anymore. He enters into a bet with an employee that if she can answer the prayer of two (geeks obviously) to fall in love in two weeks, Heaven Inc can stay in operation. It has been renewed for Season 2.

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Are these shows great? Not really. Do I watch all of them? Obviously. You kind of just have to take them for what they are and enjoy it.





A Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting

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Intermittent fasting has been around for ages. I first heard of it in 2013 when a girl in my office started shedding pounds like crazy and said it was a mixture of the 5:2 diet and a Jillian Michaels workout plan. For a long time, the 5:2 diet was popular. Here’s how it works. You eat “normally” for five days of the week and on two days, you eat 500 calories. I tried it and got depressed by trying to eat 500 calories. I quit after day 1.

Intermittent fasting is alternating periods of fasting with periods of eating (something we almost all do). As a diet plan, fasting is regarded as a period of 12 hours and more. Intermittent fasting works for weight loss in two main ways; helping you eat less overall by restricting your eating to specific times and giving your body room to perform its digestive functions properly.

To get started, study your current habits and pick an eating window that works with your lifestyle. When I’ve suggested to people that they should start with twelve hours, the overwhelming response is “I already do that”. Chances are, you probably don’t. And if you do, might as well record it for a week and then work from there. I’ve written before about setting yourself up to succeed rather than fail. People always think their habits are already great, but that their life or body conspires against them. Trust me, I’ve often felt that but tracking stuff shows you the true picture. For example, if I didn’t start tracking my reading, I would have sworn I was reading 100 books a year- turns out, without deliberate effort to that, I wasn’t.

Say you wake up at 5 everyday and have a long commute and get to the office at 7. It might make sense to make your eating window 7am- 7pm so you don’t get to work and start feeling depressed because you can’t eat. If you wake up later and tend to have drinks and dinners, or go to bed really late, maybe your eating window becomes 10am-10pm. Until you track your habits, you’d be surprised that while you don’t eat a full meal till 12, you’ve tasted forks of your colleagues breakfast or had a mindless snack or had Nigerian tea aka tea with a 5:1 ratio of milk and sugar to tea.

If you’re a woman that’s fasting, you have to be a little more aware of how your body responds to fasting and longer fasting periods may de-regulate your hormones. The recommended longest fasting window for women is 14:10 but it depends on your own personal experience. So as you gradually increase your fasting windows, keep track of how you’re feeling.

People argue that your fasting window has to be the same everyday. I disagree. While it’s good to have a routine (your body craves and thrives on routine), I think it’s important to build flexibility into any long term plan. If you’re in bed by 10 on weekdays but you’re out all night on weekends, you might change to a 12:12 window. I use the app zero to track fasting windows whenever I fast.

Intermittent fasting, like anything else may or may not be suited to you, no matter what all the biohacking posts on medium say. If you’ve tried it, how did you find it?




How to plan a holiday to 6 countries in 3 weeks with your Nigerian passport

Dubai at sunset

Dubai at sunset

In May, I went on a multi country holiday. I went with my husband, because it was our honeymoon. Lol. We went to 6 countries and 7 cities in 3 weeks (Dubai, London, Rome, Amsterdam, Hamburg, Paris and Birmingham.) We got asked two questions again and again when we were on the trip:

  1. how much was it?

  2. what agent did you use?

There’s no point telling you how much the trip was because I feel like holiday budgets depend on so many factors that can affect the price in a million ways; where you go, when you go, the airlines or train companies you use, what class you fly, the hotels you stay in and the activities you choose to do on holiday. This post addresses the second question because we planned and booked the entire trip ourselves.

Because my husband and I had both been to Dubai before, we both knew exactly where we wanted to stay. He hadn’t done all the touristy stuff, so we decided to book tours and etc through Emirates holidays. Emirates Holidays ended up booking our tours and airport transfers and we paid for our hotel through them (they had a discount). If you are concerned about the quality of your tours and transfers, It is best to book yourself.

We booked everything else ourselves.  We sat in a room on our laptops for 9 hours and booked flights, hotels, trains, tours and other transport. 7 flights, three trains, 5 hotels and 1 air bnb. We also applied for our visas ourselves.

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Visas

I will go into a more detailed visa post when I review each country, but you should always check for up to date information on the official visa page of the country you’re travelling to. Visa regulations and requirements change so quickly, you may be bound by completely different rules when you’re applying for the same visa as someone else, 1 month apart.

Hotels

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The biggest consideration for hotels is what kind of trip you want to have. Do you plan to go out during the day, or more at night or both? What attractions do you absolutely HAVE To see. When you have that information, you have a starting point. If you want to go out mostly at night, obviously you want to be in a super bustling area that's safe to be around at night. If you're mostly going out during the day, then your tour attractions would be more important.

In Dubai, we wanted to stay on the JBR walk because we wanted to wake up and walk two minutes to the beach. Tour companies pick you up from your hotel, so it wasn't important to consider tours in hotel choice, plus the desert tour is far from everything anyway. It was Ramadan so we wanted to be somewhere that would come alive after lftar, as the city is very subdued in the daytime during Ramadan. 5 star hotels are also cheaper in Dubai than Europe, so it was worth staying in one just because.

We went to London twice. On the first trip, it was one night only and I needed to see my cousin, so we booked a hotel 1 mile or two tube stops away from her house.

In Rome, we booked a hotel that was walking distance to three of the main tourist attractions. I'm talking 6 minute walk to the trevi fountain. The hotel was meh but the location was excellent and there was a great restaurant downstairs. There is food everywhere in Rome so that wasn't a booking consideration.

In Amsterdam, we couldn't decide so we booked two different hotels (I wouldn't recommend this for a short trip, it was more annoying than we anticipated) We stayed like a few 100 metres from Anne Frank Huis the first time and stayed practically in the red light district the second night. The second hotel was also super close to the train station we were leaving from.

Paris was really confusing for us in terms of area and we just went for something close to Gare du Nord where we were leaving from. In the end, it was alright. We ended up taking the metro a few times and we were able to walk 20 minutes to the Louvre.

Our second trip in London, we wanted to be central but in a quiet area, so we chose Marylebone. Because it was the longest part of our trip we went for an Airbnb rather than a hotel.

Some more tips for accommodation:

  1. If you try to weigh the value of accommodation by thinking 'I can buy this with that money', you're going to end up staying in shit places, because good accommodation is hardly ever cheap.

  2. Many countries will 90% of the time, have a tourism tax which they never include in the cost of the hotel (or even highlight when you’re booking). It's never expensive but an unexpected cost is an unexpected expense.

  3. Always pack toothpaste, a toothbrush and lotion. Every hotel will give you soap and towels but even 5 star hotels won’t always give you toothpaste unless you request it. Don't take the risk. Hotel lotion is NEVER moisturising enough, so avoid ashy skin and pack your own.

  4. Don't be obsessed with picking a perfect place. You're bound to make some mistakes

  5. Do research, even if it's googling 'best areas for tourists Paris 2019'

  6. Use booking.com

  7. if you stay in an Airbnb, take a video of the place as soon as your arrive and everyday you’re there, to serve as evidence, if the host tries to blame you for breaking something.

  8. Always always always pack a mini first aid kit with things like paracetamol (paracetamol is a safe painkiller to travel with) and Andrews liver salts because trust me, it’s not fun to walk around with luggage and cramps trying to find an open pharmacy at 7am or to not have anything to stop you from throwing up a million times if you get food poisoning (or are hungover)

Travel.

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  1. The best way to figure out how to plan your trip is studying a map. If you have no map skills, you have to do a lot of googling and base it on price and ease of access between cities. We did not plan the trip in the most geographically sensible way, we had our own special (and random) set of considerations. Once you decide all the places you want to go, picking how you go from city to city isn’t really that difficult. We did a mixture of trains and planes because trains were our preferred travel choice but it wasn’t always practical (too long or too expensive)

  2. Short haul low cost airlines like easyjet are not always as bad as you've heard. Pay for extra legroom if you can-sometimes it gives you priority boarding and sometimes, a little extra luggage allowance. Always check in online when you use them (for most of them, you can check in up to a month in advance) and get to the airport early because security queues can be very crazy. We had to pay for priority access in one airport because the queue was insane.

  3. Confirm from the the transport service provider what your ticket includes. We booked 1st class tickets on a six hour train from Amsterdam to Germany, assuming it would include food and wifi. The tickets did not include food and the train did not have wifi. They didn’t accept debit cards as payment for their food cart. Luckily, I always carry a bottle of water and a snack when I’m travelling and i’m Nigerian and therefore used to not having wifi, so it was fine (but shocking).

Experiences.

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  1. Try Airbnb experiences. There are all sorts of things there that you wouldn’t normally know to look for in a new city.

  2. Book a local photographer to follow you around and take your photo at popular tourist spots. This is really useful if you’re a solo traveller or a couple that wants photos that aren’t awkward selfies. There are a lot of photographers on Airbnb experiences and honestly, it’s not even that expensive. They can also serve as tour guides.

  3. Research and make a list of things you would like to see and honestly it’s okay if some of the most popular things don’t even appeal to you.

  4. Be flexible- the weather might be different to what you expected and invalidate 3/4 of your wardrobe, you might get food poisoning, the hotel might be shit when you get there. You need to be flexible or you won’t be able to find the joy when things go wrong.

  5. Allow yourself downtime and just time to wander around- honestly, travelling is exhausting and it can often feel like you need to maximise your trip money by not doing something every minute of everyday. I like to think the hotel money is a waste if I don’t get in a few naps.

  6. Always check before you make assumptions- i’ve repeated this so many times because we did this a lot. Sometimes, you can just call the hotel and ask for a hotel pick up- which is probably cheaper and safer than a lot of options especially when you don’t know the place. Ask, ask and ask again.

  7. If there's a grocery store near you, use it first before anything else, so you can prioritise your food money on food experiences (like nice restaurants). In Paris, we ate the hotel breakfast the first day (not worth it) and then realised there was a grocery store close by where we could have bought breakfast at for a tiny fraction of the breakfast price.

  8. Download a translation app that you can use offline especially in places like Paris where locals will pretend to not understand you. Also download offline maps and save local emergency numbers.

This post can go on forever, I’ve tried to keep it short. I will be putting up travel guides or tips for each country throughout the month. Comment or message me with any questions (apart from how much the trip cost) and I’d be happy to answer!









How to prep for a day on the couch

illustration. by @whatdamidid

There are some days that are for productivity and some days that are for the couch. I’m going to give you my best tips to make your next couch day the best one yet!

  1. Pick a good couch- if you have only one couch, then I guess it’s a no brainer, but if you have more than one, pick one that gives you optimal lying and sitting space and that is positioned in front of the tv.

  2. Clear said couch- you want to start with a completely clear couch so you have enough space for everything.

  3. Prep your snacks- pick things that keep your hands relatively clean, couch days aren’t really for barbecue chicken wings.

  4. Prep your drinks bottles- you need a bottle of water- and then a flat drink (yes wine counts, preferably red), something that won’t taste weird after sitting out of the fridge for some time. If you want something fizzy, bring it out last and drink it first.

  5. Create space for your gadgets near a charging source- if there’s no space on the couch, use a small side table or the floor. You need your devices and chargers within arms (or legs) reach.

  6. Plan your couch entertainment- couch days are perfect for bingeing tv shows, reading light books or scrolling mindlessly on social media. If you’re me, do it all.

  7. Make sure everything has a space that isn’t on top of you- you need a clear and quick path to get to the bathroom when you inevitably need to go.

  8. Err on the side of a cold room and keep a blanket close for when you get too cold and start to fall asleep.

  9. Wake up with the credits of a bad movie playing and popcorn crumbs on your laptop and figure out how to get yourself to bed.

Is circa privé your new favorite lekki restaurant?

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I’m really excited everytime something new opens in Lekki. Before I moved to Lekki, I hated going there, but now that I live there, I hate leaving! Everything good lives in V.I and sometimes the thought of going to V.I makes me sit my ass home and not do anything. So imagine my excitement when a huge ass building housing a new restaurant/bar/ a lot happening opened right on Admiralty Way. I was even more excited when they emailed me to attend an “exclusive” chefs dinner to try the menu, because I balk at spending money at new Lagos places.

With an empty stomach and green lipstick, I went to try the new menu.

There were 10 of us invited, one person didn’t show up. I was the first one there (as always, I keep hoping that if I keep showing up to things on time, something will eventually start on time). Another blogger showed up like half an hour later, it took like two hours for other people to show up, it was actually really really really annoying.

DRINKS

There was no drinks menu when we went, so we just ordered blind, I ordered based on how pretty the drinks looked. All the drinks were really good.

STARTERS

Mozzarella sticks- I loved the size, sometimes mozzarella sticks are big and overwhelming, this was a good size, tasted pretty good.

Calamari- tough and bland

Spring rolls- I’m still not sure what was inside but tasted really good, nice and crispy on the outside

Chicken wings- had a lot of potential, but not fully cooked, so wasn’t willing to risk it

Prawns- huge and tasty

SALADS

Seafood/fruit? salad- a likely confused by what kind of salad this was. It was very fresh. The octopus was tough and bland, I don’t know too much about how to cook octopus but this felt like it hopped from the sea into my plate via the shower.

Crab salad- fresh

Chicken salad- I wish it was made with something other than iceberg lettuce, considering all their salads are super expensive. Paired with spinach, rocket or an interesting mix, this would have been perfect. Unfortunately, the iceberg let this salad down.

MAINS

If there is one thing that’s sure, I always order salmon or duck as my main wherever available, so I went straight for the salmon main. It was absolutely delicious, so good, that I had a few forks and asked them to pack it up to give myself the chance to fully enjoy it when I wasn’t so full. I took photos of the other mains, but I didn’t try anything else and I didn’t ask anyone how their food tasted, but everyone seemed to enjoy their food.

DESSERT

By this time, we were really really really really full. The chef sent us shots and then the fondant came out. The shots were great, the fondant was dry, I wouldn’t even really call it a fondant, more like a dry cake. The dessert was maybe, the lowest point of the meal.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I would recommend this place off the strength of presentation alone. All the food was plated beautifully and the drinks looked great. The food was also really good, all the ingredients were obviously carefully chosen and fresh.

I looked at the menu a little bit and the food looked pretty pricey, so it’s more date night than '“lets grab a meal”.

The service wasn’t great. Considering this was a private event that Circa Privé personally invited us to, I was surprised. The service was great at upper levels (chef, management, PR), but not so good at the level that was important (waitstaff). However, they’ve hopefully sorted out all service issues by now.

Parking was valet parking which was expensive. Considering, we parked ourselves, it seems like “valet” was stretched A LOT.

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why does the stew always finish

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Growing up in a Nigerian home in Nigeria, stew was just a fact of life. You couldn’t trust that your parents would be there after they told you to “go and put on your shoes” but you could trust stew. Rice and stew, yam and stew , eba and stew (with a little ewedu flung in there).

As soon as I moved into my dead student accommodation, I switched to microwave meals, then cereal , then fast food and then finally, I started to cook. Pasta, lots and lots of pasta, then potatoes and when I was feeling very Nigerian and experimental, yam. Eventually, I added rice- fried and the occasional jollof, I even ventured into egusi. I made duck, roasted whole and pan fried. I made complicated Japanese meals that took days just to find all the speciality ingredients- I baked, I boiled, I sometimes fried, but I never made stew.

Marriage, changed that. Marriage didn’t change that because I was suddenly supposed to make stew, it changed that because now I was faced with a Nigerian kitchen and no help, if stew was to be magically in my freezer, I had to make it or convince my husband to make it. In our three year dating life, I gorged myself on bowls of his beautiful stew and declared it my favorite meal on earth. Now that we were married, I was no longer a visitor, it was my house too and therefore, it was time for me to contribute some stew.

I can’t remember my first stew, even though I made it literally months ago- I’ve made so much stew since then. I’ve experimented with all sorts of methods and oils and meats. The one thing though that always baffles me is...how does stew finish so fast?? One time, I decided to try and make enough stew for a week. I started with a chicken stock filled with what felt like a thousand pieces of chicken. I blended the pepper and tomatoes and onion and the whole thing came together in a glorious accomplishment of great stew that filled our largest pot. I was relived, I had achieved my great mission- to make a long lasting stew! Unfortunately, I pursued my mission on a day where my friend was visiting, she had seconds, my husband had thirds, I nursed my own plate, wondering how I ended up back here, with an almost empty pot of stew. It finished the next day.

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Now, I realise something. Some mysteries are not meant to be solved, stew is meant to finish. No matter how much stew you start with, you will still need to make another stew in one or two working days (all days are working days for the making of stew).




I’m back, I think.

Hello hello hello to my one remaining follower. Shout out to you. Shout out to me for continuing to pay my very expensive Squarespace subscription month after month hoping that this is the month where I’m struck with divine inspiration to write something. I guess today is in fact, that day. I have N16,485 in my account and yesterday and after a month of reading money diaries on zikoko, it occurred to me that everybody else in the world is making more money than me so what the hell do I have to lose. I’ve been scared to write something too whiny, too narcissistic, too this too that and yet opening myself up to all sorts of free writing opportunities. It occurred to me that, if I’m writing for free for other people, I might as well write for free for my damn self. So here I am, again. 

After starting again the millionth time, I have to tell you, starting again sucks. I feel foolish. I live in such a constant state of embarrassment,that I don’t even remember how it feels to NOT be embarrassed. Everytime I put myself out afresh, everytime I start a new idea or whatever, everytime I say “hey I’m looking for a job in this AGAIN”, I feel sooo embarrased. There is nothing I’ve wanted more than having one clear vision for my life, one goal that I can latch on to and be like yes, this is THE ONE. But lord, I have so many visions and all of them feel like THE ONE. And it’s so hard to just pick one and forget everything else which is what everyone says you HAVE to do right? 

I think a bigger problem than having too many ideas or life vision or whatever is waiting for permission from other people before you do anything. Someone said if you have interests, you have to do it for yourself first, it’s like that with everything else, if you want a career, you have to believe in it for yourself. Like writing- I paid for this expensive ass blog, I’ve been writing as long as I can remember, but still instead of creating content for myself, I’m bending over backwards to create for other people- for someone else to tell me this is how I’m supposed to be doing things.

I think that’s probably the worst part.

The Lazy Perfectionist Who Doesn't Ever Get To Live Their Dream Life

I'm a dreamer. The funny thing though is my dreams aren't even big fancy dreams- I never dream of owning a private jet and buying a glass tower in central new york or being on the cover of forbes and heading a company that controls billions of dollars or inventing the thing that suddenly means every poor child can drink clean water and never have to get malaria again. Basically, my dreams are what people call 'goals' and the reason for me, goals are dreams is because I'm never really willing to do the work. 

This article is me. I read it and was convinced that my life had changed (lol), but it wasn't until I was telling someone off for making excuses about something they needed to do that I contextualised my behaviour. How does this behaviour play out in real life? It's like this- I want to learn French by my dream is basically having casual conversations in french to imagined people I haven't yet met, but you know what I don't really think about? The parts inbetween. Like okay how do I get from bad secondary school/ 1 20 credit course in uni french to this casual fluency I'm talking about? Well, a regular person might think- oooh i'll do duolingo 10 minutes a day for now and go from there- no but my lazy ass is like hmmm, you either fly to France and do this expensive ass immersion course (that I'm sure not willing to pay for) or, I don't know? You'll magically know french one day. *sigh*

It's like the reason so many diets don't work- you're waiting till you buy out the organic fresh food aisle of the grocery store and you don't have carbs in the house to start- meanwhile if you just gradually added in more veg or gradually took out the worst of your snacks, you will start heading somewhere- and here's the thing- cutting out soda isn't going to make you drop 100lbs- I know that, you know that- but compound interest... small things done consistently lead to bigger things done consistently and at the end of the day, consistency is super key. But for people like me, I fail because I fail to imagine that 10 minutes a day of French will do anything for me. I should be thinking, would it hurt though- would 10 minutes a day take that much from me that I'm not willing to even try??? 

I think dreams and goals should be the things that show you what you need to become consistent at- but then they need to be forgotten. I remember when I first started running- bruh, 12 minutes everyday- a painful 12 minutes. If you had told me I could go from that to running a half marathon, I would have just stopped and called it a day- but when I was running 12 minutes, I genuinely had no big plans- it was just the cheapest way to exercise at the time, but it was easy to be consistent and so it became more and more. And isn't that just the most obvious thing? Of course its easier to be consistent when you're running for 12 minutes vs when you're putting pressure on yourself to do "at least 45 minutes of exercise 3 times a week". 

Anyway, this is honestly just a post directed solely and completely at myself- but I hope anyone who is like me would think about themselves a bit - also , this post is my 10 minutes attack on waiting for perfection- I'm not even going to proofread it, which is making my blood cold because I KNOW my punctuation was all over the place, but hey! 

Noir Lagos Review

Not sure why it took me so long to write this.  I feel like it always takes a long time to do things I want to do, almost like I get one chance and I want to do it EXACTLY right; basically a fancy way to procrastinate...but anywaaaay...

In January, I went to Noir. Restaurants are popping up like moles on whack-a-mole in Lagos and I've given up trying to play the game, I like what I like okay?

It was the last chance to hang with my sister before she went back to school so along  we went.

Supermarkets are kind of my guilty pleasure, so I'm pretty surprised that I'd never been to La Pointe (the grocery store by the owners of Noir).  I still haven't been (the restaurant is upstairs) but I got a peek and thought- hmmm groceries *rub palms together* 

I was fully prepared for a three course meal, something I don't really do anymore and we got salads to start. I have to say, ordering a kale salad as a starter was a first for me, and it was BLOODY delicious. It DID NOT look like much- saying much is actually an understatement, it looked like NOTHING. It came and I was like whaaaat have I doooone? Honestly, the kale was massaged to death because it was sooo soft (and if you prep kale, you know it takes a lot to get there) the dressing was sweet and tangy and the apples were crisp- listen, it was a delicious salad- that's what you need to know.  

The prawns in the prawn salad were so delicious and mangoes are in season, so you couldn't have tasted a better mango. I was ready to end the meal right there. 

prawn and mango salad

I dont want to say too much about the cocktails except there was grenadine in places where there shouldn't have been grenadine- not impressed- the cocktails were actually the downer for me- the bartender needs to have grenadine taken away from him- less grenadine, more muddling mint. 

It was cook your own steak time, the USP of Noir. I went for South African Tenderloin. The meat was great, absolutely amazing, but I would not cook my own steak again. There was smoke, I had to work at the table, I ended up with a perfect steak, but at what cost?

My gorgeous, perfectly cooked steak

All the steak sauces were really good

My sister's meat was overcooked, but she had no-one to blame but herself - cooking steak is hard man. 

I won't lie to you, I was completely completely full at this point, but I had to have dessert! Had to! The desserts were good, but not memorable. So if at the end of your meal, you want dessert, I'd  say go for it, but I wouldn't go there because of dessert. 

I had a really good experience. Next time, I would skip the cocktails and I definitely wouldn't cook my own steak. Actually, I might skip everything and risk it all for that kale salad! 

Vacation Diaries: Accra, Ghana

I've been to Accra a few times before, but never for Accra, do you get? Like one time I went for a wedding and barely stepped out of Labadi beach hotel- another time, I went to stay in this resort in the hills and went into town to shop and have dinner once- This trip promised to be longer and different- a trip to finally SEE Accra.

DSC_0653.JPG

A note on yellow cards

  • You need a yellow fever card to travel to Ghana, South Africa and some other African countries.  I already had one (it lasts for 10 years) from my recent trips to Ghana and South Africa, but a few other people going on the trip did not, and so I was dragged along to the Lagos Port Health Authority.
  • The process is quick- you need two photocopies of your passport data page and you need to go at least 10 days before your flight (it takes that long for the vaccine to kick in).  The injection is super quick and not painful (if your nurse is skilled).
  • In 2013, all countries on the regime introduced new cards- I got my card in 2015 or so and they've already updated the cards again- so you're probably not going to get away with getting a card at the airport from a guy thats going to charge you way more than it costs.  
  • If you don't have the card, you can get the shot in Ghana, but if you go to SA without the card, you'll probably get returned.
  • If you're travelling from another state, look for Port health in the airport. It's called Port Health because it's near the Ports- Duh!

Port Health, Ikeja

A note on flights

  • Return tickets cost approximately =N=100,000. Can be more or less depending on timing, airline, etc- but that's a good average.
  • Flights take an hour or less from lagos and about 1.5 hours from Abuja.  
  • Road travel costs about =N20,000. each way from Lagos and takes about 8 hours. 

Anyway, travel day- yay! Is it just me, or is it weird to follow international travel procedures when you're flying less than an hour away to somewhere you can drive to? There were some angry Medview passengers in the airport yelling about their flight being delayed for over 24 hours with no word on when they were going to leave- awkward because their counter was right next to ours and we had to brave the angry mob to check in.

No-one needs to be this happy in Nigerian duty free

Isn't it funny that the KFC is like the unofficial economy lounge- or nah? We arrived on the tarmac to a tiny plane- I have travel anxiety on the best of the days and I had never been on a plane that small- I overheard another passenger telling his friend to "pretend its a private jet" so that's what I did. 50 Minutes later we landed in Accra.

We bought sim cards and data plans and tried to use the ATM. I'd say sort your sim and data out at the airport- it's quick and the plans in the airport were far better than the usual network rates.

A note on Naira cards 

  • remember that they do not work outside of Nigeria for ATM withdrawals- Yes, EVEN in Ghana. It was super awkward to travel all the way to another country and have no cash. I was there on the phone to my bank, trying to see if there was "anything I could do" .
  • I used my card to pay for stuff a few times on the trip, so POS payments are fine for some banks. Always check these things with your bank before you travel, and for goodness sake- TAKE CASH. 

Our meeting point was a Holiday Inn near the airport. We had burgers and mojitos and got into our magic trip bus that was taking us to Ada Foah (about an hour and a half out of Central Accra) via shoprite because two hours on a bus is too long without supplies!

We arrived in Aqua Safari in Ada Foah at about 6pm. Driving up to the entrance was full of promise. We checked in and got changed for dinner because food is ALWAYS the priority! 

Last time I was in Accra, I tried the banku and tilapia and honestly could not cope with the raw tomato and pepper blend it was served with, so this time I stuck with fufu and okra. A few people ordered the banku and tilapia and the sauce was just as raw but not as offensively raw, just regular raw. 

seafood okra

After dinner, everyone was TAYAD, as we didn't all fly in from 50 minutes away.  A few of us persevered and went for a freezing swim in the tiny pool. I'm shivering thinking about that swim.

In the morning, I woke up at 5.20, had a quick shower and rallied everyone to catch the sunrise. My rally call led to exactly one person coming out at 6.15. We missed the sunrise.  We went by the water, took some pictures and chilled, but at 7, everyone was ready for free breakfast (like I said before, priorities!)

duckies.JPG

After breakfast, we headed out to the Ghana sailing club (also in Ada Foah). I'd never been sailing before and it was really lovely. The instructor was friendly and sailing was surprisingly intuitive (also really hard on the arms). It was really nice to be on clean water- very different to my kayaking experience on the filthy Lagos water. 

Gh sailing club.JPG

We headed back into central Accra and to our apartment in Cantonments. After pizza and recovery (and I'm still burnt by the fact that Ghana has pizza hut), we headed out. First stop- The Republic Bar in Osu. We took regular taxis and got dropped off right on the street the bar was on. It was a very different kind of bar, almost like a street party- especially when I saw women in neon carnivally outfits selling glow sticks.

We started with a disgusting but very awakening ginger and local gin shot and then ordered a round of kokoroko- a cocktail made with hibiscus and local gin (zobo and ogogoro basically), yam chips, chicken and calamari. Everything tasted great and the drinks tasted strong but did not feel strong. We ended with another REALLY REALLY gross shot and then got in another cab to find kizomba- It wasn't meant to be with kizomba so we headed home.

The next day, we were supposed to go on a walking tour but it was way too hot so we chilled and then headed out to a "day party" at about 6pm.I spent a ton of time in the pool and eating and then we headed out for a supposed day party.  Got to Suncity Hotel Apartment, paid the cover fee (it's never free to enter anything in Ghana)- and then walked in to an empty ass spot. Talk about a non day- party day- party. We admired the view and ordered drinks (bottles only *sigh*)

We stayed at the day (turned to night) party for a good five hours, had more drinks, some food and headed out to crash a wedding. 

The wedding was soooo gorgeous and the music was the best I heard in the entire trip. The Republic bar was serving drinks (that kokoroko drink was chasing me). 

Finally, we got to new years eve! After a day of eating Nigerian jollof and Ghanian waakye (pronounced wache sha), we headed out at about 6pm to do the Jamestown tour we had been putting off for two days. On the day we went to the Republic in Osu, our friend assured us that it was "like Lagos Island"- friends- THIS was like Lagos Island. We did the tour, stopping to try their local spirits (never drink in a place that has a curtain instead of a door) and buying different kinds of Ghanian food. At the end of the tour, we ended up with kelewele (a spicy ripe plaintain), kenke (made from steamed corn), fried flat fish (seriously, this fish looked like crisps), shito (spicy pepper and fish mix), kpako shito (made from a spicy green pepper and made to be eaten fairly fresh), and some tins of sardines.

It's interesting that Ghanians have a lot of main meals that are snack like, and made to be eaten not warm.

After that meal, we said goodbye to our lovely tour guide and headed to Tea Baa a cute little bar in Osu, where we had spiked ice tea, chicken kebabs and played a noisy game of Taboo. My team won because apparently I'm an expert guesser.

We left Tea Baa and headed to a house party which turned out to be an intimate family party- yikes. The family was super nice and the food was sooo good, so we sat on couches in the driveway, watched fireworks and got pleasantly drowsy.

At 2.30am, we went to a club called Twist, where again, we paid to get in. It was PACKED. Apparently, it was full of Ahaspora (The Ghanian name for IJGBs) because locals were at home with their families, having lovely parties that were being crashed by foreigners :)

at 4am, I could physically not stand anymore and headed home. 

The next day was spent in a montage of of eating, lying down, watching Dark and eating. At 7, we started playing lemon until we started dropping like flies and heading to bed. 

By the time, we were headed to the airport in the morning, I was DRAINED, but in a good way. 

I was literally on the escalator down and it stopped very abruptly, nearly throwing me off- that's when I knew I was home!

 

 

How to Finally Keep Your New Year Resolutions

So you know how it goes. A new year starts and you race to make the most dramatic resolutions ever. I wrote this post last year about how the new year doesn't mean YOU're new, it just means the calendar changed date. I'm all for fresh starts- every Monday, every month, every payday- but at some point, you need to stop your dreaming and get realistic about how to go from point A (you now) to point B (the you, you aspire to be).

The first step really is- chill. No, you don't need to start a diet on January 1st, it's okay for your budget to start after your next pay check, you can start waking up at 6am on the first day of work, you can join the gym on february 1st, you can write the first 1000 words of your novel after you've recovered from staying up too many days in a row over the holidays. IT IS OKAY. I find that too many times, we set ourselves up to fail by starting new things on tough days- you want to stop eating carbs and sugar on the day that your auntie is coming to yours with her famous chocolate cheesecake that you eat once a year- it's not realistic. You want to start a novel on the day that you and your friends are going trampolining and then having dinner- why?

The second step is - also chill- no, I'm joking, well, kind of.  Trying to jump from zero to tatty billion is not a smart thing to do.  You're not going to gorge yourself for a whole month and instantly switch to green tea and salad (GT & S ammiright?) if green tea and salad wasn't your status quo before the holidays.  You want to go from not working out since July to two hours in the gym everyday- probably not going to happen mate!

So why don't you start with setting yourself up to succeed- why don't you try snack free days, why dont you start with walking? Why not start with saving 20 percent of your salary instead of half? - why dont you set yourself easy targets that you're likely to meet? the impact on your brain would make you stop feeling like you're incapable of achieving anything. You are probably not going to finish duolingo and get fairly fluent in french in January.

The third step is- set tiny targets that you can measure- 100 words, 3 hours of exercise a week, not eating sugar one day a week; I find it easier to set the large goal and not measure every step- so last year, I set a goal to read 50 books (finished at 82), and tracked every book on goodreads but didn't try and make sure it was 1 a week- there were weeks where I didn't read anything and that flexibility made it easier to stay on track. So you might want to write 5 thousand words a month- you don't necessarily have to have a fixed number for every day- but by all means, do if it works for you. 

The thing about setting goals is that you have to anticipate failure or flagging and then plan for it. If you want to start eating more fruits and vegetables, make it was easy as possible for yourself, which could be a smoothie, or always having it in your line of sight and obviously- buying more fruit and vegetables.  It is important to account for possible failure- we all have the capacity to succeed but we also have the capacity to sabotage our own goals, we're only human. When we set resolutions as if we can't fail, when we fail, we give up. 

Take a second look at your resolutions. Are they in line with the person that you know you are? or did you make them for the version of yourself you haven't met? Ultra-stylish, speedy, always with a witty comeback, limitless you? 

If you adjust your goals, you might get to the meet the other you at some point- corny but true :)

Hashtag Summer Body Days 4

Thursday

9.34am

Someone drops an apology meatpie on my desk (*apology food- is the food you give a foodie in place of apologising) -i'm hungry, so I inhale it.

11.02am

Had this big dream of fruit and yoghurt but hollandia being a Nigerian brand has changed their yoghurt formulation and it is now a watery mess. I eat the soaked apple anyway.

2.20pm

I feel like I need meat so I eat some moi moi and meat from TFC. I wash it down with half a 35cl coke.

3.51pm

Coffee

7.25pm

Working late- looked for snacks- got this biscuit,  took a bite and abandoned it.

8.41pm

I get home from work and eat a banana

9.17pm

It's late and I really don't need to eat this but I eat yam chips and egg

 

 

Hashtag Summer Body Day 3

9.58am

Coffee with vanilla almond milk and 1 sugar

10.12 am- chopped apple and frozen strawberries

3.06pm

I have a TFC salad and moi moi for lunch- I eat the cooked bits of the salad and leave the salad bits (on the left) because I suddenly wasn't sure how they were prepped. 

4.43pm- I taste these- burnt and gross.

Time Unknown but probably around 7.30

Beans and a few cubes of plantain

*END OF DAY 3*

Hashtag Summer Body day 2

Tuesday.


Start my day with a litre of water and a probiotic. Consider not eating before my dentist appointment, but considering my last proper meal was at 2.30pm yesterday, I'm really hungry.

9.31am
I eat some salmon and sweet potato left over from last week's meal prep.

 

10.09am

I eat an apple to cleanse the salmon-I obviously brush my teeth again before the dentist because it's polite.

my fave ENT doctor has moved to another country- a new ENT clinic I'm supposed to try has an asinine billing person- My uber and taxify keep getting lost or cancelling- the whole dentist visit is way more expensive than I intended and I still have to go to work. Basically...

2.40pm
I get 2 Scoops of sorbet from hans and rene. When I was leaving, one of the staff was like "see you tomorrow". What is my life? I got the zobo and fruit sorbet. The zobo is super spicy. They defs changed the recipe since the last time I had it-It has a real kick now -the fresh fruit sorbet (fruits of the forest ?) something like that- balanced out the spiciness. I almost got the pink grapefruit but the guy taking my order was like 'have you tasted the pink grapefruit before?' It tasted like a chalky medicine-  thank you for stopping me!

4. 00pm

I'm so hungry, I ask someone if they have gala (they eat gala everyday) -I don't even like gala! I eat my croissant from hans & rene-yes I bought a croissant when you weren't looking ! Also have some tea. The croissant is delicious. The tea is gross for some reason.

I order a taco because it's Tuesday- duh! Taco Tuesday.

 

5.50pm
Start eating my chips and guac in the car. It is ay way way too salty and not too enjoyable but I paid for it-so I eat the chips till the guac runs out.

6.38pm
Eat the taco which is more a wrap at this point and ruined by the salty guac.

*End of day 2*

 

 

 

Hashtag Wedding Body aka Nigerian Summer Body

So, I wrote an entire post on my plan to basically get a Summer body for my friends wedding in 6 weeks.  I never published it or properly finished it so i’ve reproduced the draft I did.

I asked EatDrinkLagos if they could commission me to try various diets. Nosa laughed and Folayemi ignored me.  I thought, shit- I’m going to be fat forever- then it occurred to me that I might as well tell my own story- less likely to look stupid as well, since I have a tiny audience.

I’ve been a bridesmaid NINE times. And in roughly six weeks, I take up my post again.  As usual, the dress is gorgeous and unforgiving and I’m side eyeing my belly everyday like yikes! So ideally, I should do something undramatic that I can ease into and that- but like I wanna be in the hot league of bridesmaids- I want to break free from making my aso-ebi into a baggy shift dress- I want it to be like some ridiculous tight thing that I need an extra long zip and some pulling to fit into.  At the same time, I want my health- yano. I’m fat and stuff- so I’m not going to be slim in sevenish week- but I want to be you know? Sculpted- so diet is king and whatnot but I’m going to turn to exercise for this one- because you know those “thick” video girl bodies yeah? Gym!

How much can a body change in 6 weeks?

Dami is about to find out.

Well, at the time I wrote the post, I had 6, maybe 7 weeks. Now I have like a month. My plan was to document the entire process, so people could watch me lose weight rather than wait till i’d lost it to ask me a bunch of questions.  I know a big part of me thought it was possible to achieve my weight loss goals In 6 weeks- I didn't admit that to myself but that's really what I thought. So anyway, I explained here why I was finding it super hard to post that.  After Folayemi of @eatdrinklagos published her food diary, I got super gingered and decided to start mine. The thing is, I want to do it daily as much as possible, so I'm going to post Monday now and then do it only one day behind, for greater accountability.  Please no one ask me how I intend to lose even a quarter of a pound eating the way I do- smh.

 

Monday

I start my day with a workout, new season of insecure, probiotics and water- so actually feeling pretty pumped!

9.30am coffee.JPG

 

 

9.26am-

 

 

 

I have a coffee buddy at work. Our common interest is not drinking shit coffee so we share coffees and creamers etc. Anyway, I use their new hazelnut coffee creamer, but forget that it's sugar free. I HATE sugar free anything, so it's gross but I drink it anyway.

 

 

10.31am-
I have a second cup of coffee- this time- packet cappucino. Much better. All this caffeine and no food is making me feel empty.

 

 

 

 

 

11.44am


with no food prospects in sight, I start eating this giant brownie I got from Hans & Rene the day before. When I buy junk food to have in the future, I question my decision making skills- why am I planning ahead to satisfy a future unwelcome craving?

 

Giant Cookie

1.16pm 

 

I have this giant cookie I also bought from hans and rene.

 

 

yikes!

Nutrients

2.27pm

 

I eat actual nutrients for the first time today. This is leftover from my meal prep last week. Brown basmati, shredded beef and vegetables in a tomato sauce and grilled broccoli.

 

 

4.03pm

I feel like I need to apologise to my body for all the sugar so I have a massive green tea.

hershey bars

4.15pm-

 

 

Literally haven't drank half of my green tea and someone comes round with free chocolate. People at work usually come back from trips abroad with free chocolate for everyone in the office. I eat one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.05pm

Still at work. Eat the rest of the chocolate, except the GROSS milk chocolate, which tastes like actual vomit. If it was from Shoprite, I would be convinced it was fake or expired.

The one good thing from today is that I've had 4 litres of water, but obviously very little actual nutrition. 

*END OF DAY ONE*

 

 

 

On...Giving Your Thoughts Too Much Power

Lately, I've been scared of blogging- I've reached peak anxiety and I would draft a post/ many posts on google docs- on notes- on word- via email and it would be time to post and I would sign in to squarespace and then...just not be able to.  I'm not sure what's happening- or why it's happening, but it's a kind of paralysis that also spreads to other areas- where- I find myself unable to do the things I really want to do...it's hard to explain how you just start to do things and just...can't. 

Sometimes, I think we give our minds too much credit- kind of like, if we think it, it must be true- but minds are full of all sorts of untrue things- and sometimes, the only thing you can do is literally ignore your thoughts and feelings and just do what you set out to do regardless. 

Have you ever gotten on a plane and gotten convinced that everything that happened that day leading up to that plane journey was a bad sign? Like a friend texts you out of the blue- or you forgot your favourite shirt and you never forget your favourite shirt or that morning you woke up and felt too tired and considered moving your flight- so everything takes on this significance and you're convinced that it means something. Then you take off, land, get off and realise that your mind made the entire thing up. 

I feel like in Nigeria, it's easier to listen to your mind instead of just doing things, because when everyone is trying to tell you how best to live your life- your own mind is all you have. It's an extra delicate balance of using your mind to set goals and then ignoring it when you're trying to be consistent. 

Does any of this even make sense? 

Thoughts from Beauty and the Beast

1.

So picture this. You fall in love.  Yeah the person isn't your usual type but you've grown to love their eyes and the funny thing they do with their eyebrow and the familiar way their hand feels when you hold hands- or whatever- whatever reasons you have for falling in love with this "ugly" person are valid.  Now imagine you fall asleep next to the love of your life and when you wake up, they are an entirely different person- as in completely different- but objectively "not ugly", does that make you feel like "hmm thank God I don't have to be with the ugly love of my life anymore" - errr no- you're like WHO THE FLYING PHUCK ARE YOU? GET OUT OF MY BED.

So when Belle falls for the beast, errr...this prince is a different person yo. The beast was hench, all he had to do was do the Kanye work out plan and drop a few pounds! When he changed into a boring ass human, she "joked" about him growing a beard- come on Belle, you know you loved that hairy beast.

2.

If you get kidnapped, and a candlestick is nice enough to let you out of your cell, please return the favour and stay in your lane.  Don't go and start "exploring" the house- this isn't a rental viewing- don't go and try and touch cursed flowers that may keep people trapped forever- I mean, for goodness sake! It's because of this flower obsession, your father was kidnapped in the first place!

3.

So this chick Belle is telling her dad that she'll come for him and escape right? super noble and whatnot- cool. Next thing, she's taken out of the cell, given food and a bed, the whole princess treatment right? See- SHE EVEN LEFT THE CASTLE AND GUESS WHAT HER "KIDNAPPER" DID? HE SAVED HER LIFE.  Guess what she did? nursed him back to life and chilled in the castle, taking snowy walks and making jokes about cheesy books- only for him to ask if he has a chance with her and she says "can anyone be happy if they aren't free?" maybe not man, but you free Belle! You very free.  You guys was niggas in parising! GO AND SEE YOUR DAD! The guy that is so desperate to save you that people believe he's a crazy person. 

4.

That yellow dress she wore to her private dance with Beasty was supposed to be the highlight outfit, but like....it just didn't translate from cartoon to real life.

5.

Just as a final note- please, don't fall in love with beasts and try and bring out some deep inner spirit.  You might ruin yourself in the process (the same way Belle was already ruining herself and forgetting her dad for some library books).  Not even a beast with money okay? Not even a beast that's a prince.  

6.

If anything talks to you in someones house and you are in Nigeria, you are in the presence of witches and there is no such thing as a "good Nigerian witch" so be careful. 

7.

I think I've come to the end of my thoughts.