I’m back, I think.

Hello hello hello to my one remaining follower. Shout out to you. Shout out to me for continuing to pay my very expensive Squarespace subscription month after month hoping that this is the month where I’m struck with divine inspiration to write something. I guess today is in fact, that day. I have N16,485 in my account and yesterday and after a month of reading money diaries on zikoko, it occurred to me that everybody else in the world is making more money than me so what the hell do I have to lose. I’ve been scared to write something too whiny, too narcissistic, too this too that and yet opening myself up to all sorts of free writing opportunities. It occurred to me that, if I’m writing for free for other people, I might as well write for free for my damn self. So here I am, again. 

After starting again the millionth time, I have to tell you, starting again sucks. I feel foolish. I live in such a constant state of embarrassment,that I don’t even remember how it feels to NOT be embarrassed. Everytime I put myself out afresh, everytime I start a new idea or whatever, everytime I say “hey I’m looking for a job in this AGAIN”, I feel sooo embarrased. There is nothing I’ve wanted more than having one clear vision for my life, one goal that I can latch on to and be like yes, this is THE ONE. But lord, I have so many visions and all of them feel like THE ONE. And it’s so hard to just pick one and forget everything else which is what everyone says you HAVE to do right? 

I think a bigger problem than having too many ideas or life vision or whatever is waiting for permission from other people before you do anything. Someone said if you have interests, you have to do it for yourself first, it’s like that with everything else, if you want a career, you have to believe in it for yourself. Like writing- I paid for this expensive ass blog, I’ve been writing as long as I can remember, but still instead of creating content for myself, I’m bending over backwards to create for other people- for someone else to tell me this is how I’m supposed to be doing things.

I think that’s probably the worst part.