I Should Have Taken My Own Advice...

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I broke my cardinal rule of goal setting- I did too much. After I tasted consistency and started falling in love with it, I kept on tacking on more and more things to be consistent in, and you can imagine how that went. I crashed. Hard. Before I crashed, things started to slip. The thing about setting bigger and bigger goals is that you get such a rush from completing those goals, that you start to lose sight of everything else you’re losing from focusing on this giant goal that may not even care about.

So I did what I would advise anyone to do- I stopped everything and went back to my starting points. It quickly became apparent what goals I wasn’t interested in and which ones I did but hadn’t been focusing on, like the blog.

When I did my 30 days of blogging everyday, I was proud of myself but I didn’t get the immediate rush that I wanted at the end of it - some massive increase in popularity- something. That was short sighted. In the threeish months since I did that, I’ve been getting traction, which is very strange because I’ve barely posted since then. I don’t think it’s because I posted everyday- I think because I posted everyday, I was able to put out content I loved that I would have hesitated to put out before.

As someone that has gone back to hesitating, I’ve come to the honest realisation that creating consistently is…just hard. There’s no hack, there’s no way around the hard, you just have to accept it as part of the process.

I started this blog because I wasn’t seeing enough of my life being reflected on the internet- a twenty something year old girl trying to navigate life in Lagos. It’s interesting that so many years later, I still don’t know many other bloggers sharing that journey. Rather than turn me off, it makes me even more determined to follow through with that path. It’s interesting how much my old posts help me, and from the lovely comments I get, I believe they help other people too.

Welcome back to me.

Lessons I Learnt From Blogging Everyday for 31 Days aka 1 month.

1.    It’s hard to put your work out there constantly - even on days where I didn’t struggle with the content, I struggled with sharing it- when you create only when inspiration strikes, it’s easy to share because you feel like that’s something worth sharing- but when you’re creating no matter how you feel, those feelings of self consciousness are quicker to rise - the hardest part of creating isn’t creating, it’s sharing.

2.    When you find inspiration, you can find it again- I became less afraid of stopping things - before I would be scared that if I didn’t write an exact sentence down the way it came to me, I would lose it forever but then I realised that the inspiration came from me and that well of inspiration would continue to exist past the moment.

3.    If you don’t plan in advance, the quality of your work will suffer. Somewhere in the last 10 days, I started to feel 50/50 about the quality of work I was putting out vs the first week where I felt like everything was of the highest quality.

 4.    Consistency kills procrastination – there’s a post I put up this past month that I wrote in TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHTEEN. Like I didn’t have to edit it because it was fully written, edited and sitting in my drafts for two years. This is so common with creative work- when you’re not consistent, it’s easy to live with an imaginary standard of work vs actually taking the risk to put out something that you’re not sure of.

 5.    A month is a long time and it’s also no time at all- somewhere in the recess of my mind, I thought I would gain a lot of traction just by showing up consistently…for a month. I didn’t admit this thought to myself, obviously. If you had asked me, I would have told you I had zero expectations, but of course there’s always that tiny flicker in your mind that you refuse to acknowledge. Let me tell you something, the gift of consistency is consistency itself. Did I gain traction? Not really. Was I disappointed? No. 

 6.    It boosted my confidence and value in myself- this is a catch 22- I was able to complete the challenge because of the work I had been doing to see my work as having value, but doing the work itself increased my self value. For the first time in a long time, I started taking art commissions again, I started writing in general again, I started designing again. Things I didn’t even realise I had been making excuses not to do because I couldn’t see the value. I am a lot more self confident now than I was at the start of last month.

 7.    It also boosted my ability to be vulnerable- something about putting my words out in the world everyday made me able to tap into that vulnerability in other areas of my life. In the past month, I’ve been able to have honest conversations where I’m able to put my thoughts and feelings out honestly without fear. It’s very freeing. 

 Wow, It’s crazy that I got so much out of this. I am so happy I did it and honestly, showing up for yourself without any tangible and immediate benefit is the most satisfying feeling in the world. If I could bottle it and sell it, I would. 

 What did you think about the challenge?

What does it mean to be consistent?

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

I’m in a very smug and content place in life where I’m being consistent in so many areas. Today, the thought came to me, what does it mean to be consistent? We say it all the time, we know it’s important, but what does it mean?

Consistency is an anchor. It’s a safe place you explore the world from. In people, it might be your parents or your partner or a close friend you’ve had forever. You know that they are there for you no matter what, so it gives you the confidence to meet new people. It can be a home that’s always there to return to, so you have the confidence to travel everywhere. 

Somehow, we change that idea and definition when it comes to habits. Then, consistency means “the same”. You MUST do the same workout program everyday. You must wake up at 6.45am everyday. You must write 372 words EVERYDAY. You must eat 1574 calories everyday. The moment you miss a day- it’s gone, destroyed, you’re no longer a consistent person.

How false and silly is that notion? I wrote earlier in the month about building an anchor and now I’m realising that’s also building consistency. In order to be consistent, you need to build safe spaces for yourself to return to. 

 In a way, this month, I’ve been dropping clues that all lead here. When you know your what and your why, when you find your anchor, when you realise that time is going to pass no matter what you do, suddenly you’re being consistent! 

Any achievement that comes from consistency comes from a culmulative effect. I can write 10,000 words a day. One day, I wrote 16 thousand words. To aim to make 10k words or even 5k or 2k my anchor is setting myself up to fail because anyone can do anything a few times but what I KNOW I can do everyday, no matter how I feel, is write 300 words. That’s my anchor. That’s how I’m a consistent writer. That makes me feel good and competent and like I’ve achieved something. On days when I write 2,000 and 5,000 and 1,000 words, it feels good to know that the next day, I can relax into 300 and my work is done. 

 You don’t have to figure it out on day 1 and you don’t need to hit personal bests every day. I realise this is a hard way to think because I have these conversations with people, and they see it as me giving myself an out or not pushing myself hard enough. Anchors sound easy because anchors are easy. They have to be! Consistent spaces/ people don’t become that because they are difficult, it’s because they make you feel safe. 

In the next few weeks, I’ll be zeroing in on areas of my life I’ve become consistent in and explain my own personal journey to consistency in those areas. 

What does consistency mean to you?

Show Up For Yourself

When I was a runner, for many years in my past life, the one thing that stood out to me about it was how it made me show up for myself. For the first year of running, I woke up before 6am to catch a bus to meet up with two girls I barely knew (one of whom is famous now, sorry to everyone that hears me talk about this every two months) to run for 12 minutes. In my second year of running, I ran 3 miles a day everyday for the whole year- come rain or snow or whatever. Evntually, I ran for longer and longer, waking up even earlier depending on work. It didn’t matter if I had someone over or whatever else was going on in my life- those miles were a promise to show up for myself and I always did.

 There’s something about living in Nigeria that makes you stop showing up for yourself- I don’t know quite what it is. Maybe it’s the paradox of people infantilising you and then expecting everything from you at the same time or the limits that society constantly places on you with judgment that shouldn’t matter but feels overwhelming all the same. The way vulnerability is really not a part of the culture and so you end up feeling alone, or sometimes foolish- for showing up- even for yourself.

 Lately, I’ve gradually started showing up for myself. I’m not quite where I used to be, because quite frankly, I was a powerhouse- but it’s the 19th day of blogging everyday and I haven’t missed a day. I’ve finished writing a book and have started another one and I’m generally taking myself away more seriously. I still have some way to go to get to the place I would like to be, but just as it takes time to build trust with other people, it takes time to build trust with yourself. I am enjoying the slow process of building that trust with myself.

 It just occurred to me the other day how crazy it was that I was putting 100 percent of myself into everything that wasn’t mine- every job- paid and unpaid- every favour, but I wasn’t even giving myself the bare minimum. I could work for hours on research for someone else’s thing but I couldn’t sit for 1 hour and create something for myself. I think the conditioning is so deep that you have to see productivity as beyond something that brings any tangible reward. You have to see yourself as worth the effort.  

Take some time to think of whether or not you’re showing up for yourself and if you haven’t been, it’s never too late to start!

Lockdown Journal:Episode 4

I am mentally exhausted. After two weeks of motivation and being my best self, I am visited again by “I just want to lie on the couch and eat cake with Netflix”. And I’m going to give in to that self. The best thing about not having a 9-5 is being able to give in to the highs and lows of your emotions and moods. The best thing about making a long term commitment like blogging everyday, is that you can give in to those impulses whilst having something grounding in the background. As long as I follow through with my commitments to self, I’m able to relax into the rest of my life guilt free.

Also, it’s Friday! As much as the days have started rolling into one during this lockdown, the weekend still feels very clear to me. Fridays are days for lying down and sinking into the day- Saturdays are my most creative and productive days (probably because of all the rest I get on Friday).

I cut my hair the other day and at first it looked awful, like really bad, but as the days have passed, it’s somehow starting to work? Or I’m getting used to it? Either way I like it. My skin is awful at the moment though, but somehow, I just can’t bring myself to care about that.

Isn’t it weird that on the surface, you can feel your emotions are completely fine but when you study your behaviour, you can see where things may not be so fine?

Everyday, I’m thinking “oooh I’m used to this”, but then I try to read or something and I’m like “I’m definitely not okay”. Today is the official month 2 mark of my lockdown- me and my husband started ours early. It’s weird, the novelty seems to have worn off for most people and we are here, sticking to being at home and I can’t help but wonder if I’m being extreme? Am I the one that’s crazy? Should I be making more of an effort to see my family? Are my own priorities wrong?

It felt nice when we are all "in this together”, but now we aren’t anymore and it’s back to deciding for yourself what your line is - also, all this talk of “new normal” is so tiring because chances are- things are probably just going to go back how they were and even if they don’t, we don’t know exactly how things are going to change.

Okay, the couch is calling and I need to go and answer!

Bye xxx

What Do I Want And Why?

What do I want and why do I want it is a question most of us have to confront at one or more times in our lives. It’s the question that if answered honestly, can help you unmask so many hidden fears that you have. Fear will continue to condition you to limit your desires until you are willing to be honest with them and face up to what you want.

Remember that want is a wish, a dream, a hope- so why be scared to explore it? Why be scared to admit it?

Your “want’ might be 1 million dollars- why not? Remember there’s a second part to this and both require the same level of honesty- what do you want can make you go wild – we can all want things if we ask ourselves long enough- but why? That’s the important part.

When I sat down with a pen and a notebook (okay truthfully, it was an apple pencil and an ipad but it still applies) and wrote down my wants and why, it uncovered so many things I had been unwilling to admit- it also made me able to set goals that actually matched my why. It forced me to see that I had been reaching for smaller goals because I had convinced myself I couldn’t achieve the larger goals. 

Have you ever looked at someone that seemed to have a singular drive to achieve one particular goal and thought “I wish I knew what goal I wanted to pursue, I have so many things in my mind”- I know I have- but guess what? There is a singular goal I want to pursue, It just seemed so unlikely that I refused to acknowledge it and therefore, refused to give it the attention that it needed.

How about an exercise for the day- You, your pen and some paper and two questions- what do I want? And why?

How much honesty is too much honesty from a friend?

If you watch Insecure, you know that the central plot of season 4 so far has been the gradual destruction of Issa and Molly’s friendship. One passive aggressive comment at a time, their friendship is getting shredded and we have 5 episodes to find out if it can be fixed.

As the arguments for each side fly back and forth on social media every week, I find myself asking the question- how much honesty is too much honesty in a friendship and is it always kind?

As people make their case for who is wrong (it’s Molly, I refuse to argue)- what is increasingly clear is that the standard of perfection to which friendship is held is an impossible standard. The occasional “harsh truth” tends to be accepted in romantic relationships but can’t seem to be the case for friendship. Is your friendship always positive, with long ways to get to the truth of the matter? basically, are we saints? and do we expect our friends to be saints?

I for one believe that some truths are harsh, not because of the way they are told, but because they are in themselves harsh truths. I don’t feel like there’s ever any reason to hurt your friend on purpose, but I believe that in developing conversational short cuts with your friend, some of those short cuts will hurt. Of course, if your friend hurts you, they should be willing to listen to your perspective, even though the hurt wasn’t their intention.

I don’t know where the line is honestly, I think every friendship needs to define it for itself. I do think if we start to relate to our friends the way we relate to our romantic partners, we might be more willing to forgive and be kinder in understanding where the other person is coming from. A “you can do better” from a friend can sound violent if you’re not ready to hear it, no matter how they say it, but if that’s your friend and they have the best intentions, even the hardest truths can be turned around.

Being the bigger person is a scam.

You’ve heard it before- don’t stoop down to their level- be the bigger person. What is implied is that being the bigger person somehow has more moral weight even though the smaller person has more real life wins. As usual, oppressed people are taught to hang on to some metaphysical rewards while the oppressors get to enjoy the rewards of oppression. Reject the notion that being the bigger person is in itself a reward, it is not.

We know that women are socialised to be “the bigger person” in all situations in life no matter how terrible, no matter what level of oppression. What we don’t talk about enough is how women that choose to act outside of that moral box are dealt with swiftly - first by shame which we are socialised to fear and when that doesn’t work by direct punishment. A woman that constantly pushes back will be punished. That's something I want you to hold in the back of your mind as you read further.

How then, do you stop being the bigger person, reap the rewards of being the smaller person and also avoid being punished. Simple- by also playing the game. The game changes in every situation, but there’s always a game, learn to find it.

Have you ever heard someone agree with you that they HATE office politics, but then they get promoted and you don’t? They get a bonus and you don’t? you KNOW their work has been terrible lately but somehow in a meeting, your boss gives them a “well done” shoutout. I hate to break it to you, you’ve been taken for a mug and you’ve lost the game by the default of not playing.

I think we waste our time as adults assuming that other adults “don’t know what they are doing”- most of the time, they do. If you find yourself picking up most of the work in a situation where someone else should be sharing it- it’s not by accident, they are leaving it to you. If you find yourself explaining why someone did something bad “again” and they “aren’t like that”- they are, there’s just no benefit to changing.

So I beg you, stop being the bigger person. If you choose to apologise in a situation, don’t do it “to be the bigger person”, do it because you have something to apologise for. If someone keeps leaving you with labour that should be shared, leave it for them too. If someone takes credit for your work, take it back.

Pushback will come with some consequences, but eventually, you will find a new normal that doesn’t rely on you being a doormat on earth to find some reward in heaven.

Lockdown Journal- Episode 3

How much honesty is too much honesty in friendship? I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the new season (Season 4) of Insecure started. I think we all recognise that best friends Molly and Issa are not being the kindest to each other at the moment, and sometimes the fictional words cut to real life so deeply- but is it possible for honesty to ALWAYS be kind? Sometimes hard truths are just that- hard. I think we’ve built up friendship to be this place where only the highest positivity is allowed. I think truth should be allowed. I think people should be as kind as they can be, but we should allow each other the grace for hard truths to sound…hard.

I think it’s finally dawning on me that this virus might be around for a long long time. There are things I mentally kept thinking I would get round to in a month or two- as this unlikely to be over in a month or two, I’m finding ways to adapt my thinking to just buckling down and assuming that this has many months left to go.

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen this post:

This, from @hollybourneya Pretending hit me so hard, I had to stop reading and go to bed. I've always been a fairly open person, willing to share my experiences to help other people. Over and over again, I kept experiencing people not taking me seriously and it started to get frustrating- especially when it seemed like there was no basis for it- I work hard, I'm trustworthy - I can be serious if the situation calls for it. This sentence and actually, the conversation in the book that led to these words opened my eyes to something that I had been ignoring. If you're always putting your vulnerability in front of everything else, that's all people are going to choose to see- and whilst it may help someone, what do I get out of it? What do I get out of my life being on display as entertainment or as something to judge or as an easy self measure for someone to be able to pat themselves on the back and say "at least I'm doing better" Nothing I'm saying sounds like a bad thing to be- I'm sure people are reading it thinking "what's so wrong with being open?" - it's not so much what's wrong with it? It's "what are the consequences of that level of openness on the rest of my life?" #pretending #hollybourne

21 Likes, 7 Comments - Dami (@whatdamireads) on Instagram: "This, from @hollybourneya Pretending hit me so hard, I had to stop reading and go to bed. I've..."

I’ve mentioned before how much I’ve been able to think and how much clarity I’ve gotten from this experience but this was probably the clearest of them all. I think I’ve always been the kind of person to live life as I want it to be rather than how it is. The problem with that is life is going to keep on treating you as is. Maintaining the fantasy of doing whatever I want with no consequence is just silly. I think as human beings, we ascribe the best intentions to ourselves even when reality doesn’t support it. We all think we are objective and non judgmental and good and that’s not the case the majority of the time. If you keep staying “out of the game” because of some sort of self righteousness, you’re always going to lose by default. It’s a balancing act of choosing to maintain what’s MOST important to you and following societal norms for the rest because life is short.

I’ve also realised lately, how much I’ve missed fashion- it used to be one of the biggest parts of my life and it kind of just disappeared. I cannot wait to sink back into that life, it’s so fun!

Okay, back to editing I go!

Done Is Better Than Perfect is Not The Way To Live Your Life

Here’s the thing. I understand where “done is better than perfect” comes from. It’s the idea that if there were only two options in the world, one was endlessly procrastinating till something is perfect and one was just making sure it’s complete, the better option would be “do it” vs not do it. I want to start with that because the last time I said this, someone tried to explain what it means to me and like…it’s not rocket science, I just don’t agree.

 All procrastinators are perfectionists. Being a perfectionist isn’t a positive attribute. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re more careful or more organised or have more taste than anyone else- it just means you’re obsessed with an idea of perfection that isn’t real and refuse to accept anything less than that standard. It’s good to want to do things well and it’s good to want to do things properly but that’s really different from being a perfectionist even though I think sometimes people use it to mean the same thing.

I think one of the failings of society is the obsession with easy success stories. “Wow, she just did a sketch on a napkin and now her paintings sell for 50 trillion kajillion poundollars”. Any story of success that’s simple is most likely a lie or not the whole truth- everything has some difficulty if you have to do it consistently. 

 And I’m not saying as a principle, “done is better than perfect” doesn’t have its moments, but I don’t think it’s worth holding on to it so you can motivate yourself to do a 10 minute workout instead of no workout- listen, sometimes, don’t do the workout- sometimes, miss a Monday. What you should be examining is your castle of perfection and why we are replacing something that isn’t desirable with something that’s another extreme. Just “done” mostly doesn’t work. Have you ever worked on a group project with people and then everyone “does” their work but then you have to re-do it?

Have you ever sent rubbish work out to meet a deadline that guess what? Was still rubbish?

I think we should normalise honesty with ourselves and self-praise so we have a healthier standard of behaviour to lean into and a more sustainable way to measure our work. This idea that “omg I really thought it was crap but that ended up being good” is so silly when you think about it. Why did you need to look at it through other people’s eyes to figure out if it was good or bad? It’s this lie that “done is better” relies on. It’s the idea that “done” is better than you think and you won’t know if you keep waiting for perfect. Or that if you keep adding up “tones”, you have no choice but to improve. Both of those ideas are fantasies.

Do things and do them well. Stop setting yourself up to do things that are impossible. Do your little bit very well, add on some more, do it very well and just stay consistent. 

 Perfection is a lie. Effort is where it’s at. 

 Stop aiming for just done and stop aiming to be perfect. Show up for yourself and set things that make you feel good about yourself because I promise you – a series of “dones” doesn’t add up to much in the big scheme of things. 

If you’ve had success with just “done”, please comment!

Lockdown Journal- Episode 2

I am over cooking. I’m over baking. I’m over food in general. What started out as the highlight of lockdown has now devolved into something tiring. I don’t want to cook, and I don’t want to eat. My husband started working from home on March 16 and since then we’ve been out three times for less than 30 minutes each time to buy groceries. I’ve been in the house coming up to 2 months and while I feel really grateful that I have the opportunity to stay home, two months of being in the house is…a lot. 

 I’ve baked – two banana loaves, 1 set of carrot cake muffins, 2 sets of banana loaf muffins, 1 set of regular muffins, 1 set of scones, 2 brownies, 1 chocolate cake, 1 ginger loaf, 2 sets of flatbread, one loaf of bread, 4 sets of cookies and that’s just baking. I haven’t even started on cooking. I gave up drinking alcohol after the second or third week with one or two exceptions because drinking at home just stopped being fun. After eating two boxes of snacks, I decided to give up snacking as well- largely because I’m just tired of FOOD!

 I’ve been trying to finish my book edits and I’m telling you; writing is the fun part. Reading back on what you’ve written, especially when it’s a whole book, is hard. Plus, my reading in general has fallen off, it’s hard to get my mind to focus on blocks of text at a time. I feel like my mind is constantly racing and I’m finding it hard to keep up, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and I’m in the middle of some thought and I’m thinking, why am I thinking right now?

Final Cut Pro is free for three months (google Final Cut Pro free trial). Video editing has never seemed like my jam, but when something that’s usually expensive is free for a good length of time, it feels foolish to pass it up, so I’ve added learning how to edit with Final Cut Pro into my rolodex.

I didn’t think I could realise things further after spending a year in the deep realisation of things pre-lockdown, but lockdown is really surprising me and I am indeed, realising things. I have worked through things that I have been trying to work through for years, in weeks. What’s that about? It feels random and temporary because is it possible for things to just click in your brain in weeks when they haven’t clicked for years?

 I am definitely not bored, so that’s great. I am trying to maintain a routine and eat like an adult (more fruit, more veg, more protein). Some days are better than others. I am researching articles I have been meaning to write for years and showering every day. Somehow, I have been seeing that my work has more value than I have ever been willing to admit. I have grown past doing things half-heartedly. I either do them properly, or I don’t do them at all. When I choose not to do them, I’m kind to myself and I’m not trapped in guilt about it. Kindness to myself has allowed me to be kinder to others, and in being kinder to others, I’m able to self-reflect through their eyes. 

In areas where I have balked in the past at taking criticism, I am not more willing to understand where it comes from. I know exactly what my goal is for everything I’m doing. I know for me, this space is to build my community and I’m so excited about every comment, every DM, every @, every email. It means everything when people give feedback, and it tells me that I’m closer to the community of my dreams, one that isn’t just between me and you, but all of us together. 

Look at me on day 4 guy! Are you enjoying the daily blog posts? I know I am! What do you think? Can we go a bit longer on these posts?

How to deal with anxiety

It was only a few years ago that I realised that not everyone lives with anxiety. Not everyone has a crushing unidenitifiable fear of everything/anything that stops them from being able to act. Anxiety for me feels like someone sitting on my chest- it’s the inability to make myself do the simplest things like fill a form because I’m worried about some unidentifiable fear of what the form will lead to. If you are reading this now and realising that you may have anxiety, you’re not alone. Anxiety is one of those things that everyone thinks they have. Everyone feels anxious sometimes, but not everyone has anxiety.

These things won’t cure your anxiety, but one or a combination might help you to feel better, for an hour, a day or longer and honestly, when you’re in the depths of a crushing anxiety attack, any little help goes a long way.

Limit the source of anxiety

Reading every single headline/ report/ think piece/ tweet updating you on the very thing that’s causing you anxiety is not a good idea. Limit what you can. If you don’t use social media for work, consider stepping back- if you do, consider putting filters and mute words in place. You don’t need to see everything.

Develop a routine

When you’re stuck at home, taking a break from routine can sound like the most freeing thing in the world, but a routine establishes some sort of order in your mind and goes a long way in controlling anxiety. It doesn’t have to be a crazy routine- you dont have to wake up at 4am and wear a suit the whole day. It can be as simple as waking up in the same time frame, always making a coffee when you wake up, always eating the same breakfast, always working from the same couch position etc. A routine is anything you repeatedly do- it doesn’t have to be something draconian.

Journal your feelings

Journalling is one of those things that everyone tells you is good for you but you can never seem to bring yourself to do. You don’t need a special notebook, you don’t need to light a candle, it doesn’t have to be in the morning. It can be in the notes app in your phone, you can send a message to yourself on your phone, you can write it on a random piece of paper. the goal is to get the thoughts out of your head and somewhere. Most times, anxiety comes from a place we can’t pinpoint and that can feel overwhelming, but writing it down (most times you don’t even know where it’s from before you write it down) makes you see exactly what it is. You’d be shocked that your anxiety is from something that’s easy to fix and even when it isn’t, it can give you some calm, however temporary.

Pay attention to your diet

For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time sleeping through the night. Being able to sleep better is probably the biggest perk of married for me, because my husband’s presence is calming for me, and my sleep is generally better. Over time, I’ve tried a ridiculous number of diets. The ones that had a biggest impact on my sleep were magnesium supplements, fasting, and any diet that limits carbs/sugar. I say this long thing to say, just pay attention to how your diet affects your moods, your anxiety and things that exacerbate anxiety like lack of sleep.

Workout

The only workout that has ever given me endorphins to the extent that it calmed my anxiety is running, so I’m including it in case it’s something you want to try. There are so many workouts to try that may have the same effect- walking, yoga, pilates- try different workouts and see what works for you.

Meditation

The one thing meditation does is teaches you to be present and to really hear yourself think. It can be hard to get into if it’s not something that you naturally do but over time, it’s worth it. Start as simply as possible, with a five minute app meditation. Try and do it at roughly the same time everyday and overtime, it will become something you can do when you need to.

What are the things that help you with your mental health?

An Incredibly confusing post that hopefully someone else can relate to

My most complimented attribute is how much I put myself out there- it’s inspiring, people are jealous of it, it’s the one thing I hear more than anything else and yet, it’s like the bane of my existence. 

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 A friend of mine said a few weeks ago that she would like to work on our friendship. That led me down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out if something was wrong , how it went wrong, my role in it and if there was a way to fix it. That then led me down a different rabbit hole of thinking about my relationships, my self confidence and self belief. 

I have no self-belief. I am more concerned about what other people think than I realise. Those are two separate things that are both true. Those things are connected by my choice of relationships.

From a young age, people/ media/ everything and everyone gives you the cues about the markers for a good romantic relationship but all other relationships are the wild wild west. As I grew older, I was able to fashion my own set of standards for romantic relationships and got better at picking romantic partners. The rest of it was the wild wild west. 

I’ve always been too something- too loud, too talkative, too much of a thinker, too intense, too emotional, too bad- and all of that left me with a very confusing and also negative picture of myself. I constantly sought out people who affirmed those negative things, even though it took me many more years to realise that. That meant that I was myself to only myself. Everyone else around me thought of me as too something and that was my kind of comfort zone. Sometimes I even leaned into those characterisations of myself. 

Most of why I started blogging was having a space to be myself – even if that was over the top, or rambly or boring or just whatever. (There is no reason for this sentence to be in this post)

That’s not to say, I made bad friends- I’ve had a lot of amazing friendships, it wasn’t about people being bad more like bad for me specifically. 

And somehow I suspect that in relationships where I wasn’t getting what I needed, they weren’t either- It’s a two way street in a shitty city.

Okay, I’ve found my train of thought again. Basically, what I’m saying is, in order to build the self belief I need to move forward and in order to have the healthy relationships I so crave, I need to learn to let the shit go- the stuff I don’t know and can’t know. It’s impossible to know everything, every thought process, every variable. It’s impossible to stop people talking about you or hating you. It’s impossible to always know why something didn’t work out and most of the time, it’s a combination of so many things, it’s impossible to pull those things apart.

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The thing is if I get stuck on wondering what’s going on in everyone else’s head, I don’t have space to fill my head with affirmations like “you can do it” “you are better than average at some things”- Let me tell you something incredibly sad- I don’t even really feel like a failure because it’s almost like to feel likeI failed, I needed to be hope that I would succeed and I’ve never really had that concrete hope- obviously I’ve said things like “I need to have money” and “I can so do this job”, but I haven’t ever really believed in my ability to determine the course of my life. I haven’t been able to visualise myself as the one that impossibly good things happen to- it’s so much easier to think of a process and focus on that because if you ask me, what do you think you can achieve? What do you think is possible?

 Here’s the truth? I don’t know.

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The Vulnerability Hangover

The Vulnerability Hangover

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illustration from one of those free for all use websites - changed skin and hair colour.

The other day, I posted details of my vision board party aka the first ever event, whatdamidid as a brand is hosting. I had been talking about having this event for a while, in fact, I had hosted one in my house for some of friends earlier in the year.

One day, my sister pushed me (whether she intended to or not) by announcing it on twitter. I was forced to face my fears and announce it. The thing about fear is it just moulds to new situations, so I announced it, then I had to face the fear that in the end, it would be just me and one other person and I would have to face that fact that my event was a failure. I refreshed my email for payment invoices that weren’t coming and considered announcing that “by the way, I’m not making money from this, I’m just passionate about helping people discover and set goals”- then I realised I was being crazy and didn’t do that. I called my cousin and I talked to my husband and they assured me with their blind unfounded belief that it would all be fine.

I don’t know whether it’s going to be fine. It might flop. It might be the biggest disaster ever. I might lose a ton of money and it might dent my confidence, but the most important thing is, I’m doing it.

I started writing this post actually, to talk about how that act of putting myself out there, made me unable to post. I found myself slipping back into the hole I’ve constantly slipped back to in all the time i’ve had this blog. It is not for a lack of motivation that I don’t write, I have a lot of written and unpublished posts. It is giving in to that crippling anxiety that you have somehow embarrassed yourself by trying. You have shown that you care about something, about many things. You have put yourself out there and haven’t won. You have written and noone has read. You have spoken and no-one has listened. In a way, isn’t that freeing?

If no-one cares, then why not write? why not post? What’s the worst that can happen?

If only one person comes, maybe that’s an opportunity to bond or maybe it just means you failed this one time and there’s no lesson to be learnt. At least you know. At least you can move on mentally and do something else. At least you tried.

I no longer aim for success, because in a way, you can’t control outcomes, all you can control is effort, as long as I can make the effort, I am proud of myself. That has meant i’ve gone from being proud like once or twice a year to being proud almost daily. It hasn’t made me more successful, but it has made me happier, and I think being happy more often, that’s enough, for now.

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I’m back, I think

the lazy perfectionist who doesn’t ever get to live their dream life