Where do you get your books?

Nothing in this post is in anyway sponsored.

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I get asked this question fairly often, so I’m hoping this will be a handy resource to send out. There are two main options for how I get my books:

  1. Buy them

  2. Get advance reader copies (ARC)

However, these are the options I’m going to recommend

  1. Subscription services

  2. Second hand books

  3. Advanced reader copies

  4. Buy them

The reason I don’t use a lot of subscription services is that I like to read books as close to their release date as possible. It’s like watching a show when it first comes out. I don’t always do that because I can’t read an unlimited number of books but I would usually get books on (or before) their release date. I actually track book release dates, which sounds intense, but it’s just what I like. I also mostly read digital books because that’s how I prefer to read. If I’m on screens all day (like most of us are), I would rather read like that. I know for a lot of people, it’s the opposite, and whatever rocks your boat. I also don’t listen to audiobooks because I feel like it interrupts my interpretation of the story, but also, my attention span isn’t great for audio content.

So without further ado:

Amazon

By far by most used service which is why links in my posts about books are usually amazon links. (Guys, I’m about to get kicked out of the amazon affiliate program because I haven’t generated the minimum spend and I know y’all be buying the books I recommend so use my links so I can buy more books).

Anyway, yes, I use amazon. I own a kindle and have the kindle app on all my devices. You can also read your kindle purchases in your browser, so there is no shortage of ways you can read the books you get through amazon. Now amazon has two book subcription services. The first is amazon prime. Your prime membership also includes a free reading subscription of some books and magazines. I don’t use this because the section isn’t great. They also have kindle unlimited, which has a better selection and also has a lot of self published books which is good for fantasy readers.

If you add books to your amazon Wishlist, they tell you when prices drop and book prices change a lot, so if you can wait, then wait for the price to drop and then you can buy it at a price that’s closer to your budget.

And for people that like physical books, they deliver to Nigeria but I know we have bookstores like Roving Heights that deliver nation-wide. If you live anywhere but here, there’s no shortage of book stores.

Second hand books

in Nigeria, Lagos Island has a lot of used bookstores. If you live somewhere with charity shops, that tends to be a good place to get books.

Scribd

a book subscription service that has audiobooks. Their audiobook selection is actually really good and current. Their book selection is good but isn’t always as current as their audiobook section. The scribd app is all encompassing, so it’s a reading app as well as a browsing app. You can read offline etc. They have a free trial period, so it’s worth trying out to get a feel for their book selection.

Netgalley

This is a website for advanced reader copies and where I get most of mine. Anyone can sign up and I like how easy to use it is. When you sign up and create a profile, you can browse the books and make requests ro publishers. Obviously your profile should be well written because that’s most of what approvals are based on. If approved, the book will be sent to a reading app you would have linked at sign up (the kindle app is one that you can use).

Edelweiss

Another website for advanced reader copies but I honestly hate how it’s laid out and looks and find it more difficult to use than netgalley. Sometimes when publishers send me advanced reader copies, they want me to claim through edelweiss and I just hate the process.

Sometimes, publishers send me books directly which I would usually have to claim through netgalley or edelweiss. I prefer to use netgalley and request things I’m actually interested in.

A Nigerian e-book site I’ve used is okadabooks. I’ve used it like twice so I can’t say too much about it, but including it if you want to check it out.

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How to deal with anxiety

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It was only a few years ago that I realised that not everyone lives with anxiety. Not everyone has a crushing unidenitifiable fear of everything/anything that stops them from being able to act. Anxiety for me feels like someone sitting on my chest- it’s the inability to make myself do the simplest things like fill a form because I’m worried about some unidentifiable fear of what the form will lead to. If you are reading this now and realising that you may have anxiety, you’re not alone. Anxiety is one of those things that everyone thinks they have. Everyone feels anxious sometimes, but not everyone has anxiety.

These things won’t cure your anxiety, but one or a combination might help you to feel better, for an hour, a day or longer and honestly, when you’re in the depths of a crushing anxiety attack, any little help goes a long way.

Limit the source of anxiety

Reading every single headline/ report/ think piece/ tweet updating you on the very thing that’s causing you anxiety is not a good idea. Limit what you can. If you don’t use social media for work, consider stepping back- if you do, consider putting filters and mute words in place. You don’t need to see everything.

Develop a routine

When you’re stuck at home, taking a break from routine can sound like the most freeing thing in the world, but a routine establishes some sort of order in your mind and goes a long way in controlling anxiety. It doesn’t have to be a crazy routine- you dont have to wake up at 4am and wear a suit the whole day. It can be as simple as waking up in the same time frame, always making a coffee when you wake up, always eating the same breakfast, always working from the same couch position etc. A routine is anything you repeatedly do- it doesn’t have to be something draconian.

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Journal your feelings

Journalling is one of those things that everyone tells you is good for you but you can never seem to bring yourself to do. You don’t need a special notebook, you don’t need to light a candle, it doesn’t have to be in the morning. It can be in the notes app in your phone, you can send a message to yourself on your phone, you can write it on a random piece of paper. the goal is to get the thoughts out of your head and somewhere. Most times, anxiety comes from a place we can’t pinpoint and that can feel overwhelming, but writing it down (most times you don’t even know where it’s from before you write it down) makes you see exactly what it is. You’d be shocked that your anxiety is from something that’s easy to fix and even when it isn’t, it can give you some calm, however temporary.

Pay attention to your diet

For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time sleeping through the night. Being able to sleep better is probably the biggest perk of married for me, because my husband’s presence is calming for me, and my sleep is generally better. Over time, I’ve tried a ridiculous number of diets. The ones that had a biggest impact on my sleep were magnesium supplements, fasting, and any diet that limits carbs/sugar. I say this long thing to say, just pay attention to how your diet affects your moods, your anxiety and things that exacerbate anxiety like lack of sleep.

Workout

The only workout that has ever given me endorphins to the extent that it calmed my anxiety is running, so I’m including it in case it’s something you want to try. There are so many workouts to try that may have the same effect- walking, yoga, pilates- try different workouts and see what works for you.

Meditation

The one thing meditation does is teaches you to be present and to really hear yourself think. It can be hard to get into if it’s not something that you naturally do but over time, it’s worth it. Start as simply as possible, with a five minute app meditation. Try and do it at roughly the same time everyday and overtime, it will become something you can do when you need to.

What are the things that help you with your mental health?




Shows like Greys Anatomy (just joking, the only similarities are that these shows are also set in a hospital)

New Amsterdam

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I love this show so much and I think what makes this show so great to watch is the characters. The cast is great and everyone’s personality/ storyline is fully formed. From the first episode, you get a good grasp of who each character is and as the show progresses, those characters change in many ways but they always stay true to the core of their character. There is also way less blood than Grey’s anatomy and the speeches aren’t as speechy. If you try it because of this post, message me and let me know what you think (yes even if you hate it). I’m dying to tell you the characters and plot lines I love most, but I don’t even want to give a single spoiler.

The Good Doctor

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An American show copied from an award winning South Korean show of the same name (they bought the rights but still) about an autistic doctor, Shaun, trying to become a surgeon. The first season was very strong, fell off a bit in the second season, but it’s back on form. It’s nice to see how much Shaun develops as a person throughout the show.

The Resident

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A show about good doctors in a bad system trying to figure out how to circumvent the system for the benefit of their patients. There’s a Nigerian doctor in the cast and the intern assigned to her back story definitely did a botched job, but it’s fine. The first two seasons are the strongest, so it’s worth watching.

Carol’s Second Act

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This is a show about a 50 year old retired teacher who re-trained as a doctor and is now an intern in a hospital. It’s a sitcom but it’s fun to watch even though it isn’t always funny.

I’ve recently started even more medical tv shows if you can believe it, but I haven’t watched enough of any new one to add them to the list. There are also some that were really good but got cancelled after one or two seasons. It’s crazy how many of these I watch. If you have any recommendations, leave them in the comments below!


The 4 books I read in February 2020

It Sounded Better In My Head - When her two best friends start dating, Natalie is suddenly a third wheel, but she’s also taken aback because she kind of thought she and Zach would always end up together. On top of that, her parents are getting divorced and seem to be taking it too well. The story follows Natalie trying to work through everything that seems to be falling apart and figuring out how to enjoy her final high school year without blowing up her life any further.

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Black Sunday- when their parents abandon them with their grandmother in search of different lives, they each have to find their own way to cope and create their own lives. This story follows each child in alternating chapters till they grow up. It’s set in a fictional but realistic Lagos.

A Particular Kind of Black Man- When Tunde’s mum leaves he and his brother in America in a midwestern town, it begins and adventure that includes moving every couple of months and starting over. Tunde starts to lose grasp on reality, often living a thought and remembering things that never happened. As he loses grip on his thoughts and memories, he decides to take a trip to Nigeria to visit his mother who suffered from mental health issues as well. The book read like a memoir and was a different kind of storytelling. Like The Millions Lives of Neena Gill, it puts you in the mind of Tunde, which means you start to doubt everything in the story too.

The Right Swipe- when Rhiannon runs into the guy that ghosted her at an app event, her first instinct is to put her guard up and ignore everything he has to say. Their work for rival dating apps throws them together and soon, she’s willing to accept that he’s more than the jerk she assumed him to be. It wasn’t as engaging as I expected because it tried to address too many issues in sub plots and be as diverse as possible which just ended up distracting from the romance. However, it was still an enjoyable read.


What it's Like to be Vegan in Nigeria

I found a draft of my vegan journey and even though I did this in 2018, I realised that some of the lessons I learnt are still useful. I’m going to leave the draft untouched in italics below and continue after.

I didn't want to start off the year with the pressure to lose weight so when someone I know suggested vegan January, I jumped at the chance. More fruit and veg and real food in my diet? yes. There's this misconception that vegans can't eat anything- hahaha. They can. Bruh, I might actually put on weight on this thing they way things are looking. 

Examples of things that are vegan that really just make me stressed

Smarties- what?

oreos- this is the most common one and i think everyone knows this

hobnobs

pringles

ritz crackers

noodles

dry pasta

omo- the list goes on.

Things that should be vegan and often aren't 

orange juice

wine

sugar 

palm oil

So yeah anyway, I'm in for a carby ride.  To fully prepare, I went on a massive shopping trip, which on reflection was largely unnecessary. Stocked up on nut milks for my lattes, pasta sauces and chilli sauces. I'm not going to be vegan AND stress myself cooking everything from scratch. Ironically, I kept fresh fruit and veg to a minimum because I dont like having tons of stuff that can go off in the fridge staring at me. 

The biggest revelation was all the SNACKS! Bruh, being vegan is a snackers paradise- might really have to do no sugar February after this- hmmm, thats actually not a bad idea. 

Anyway, wish me luck, off to nap after eating garlic chilli noodles.

I made a vegan birthday cake for my husband (boyfriend at the time). I make vegan cakes all the time because it’s good for a lot of intolerances (dairy, egg etc)

I made a vegan birthday cake for my husband (boyfriend at the time). I make vegan cakes all the time because it’s good for a lot of intolerances (dairy, egg etc)

Okay so now we are here in 2020 and thank God for the Apple update that makes it possible to search your phone by date because I have 21,733 photos and would never have been able to find photos from January 2018.

When I look back on my journey, it was obvious that I decided to do this on a whim. If I were to do it now, I would eat completely different foods and approach it differently. I had to stop after 24 days because I couldn’t breathe properly, I felt like I constantly had a weight on my chest. I did go to the hospital and they said nothing was wrong, but I still couldn’t breathe so I stopped. I did try to eat fortified foods and supplement as much as possible, but I was eating a lot of low nutrient foods and I’m anaemic, so it honestly wasn’t the best combination.

Here’s a summary of stuff that I found

  • My skin was kind of glowy. I sent a photo to my friend and she thought I was showing her a new highlighter. The only other time I got good skin from a diet was when I gave up sugar completely in all forms. This wasn’t skin on that level but it was pretty good.

  • I never felt full no matter what I ate- I did feel satisfied but never stuffed and sometimes I ate a ton of rice. I guess because of how simple carbs (which sadly, is the bulk of what I ate) are used by the body, it’s harder to feel stuffed.

  • I craved vegetables. My first meal post vegan was a vegetarian pizza with A LOT of vegetables and a salad.

  • My appetite shrunk a lot

Places I ate at

  • Samantha’s bistro (does it even still exist?) had a really really good veggie burger- they claimed it had no animal products but I didn’t investigate too thoroughly because I wanted to eat it.

  • Craft Gourmet was a place I used to go to a lot at the time so it made sense that I tried being vegan there. The options were fewer than I expected- lots of vegetarian options though.

  • Sharwarma & Co was the surprising one! They have a couple of vegan wraps and they are delicious!

  • I also did things like buy plain salads and add them to plain white rice to make a “burrito bowl”.

I would hundred percent do it again if I needed to or if I became vegan for ethical reasons and I think it’s very doable in Lagos. I’m sure with eating out, things may have had stock cubes that weren’t vegan etc, so it would have been a completely different experience if I approached it from an ethical standpoint. I probably wouldn’t have risked eating cooked food at non-vegan restaurants. I stayed strictly on the side of “contains no animal products as far as I can see and am told.




2020 Goals- February Update

Wow. 2 months down already! I started the year with such a blaze of energy that I was really surprised when February rolled round and I was hit with a wave of exhaustion and overwhelmingness that refused to shift the whole month. I could not motivate myself to do anything, I couldn’t focus, I woke up a lot in the middle of the night and tried to calm myself back to sleep, I barely spoke to or saw my friends and/or family- I just felt drained. Luckily, by the end of Feb, stuff started to pick back up and I hope that new energy lasts all March.

Health and Fitness

Run a 10k and a half marathon- well, well well, I walked a 10k, so that’s…something. I still don’t know what half marathon I’m doing and I’m definitely going to start specific training this week.

Walking- Still walking, still boring (although when I have a particularly interesting Netflix episode to watch, I just walk through it).

Learn how to do a pushup- So I started this and realised my core and arms are weak! Starting the push up training definitely improved the focus of my workouts.

Get a full health work up- no comment (but basically haven’t done this or made any plans to do it)

Eat more protein- I definitely am doing a lot better on this but there was like a week where I was so tired of thinking of protein, I just didn’t. It definitely takes conscious effort to meet my protein goals. I’ve noticed that sometimes even though I’ve been eating all day, I’m still quite hungry (even when my fibre levels were great) and it occurred to me that low protein was to blame some of the time. I think this is something I will have to continually work on all year.

I went to the gym 16 times this month which was 6 times more than January, so yay!

Career

I want to pass on updating this, but I’m sure a couple of months later, I will wish I did. This is still non existent- I’m tired of talking about it, I’m tired of thinking about it. Someone asked why I don’t illustrate more and honestly, doing creative things for profit takes so much mental energy, I feel like it may drive me insane. I’m going to pause on thinking for what I want to get out of this in March and throw my energy into other areas of my life because I need a mental break.

Love

Work on giving with no expectations- I really didn’t have a lot to give this month- You can’t pour from an empty cup, blablabla.

Say yes to attending things

I did say yes, in spite of how I felt, so go me.

Get rid of as much clutter as I can- lol.

In summary, March can only be better.

 Where are you on your goals/resolutions?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the 11 books i read in january 2020

Every Reason We Shouldn’t – enjoyable and well rounded read. Romantic YA (Young Adult) novels tend to focus on romance and nothing else, this was an exception. The characters, their voices and actions were well formed and there was a good balance between showing and telling motivations. I was sad for this fictional world to end.

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 Would Like to meet- I enjoyed this way more than I expected to. Evie with a promotion on the line, agrees to re-enact meet cute situations to inspire a scriptwriter at her agency to finish his rom com script. Cue clumsy romance scenarios and multiple love interests.

 Before and After the Book Deal: a writer’s Guide to finishing, publishing, promoting and surviving your first book- as someone that is on a journey to acquiring a book deal, this was on my must read for the year and it was well written and easy to read. If you’re someone that loves to research, most of the information is pretty available online, but something like this pulls all the important stuff into one place.

Loveboat, Taipei- Ever is sent to a summer camp in Taiwan for fellow foreign students to learn more about their home country. The camp ends up being more fun and drama than she expected and allows her to explore herself away from her parents.

I’m Not Dying With You Tonight- a white and black high school student get stuck finding their way home together during police riots. During their journey home, they find out more about each others lives and points of view and examine previously held prejudices. I usually avoid plots that take place in a short time frame because I tend to find it repetitive and long winded, but it actually worked here and was a quick easy read.

From the Desk of Zoe Washington- when Zoe opens a letter addressed to her that she isn’t supposed to have, she finds that its from her father in jail. Knowing her parents wouldn’t allow her to speak to him, she starts a secret correspondence with hum and leafs to her finding out complicated information.

The Fitness Chef: Eat What You Like & Lose Weight For Life- if you follow Graeme on instagram, this book is basically a reprise of his instragram and doesn’t really say much else that’s new. I think the “lose weight for life” is a bit of a marketing gimmick because what does that even mean, but he talks about energy balance and encourages

Not so pure and Simple- when Del feels like he may miss an opportunity to finally get with his long term crush, Kiera, he enters a purity pledge at church to be closer to her. What follows is his examination of friendship, sexuality, faith and family.

What I carry- this is a look at the American foster care system from a different perspective. With only one year left in foster care, Muir has learnt to not form attachments, or roots and to only own what she can carry in her suitcase. Her final placement leads her to people that are life changing which upsets her idea of everything she has fought so hard to believe. While it was nice to read a different perspective of foster care (the author adopted a daughter that was previously in foster care), the story fell a bit flat in places and the character motivations were kind of flat. It was a quick, don’t want to think too much kind of read.

The million pieces of Neena Gill- this was a very hard read because it was told from the point of view of someone that was experiencing psychosis after the disappearance of her brother- the unreliable narration, the way incidents were skewed, the flawed relationships- it was very well done, but I felt like I needed a break after because of the intensity.

Nothing to see here- When Madison invites her old school friend to babysit her step kids, Lilian jumps at the offer because she has nothing else going on. What she doesn’t expect is that the twins sometimes burst into flames. The books explores the relationship between Lilian and the twins as she learns about them and tries to control the fire.

Netflix Love is Blind is a whole mess and we are all obsessed with it

Netflix love is blind poster

When Netflix first announced Love is Blind, my mind went to Dating in the Dark and the Circle. When it launched, what I got was more “90 Day Fiance”. I’m really curious about why Americans love these sorts of “experiments”? When the UK tried to do Married at First Sight, it was a lot of people being disgusted at the altar but American shows seem to thrive off this dynamic?

The show starts with the hosts explaining how it works- it’s pretty much blind dating (emphasis on the blind) that can lead to an engagement and then marriage. I wonder who picks and buys the rings? Does the show supply them? Also, apparently, 8 couples got engaged but the show only followed 6, which is kind of sad.

So they enter pods and start dating. I was watching lazily at first until I heard Lauren say “I love you” after like two days of talking to Cameron. I screamed when he said it back and neither of them seemed to be joking! Lauren said it best when she said “I have food in my fridge that has been there longer than I’ve known him”- exactly girl.

Lauren and Camron are the least of our problems- Barnett (who thought Diamond was a stripper off her name alone) is juggling three girls. They may not be able to see him but they definitely feel his frat boy- unserious- will hundred- percent -be- bad- for- you energy and they are loving it. His favourite seems to be Jessica, but she’s also juggling Mark. Maybe it’s because Mark is 24 or she’s going back to a shared house with two other girls interested in Barnett, but Jessica gives Mark the “it’s not really me and it’s not really you, but I’m out of here” and she’s all set to tell Barnett he’s her number one! But again, Barnett, right on form, is suddenly confused even though he told Jessica she was top runner. She flies into a fit and leaves him alone in his pod with his words hanging from his mouth but then she goes back to the house to try to convince the other girls that like him to leave him alone- obviously, they are looking at her like ??? That’s just one less person to compete with.

Jessica goes back to Mark with her tail between her legs and he happily takes her back seeing as he didn’t have any other options and he really wants to prove that he’s the one for her.

Diamond and Carlton both share really deep experiences with each other and end up engaged, so do Kelly and Kenny (who we know basically nothing about) Giannina and Damien, Barnett and Amber, Jessica and Mark and Lauren and Cameron.

When the couples meet each other, they all seem fairly happy. Damien and Amber are happier than anyone else- It’s safe to say that in the real world, they often date people that fall below that bar. It’s interesting to me that Amber says that she struggles to date in the real world because she’s too attractive? And then it’s impossible for people to see past that but her relationship with Barnett hinges on that physical connection.

Also, there seems to be a standard level of attractiveness throughout the cast. Everyone is kind of in the generally accepted realms of attractive. I’m curious about that casting choice- maybe Netflix didn’t want discussions to be focused on looks and more on the couples and it seems to have worked.

On the first night in a Mexican resort, 3 couples proceed to have sex. Giannina is ready to go for it, after a dry spell of over a year - Lauren and Cameron already seem married and are so sweet about it and Amber and Barnett- duh.

You can immediately tell that Jessica is slightly repulsed by Mark and she quickly shuts down any talk of physical activities. Kelly also does the same.

Diamond and Carlton aren’t even at that point, because he’s too busy being rude and a bit aggressive. Because they’ve bonded in the pods, she identifies that something is wrong and pushes him to talk about it. His secret is that he’s bisexual. Diamond is taken aback on two fronts- one, that his sexuality is different to what she thought and two that their honest bond wasn’t as honest as she assumed. As he bursts into tears, she comforts him by rubbing his back but also says that she needs to think about what it means.

In the end, we never get to hear Diamond’s thoughts because Carlton bullies her out of having thoughts and feelings and without enjoying the resort paradise, they go their separate ways.

And now there were 5. Now all the couples meet for the first time. Jessica is instantly attracted to Barnett and Amber is holding on tight. Kelly is randomly talking about Cameron being attractive and I’m kind of like - chill babe, he’s not here for you. Jessica has picked up on the physical vibes between Barnett and Amber and you can see her playing her + Barnett in her head (he on the other hand doesn’t seem at all interested). Then she hit us with “if I had coupled up with Barnett, you would be seeing a more sophisticated, more mature Barnett”. She can’t stop talking about this guy and Mark is getting more and more desperate to hold on. In the end, she reneges on the engagement but still wants to try and see where their relationship goes?

Jessica is quickly becoming the villain of the series. It is clear that she doesn’t like Mark- not as a friend, not as a colleague and definitely not as a person to marry. I don’t know what her motivations are yet, but hopefully, they will become clearer.

And I almost forgot about Giannina and Damien. He put his job in jeopardy to come on the show? I definitely feel like there’s a lot that he’s hiding and I can’t wait for his truth to come out because she has been nothing but honest and upfront and I think she deserves at least that back.

As it stands now, the only couple I can see getting married is Lauren and Cameron, I’m even happy for them that they came on the show because they seem to have gotten the most out of the experience. I just don’t see any of the others making it to the altar?

What are your thoughts on the show and the couples?

An Incredibly confusing post that hopefully someone else can relate to

My most complimented attribute is how much I put myself out there- it’s inspiring, people are jealous of it, it’s the one thing I hear more than anything else and yet, it’s like the bane of my existence. 

 A friend of mine said a few weeks ago that she would like to work on our friendship. That led me down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out if something was wrong , how it went wrong, my role in it and if there was a way to fix it. That then led me down a different rabbit hole of thinking about my relationships, my self confidence and self belief. 

I have no self-belief. I am more concerned about what other people think than I realise. Those are two separate things that are both true. Those things are connected by my choice of relationships.

From a young age, people/ media/ everything and everyone gives you the cues about the markers for a good romantic relationship but all other relationships are the wild wild west. As I grew older, I was able to fashion my own set of standards for romantic relationships and got better at picking romantic partners. The rest of it was the wild wild west. 

I’ve always been too something- too loud, too talkative, too much of a thinker, too intense, too emotional, too bad- and all of that left me with a very confusing and also negative picture of myself. I constantly sought out people who affirmed those negative things, even though it took me many more years to realise that. That meant that I was myself to only myself. Everyone else around me thought of me as too something and that was my kind of comfort zone. Sometimes I even leaned into those characterisations of myself. 

Most of why I started blogging was having a space to be myself – even if that was over the top, or rambly or boring or just whatever. (There is no reason for this sentence to be in this post)

That’s not to say, I made bad friends- I’ve had a lot of amazing friendships, it wasn’t about people being bad more like bad for me specifically. 

And somehow I suspect that in relationships where I wasn’t getting what I needed, they weren’t either- It’s a two way street in a shitty city.

Okay, I’ve found my train of thought again. Basically, what I’m saying is, in order to build the self belief I need to move forward and in order to have the healthy relationships I so crave, I need to learn to let the shit go- the stuff I don’t know and can’t know. It’s impossible to know everything, every thought process, every variable. It’s impossible to stop people talking about you or hating you. It’s impossible to always know why something didn’t work out and most of the time, it’s a combination of so many things, it’s impossible to pull those things apart.

The thing is if I get stuck on wondering what’s going on in everyone else’s head, I don’t have space to fill my head with affirmations like “you can do it” “you are better than average at some things”- Let me tell you something incredibly sad- I don’t even really feel like a failure because it’s almost like to feel likeI failed, I needed to be hope that I would succeed and I’ve never really had that concrete hope- obviously I’ve said things like “I need to have money” and “I can so do this job”, but I haven’t ever really believed in my ability to determine the course of my life. I haven’t been able to visualise myself as the one that impossibly good things happen to- it’s so much easier to think of a process and focus on that because if you ask me, what do you think you can achieve? What do you think is possible?

 Here’s the truth? I don’t know.

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The Vulnerability Hangover

2020 Goals- January Update

Early in the year, I wrote a post listing out my broad goals for the year. I thought it was about time I moved from my childhood resolutions of “fluent in French and lose 20 dress sizes” into actual goals that I could refer to and work on without being a superhero.

As the month comes to an end, I’ve decided to kind of see where I’m at in these goals so that I kind of have a clearer picture going forward. I would like to do these check ins once a month so I can see how well I’ve done in turning the goalsinto actionable things and how the goals evolve over the course of the year.

Health and Fitness

Run a 10k and a half marathon- well, well well, this is off to a not great start. After procrastinating 10k training, it was two weeks to it and I knew I would physically be incapable of doing it so that’s out the window. I could have walked it, I could have tried anyway etc etc, but I just wasn’t willing to jeopardise my consistency and practical approach to run the 10k so in the end, you win some and lose some.

I also haven’t signed up for the half marathon yet, but that’s something on my to-do for the week.

I have gone to the gym 10 times this month, which is probably more times than I went in total last year (wow). Most of those times have been in the last two weeks, so I’m only really just started to get into a routine.

Walking- with a goal to start running on the treadmill, I started by walking for an hour everyday. It is boring and it is sometimes long but I’m definitely already adjusting to the feeling of being on a treadmill (no hands, yay) and I’ve moved on to incline intervals.

Learn how to do a pushup- this is something I’m probably not going to worry about for the next few months.

Get a full health work up- no comment (but basically haven’t done this or made any plans to do it)

Eat more protein- so in order to see how much protein I usually eat, Ive been tracking my meals, and it’s been a dire situation, wow. I’ve started to supplement with some protein shake powder that has been languishing in my kitchen cupboards (don’t worry, it’s within the use by date) and generally trying to rework my meals in a way that there’s enough protein. I also started adding collagen peptides to my shakes and that’s pure protein which is a happy accident because I didn’t buy it for protein sake. I even swapped greek yoghurt brands for protein sake! I started the month on like 30g per day and I’m now up to 70-80g a day. The goal is somewhere around 120g a day so a ways to go still, but on the right track.

I really wonder how so little protein had affected my satiety levels and so on. I really think February will be the month where I’m hitting those protein levels consistently.

Career

This is one that’s as usual, harder than I expected it to be. My standard fear and self doubt kicked in and actually threatens to undo all the progress I’ve made pushing through to finish my first novel manuscript, write more etc. However, I’m hoping to have my manuscript ready for submission by the first week of March and really up the ante there.

As for that communications job, I implore the universe to send it to me, because I’m not going to lie, I am exhausted by job hunting.

Love

Work on giving with no expectations- I am happy with how I’ve given this month but can also see that there’s a lot of room for improvement. And reflecting on this point, I don’t tend to give with expectations anyway, I’m just not very giving in general. So I think this is more a case of giving more in general. Not just things, but myself etc.

Say yes to attending things

I cant really say where I am on this, but I feel like I’ve been very “yes, give me a time and place” recently. I’ve definitely met up with quite a few people this month, so it’s a step in the right direction.

Get rid of as much clutter as I can- I honestly consider this at least once a day and then do nothing. I really have to break down what I need to get rid of and get to work. I think this would work best if I break it down to the barest minimum and start from there.

In summary, generally, I’m happy with how the month has gone. I didn’t really want to start the year with too many things on my plate, so I basically ignored all the numerous things I put on my plate, and am picking them up one by one. Old me would be dying at how little I’ve achieved this month on paper, but new me can see movement which is my main goal for the year. I want to keep moving forward, even when progress is slow. I’ve tried for years to do everything at the same time- to set impossible goals and it hasn’t worked. I’m trying something different and there is movement and that’s what I’m focusing on.

 Where are you on your goals/resolutions?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your self-care manifesto for 2020

This year as self- care, we are not restricting it to over the top behaviour that yields only temporary rewards. Self care should feed into your present and future self. It’s not just getting drunk on a weekday night and being unable to concentrate at work the next day or splurging on the dress you know you can’t afford, or ignoring the sound on your car and buying a bottle just because or only eating the most expensive and calorific foods or booking a series of spa days with the money you were saving for something else.

Listen, we are balancing. We are loving ourselves. We are doing self care differently- we are buying better groceries and learning how to make the things we love to eat- we are investing in daily skincare that works for us, we are finding exercise that we love and stopping the ones we hate (bye burpees).

We are paying off debt and getting our health checks. We are loving people that can love us back and cutting off the people that constantly make us feel bad about ourselves. We are eating stuff that makes us feel good and not just masking our feelings and drinking only when we want to- we are not measuring the entirety of our self worth with only one thing.

We are speaking up for ourselves but picking our battles and making our social media pages safe spaces for ourselves. We are speaking up for people and tracking our thoughts and feelings and our spending habits.

We are apologising wholeheartedly and accepting responsibility when we are wrong. We are examining the generalised hate we were taught and educating ourselves so we can let it go.

We are consuming all the content we love. We are investing in our spaces that we spend most of our time in and doing what we like with our hair.

We are giving genuine compliments and accepting them back graciously. No putting ourselves down.

We are vulnerable, we are honest, we are kind. We are the people we want to be, not the people anyone else expects us to be. 

 We are telling our friends what their strengths are, and supporting their businesses. We are sharing and creating opportunities, showing up on time and dancing if we want to (even if no one else is).

We are making that friend, applying for that opportunity and showing up to places bearing gifts. 

 Most of all, we are reading what Dami did and reminding her that she’s a great gal!

 

 

Three times I shot my friendship shot (and it worked)

I’m a massive advocate of shooting your shot. I’ve done it a million and one times and will do it a million and more. Obviously, since I’m married, my shots are limited to making new friends. (How many times can I get away with writing “shots” in this post?). Anyway these are 3 times I shot my shot my friendship shot online and it worked. I’ve picked three of my friends that I think would be cool with me sharing our stories (I’ll find out for sure after I publish and see if this is going to turn into a story of how posting online lost me friends)

 The year was 2015. I had been following this really cool girl for a while! Eventually, I was like you know what? I want more than a twitter follow relationship so I sent her a DM. This DM breaks my rules for sending DMs – if you send me a DM saying just “hey”, chances are I won’t reply if I don’t know you, so please if you’re DMing me, send the full reason for the DM upfront! Anyway, probably because we have mutual friends and she’s a nicer person than me, she replied and now we are real friends still! 

 

I guess 2015 was a very active year. It’s funny because I remember the story of me and Yvette differently in my head. I always thought I shot my shot, but it was kind of more mutual.. Studio of Mode used to have these movie screenings and I went to one of them by myself. Another friend was there but she was on a date so I was basically hanging alone and someone introduced me and Yvette (I think, can’t really remember). I listened in on a conversation where she talked about a newsletter she ran called “Sade’s list”. It was amazing and she shouldn’t have stopped but anyway. It led to me subscribing and then to her initial email.

She sent me a calendar invite and we met up for breakfast at 9am sharp (neither of us was late heart eyes) on that Saturday and then proceeded to spend the entire day together. Since then she has been such a permanent (and very well integrated) part of my life.

 

The year was 2018. I had been following Lolli since uni when she was a blogger. When she stopped blogging, I still followed her on Instagram and from 2017, we had a bit of Instagram back and forth, short conversations about stories she posted etc. She lived in London and one time when I was there, I decided “fuck it” and sent her a message. Looking back, my message was so very weird and random af, but hey it worked! We met up for brunch, then traipsed around London, met up with a friend of hers, bumped into a celebrity, took tons of photos of each other, stumbled on a carnival and went home. We met up again briefly that week and then she went on holiday and I left by the time she came back. Since then, I’ve seen her a couple of times when she’s been in Lagos. She moved as well, so we are much further apart but we talk pretty often and last year, we did vision boards together and she was with me till midnight when it was officially my birthday. It’s crazy that I followed this babe online for like 10 years and one message later, we are now friends!

 Here are my tips for shooting your shot! 

 1.     Try and establish some kind of relationship beforehand, interact with their content, etc, so they kind of know who you are before you just go straight to “lets be friends”

2.     Keep your message short and go straight to the point

3.     Don’t be like me and say “I’m safe” because that obviously means you’re a serial killer

 Comment and tell me when you shot your shot!  

30 Things I've learnt from 30

illustration by @whatdamidid

The age 30 is sold as this monumental life changing age. When I turned 30, I had been married for a week and unemployed for a year. My amazing friend and my partner threw me the surprise party OF MY DREAMS. Then we went on a midnight boat ride and it was a really perfect way to enter 30. Four months in, I was STILL unemployed (which I still am) and my mum died. I was already feeling rootless and stressed and now I was grieving. The rest of 30 was filled with grief, rejection, close relationships falling apart and me shouting internally “why can’t I catch a break?”. Those are really the perfect conditions for learning lessons and I’m going to share some of them with you. I also discussed something similar in my podcast. Anyway, here we go.

1.    Friendships come and go- it’s okay if it goes, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it.

2.    It's okay to do nothing- you don’t have to always be busy. Taking a break doesn’t always mean slowing down, sometimes it means doing nothing.

3.    It's okay for your plans to change- even if you’ve had those plans for a very long time.

4.    You're never too old to grieve- grief is no respecter of age, pain is till pain.

5.    You're never too old to start again- it doesn’t matter if it looks like everyone else is young- live the one life you hav.

6.    Supplements work- take a multivitamin. You’re 99.2 percent not getting everything you need from your diet. Sometimes you can’t sleep because you’re deficient in magnesium, sometimes you’re tired because you’re low on iron.

7.    It's easier to control yourself than try to control everyone else- when things get hard and someone isn’t listening, focus on what you can do, not what the other person should.

8.    You can regret a workout- don’t workout when you’re sick or injured- don’t workout just because you hate yourself that day or you’re trying to “earn” a meal.

9.    Overdressed or under dressed are concepts that you can define for yourself.

10. You will sometimes dislike your partner- they are not perfect, because they are human.

11. You can find vegetables you like- and they don’t have to be green.

12. Speak up for yourself- even if your voice shakes..

13. but pick your battles- sometimes it’s not worth it, before you start the battle, ask yourself how much you care about the outcome.

14. study yourself- self reflect often- you don’t always have to have a journal to journal, write in your notes app- it doesn’t exist only for celebrity apologies, send a text to yourself, send an email- think about your thoughts and actions and desires often.

15. It's okay to change your mind- about your thoughts, feelings, beliefs- it might seem like everyone is already woke, but it takes time to develop your thoughts and ideas on lots of things and that might mean changing your mind often, it’s okay.

illustration by @whatdamidid

16. Money ebbs and flows- except you’re like the 0.1 wealthiest, then I don’t know how money works for you, but please enjoy!

17. You're allowed to walk away from people- yes, even family.

18. Don't hate follow anyone- if everytime someone posts on social media, it irritates you, unfollow them and protect your mental space

19. Buy the best stuff you can afford- it will make your life so much better

20. People owe you things – and you owe people things- it is impossible to exist without expecting things or owing things.

21. So much of life is random- when it’s hitting you hard in the face, it’s hard not to take it personally, but try.

22. You can’t spend your whole life hating your current body- if you can’t love it, accept it- even if you still plan to change it- accept it today.

23. It’s okay for your hobby to not turn into a business.

24. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy your job but you like other parts of going to work- even if its just the money.

25. Every big decision feels monumental at the time but eventually, it becomes very minor – remember that if you want to end your marriage or quit your job or change your course.

26. You cannot prevent people from hating you or gossiping about you, and no matter how good you are, it will happen, so live your life freely and happily.

27. Ask.

28. Just because you’re open about your life doesn’t make you a fool- there is nothing special about being secretive. 

29. When someone tells you that you hurt them, your first instinct will be to be defensive, pause, ask for some time and think about what they said. It makes a world of difference. Hurting someone doesn’t automatically make you a bad person.

30. Relationships are built on a series of small actions, so send that text, reply to that Instagram post, meet up for coffee or lunch, pay a visit, don’t wait until birthdays or you’ll look back in a few years and have no friends. 

TV I’m looking forward to in January 2020

I have a very specific taste in tv shows (some people describe it as bad, I describe it as life is short and I like to be entertained, not intellectually stimulated). It’s very hard to find shows I really like, so when I find shows I like, I cling through the ups and downs (that’s a lie, I cut shows off like people cut off people in the new year).

This list is full of stuff I’m excited to come back and there’s only one new show, which is a shame because I watched the trailer of every-new-show-being-released-in-January and there was only one thing I was interested in. Anyway, before my introductory ramble gets as long as food bloggers before their recipes, let’s get into the post.

Shrill

illustration by @whatdamidid

For some reason, I don’t know a lot of people that watched season 1- I really enjoyed the fresh take on self-love and I’m excited season 2 is out on 

Love island (British Version)

Obviously made this poster for my fictional show

Obviously made this poster for my fictional show

The thing about love island is that it’s a great communal show. Last season saw me getting into a groupchat fight that led to me leaving and forming a second and longer lasting Love Island groupchat. It’s exciting to gather round at 9pm everyday and watch real life events happen. I was so immersed in last season, I ended up writing some spoof episodes. I wanted to write a whole season but the show ended and my ginger ended along with it. This is the first season set in South Africa as well although I don’t think that’s going to make a lot of difference because all we see is a villa. This is also the first season where the presenter that dated a 16/17 year old that appeared on a show she hosted, when she was 32, Caroline Flack, would be absent from.

New Amsterdam

What is it with medical shows??? I discovered this show two months ago and ended up watching it all in 2 or 3 days. I was shocked when I got to the last episode. They took a mid season break early and I cant wait for it to come back.

The Bold Type

There was a time where I thought for SURE I was going to end up working at a magazine. One time when I modelled for a magazine I loved, I tried to experience as much of their office and work as possible, I definitely overstayed my welcome. The Bold Type is definitely me living out my magazine work dreams and I’m super excited for season 4.

Kims convenience

This show was a slow grower but I kept going back and I was suddenly obsessed with the Kim family. I’m happy to have them back in my life this month.

Grown-ish

When anyone talks about how bad Grownish is, I make what I hope looks like almost agreeable head movements because I love it and I feel like it keeps getting better and after the cliff hanger of the last episode, I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Sex education

illustration by @whatdamidid

This absolute delightful show is back for a second season this month and I cant wait to devour it.

 Katy keene

Fashion was another industry I was sure I was going to work in (and I did for a few years) and I love seeing people try to “make it” on screen. From what I can see, this show is about people trying to “make it” in different creative fields and the cast is diverse, so I’m kind of ready to dive in.

My goals for January 2020

Hey guys, happy new year! The start of a new year never gets old. While I’m over having New Years eve plans (past my bedtime tbh), the start of a year always feels filled with endless possibilities. This year I’m going to skip resolutions which feel temporary and overwhelming and I would rather aim for things I can control and that I’m already on track to do.

 Health and Fitness

Over the years, I’ve had so many “fitness goals” that boiled down to one thing- lose weight. For the first time in my life, I’m going to do something that feels insane to me- not diet- at all- not once this whole year. I’ve gone on 100s of diets since I was a teenager and it’s just not something I’m interested in doing anymore. So my goals for health and fitness are really about health and fitness for a change and not an euphemism for weight loss.

 Run a 10k and a half marathon- for many years before I moved back to Nigerian I ran all the time. Actually for the first two years after I moved back, I maintained that momentum and eventually stopped entirely- blame the weather, or the fly that entered my mouth, I don’t know what. It’s something I want to start again for the sheer joy of running (you either hate it or love it). The longest distance I’ve ever run is 12 miles which is a little over 19km and close enough to half marathon distance for me to set as a goal. Obviously, I don’t think it would be at the same pace or effortlessness but I think it would be a fun goal to achieve. I plan to run the Access bank 10k and then do a half marathon later in the year.

Walking – I miss walking as a way to just get lost in thought and listen to new music so I’m going to start walking again (on a treadmill)

Learn how to do a push up- honestly, I can’t believe I don’t know how to do this, so I’m going to try and move beyond my modified push ups and learn how to do an actual push up.

Get a full health work up- There are a million reasons why I don’t trust hospitals in Nigeria but it’s no excuse to not get maintenance check ups, including Pap smears and vaccinations.

Eat more protein- protein has never been my jam. I’m a carb girl all the way but I tried tracking my protein intake and it was less than half what is recommended, so I really need to prioritise more protein in my diet.

Career

It boils down to writing. I finished writing my first book last year and I’m currently writing a second one. The goal for the year would be to sign with an agent and/or publisher. I also just generally want to write more anywhere and everywhere - obviously starting with this blog :). Finally, I would love a job in communications with the right salary.

Love

Work on giving with no expectations- this is hard but I honestly want to love my partner, friends and family selflessly

Grow stronger friendship and family bonds- this an extension of my point above

Give gifts- gifts are not my love language tbh (acts of service are my primary love language) and that has made me complacent about giving gifts and I would like to change that because gifts make people feel loved

Say yes to attending things

since I left 9-5, I’ve been holed up at home, sometimes for days at a time and I’m definitely less social, I need to get out more and learn to speak to people again.

Get rid of as much clutter as I can

I want to Marie Kondo my whole life, but slowly. I have to figure out exactly how I want to do that.

What are some of your goals for 2020?

Out of Office

If you miss me while I’m gone, catch up on old posts - If you’ve read every single post I have, you’d deserve a gift in the new year, so email me (i’ll give you a quiz obviously). Have a good break guys, try and relax mentally, that’s the most important part! And remember- January is 200 days long so don’t spend all your money on Christmas presents!

See you in January!!!

The murky world of adult friendship

Do you remember your first break up? Probably. There’s something about those romantic rites of passage that stay with you. Do you remember your first friendship break-up though? Those memories are probably hazier. I remember mine- not the first friendship that ended, but the first person that broke up with me. A guy- let’s call him James. He sent me a long text basically saying “I don’t want to be friends anymore”- and you know what? I got it. I wasn’t always the best friend to him, nor him to me. I suspect some of our relationship was based on ignoring his semi-romantic feelings but also exploiting it as a basis for friendship. It’s hard to say because it’s easy to make things up when you’re looking back. I just know that he sent me a text breaking up with me.

A couple of months ago, I asked people on Instagram to send stories of their friendship break-ups. I got lots of responses, but the thing that stuck out was the confusion of it, no one knew why their friendships ended and no one really wanted it to happen. When you have a falling out with a romantic partner, it’s easy to point to the things that indicate that something is wrong- a day without speaking, an absence of touch- with friendships, it’s so much harder. I sent a message to one of my friends- a long message- explaining that I felt like something was wrong because she had been distant- and she said “I don’t speak to my friends everyday”- and I found it impossible to explain that the distance I was talking about had very little to do with speaking every day. But how do you explain that with no rules around what a friendship should look like?

I feel like you fall in love platonically in the same way you fall in love romantically. I fell in love with one of my friends. It was a friendship I poured my heart and soul into- it’s hard to say if the feeling was the same for her, I never felt like it was but I don’t know what the truth is. As I grow older, friendships are less intense, but I’m also less likely to second guess myself about other people’s feelings. Although we were friends for a good long time, the friendship started to disintegrate slowly- almost impossible to see. Even after we stopped speaking, I felt like maybe eventually, we could be acquaintances of some sort, but then I quickly realised, the way you sometimes realise that your ex has deleted all your pictures and blocked you, that the friendship might well and truly be over. 

 I don’t think I’ve ever been good at friendship; I do feel like I’ve gotten better at it over time or maybe what I’ve gotten better at is accepting myself and therefore my own role in the success and failure of relationships.  It’s something that has always made me pretty insecure- trying to measure the quality of my friendships and by doing that, measure the quality of myself as a person. 

I think in the way that you sometimes pick bad romantic partners based on something that has affected your self-esteem, the same can be true of picking friends. I’ve had friends when I was younger that I know I wouldn’t be friends with at this older age and I can look at myself in some friendships in the past and know that I was pretty shit. For a long time, I used to beat myself up about friendships that didn’t work out, but at the end of the day, it won’t always and that’s fine.

 The other day, I replied to a post that my friend put up and he replied “You always have to make it about you” to me it seemed to come from nowhere, but obviously it came from somewhere. In an ideal world, that would have been the start of a deep conversation that explained the source of his angst, but it’s not an ideal world and it didn’t. Before I had the chance to overthink it, I realised three things:

1.    any reflection would be completely one sided 

2.    we hadn’t had a proper conversation in years and had barely seen each other

3.    any excavation would be pointless if the first two things weren’t addressed first. 

 And I think that’s the thing. There’s an absence of true communication in a lot of adult friendships because it’s embarrassing to put true feelings on the table- jealousy and hurt and all of it. Everyone tells me my feelings are valid in romantic love or even with family, not with friends. I know I’ve felt embarrassed 98 percent of the time when I’ve shared feeling hurt in a friendship and not hurt by say a fight- but hurt by distance, hurt by eroding trust, hurt by a lack of support- there are so many things that don’t have to be deal breakers if there was a template to communicate them but friendships are supposed to “just work” ,so many things go unsaid.

 If I hear one more “no one owes you anything” or “friendships where we don’t speak for 3 years and pick up where we left off >>>”- we have the time and emotional energy for everything apart from developing healthy friendships where expectations are met majority of the time, and hurts and disappointments are being communicated in a healthy and open way.

I’ve had a lot of friendship break-ups after that first text and most of the time, I had no idea why- sometimes, I’m sure there is no reason, we grow in different directions but I know that there must have been situations where there were reasons and I don’t know them because my friend never talked to me about it and that kind of sucks. 

I have much better friendships now with people that communicate their needs clearly. I do the same. I no longer measure closeness by the frequency and length of our conversations. I don’t hesitate to ask for things or time. I am thankful for the things and time that I am given, but I don’t see it as something less than I deserve. I deserve my friends; I deserve their best and they deserve the same too. They deserve to be hurt if they feel abandoned or not listened to, they deserve to question if I’m completely absent from the lives and forget milestones. They deserve praise and unyielding support and trust. They deserve open and honest communication when things aren’t right. I will continue to give that and expect that. You know what that is? Growth.

A Birthday Post

For my birthday this year, I wanted to start with a post titled “30 things I’ve learnt from being 30” or some variation of that. I’ve written 30 lessons and was all set to post it, but I’ve decided to start the new year the way I’ve lived the last year- honestly.

Earlier this year, I published this podcast episode about what it’s like to be 30 and unsuccessful. It was actually really hard to put myself out there like that and I don’t think I can listen to it but I was sick of this idea that 30 was this magical year of success and wealth- I’m sure it is for some people, but it wasn’t for me and it’s not for a lot of people.

Yes, I was sharing the truth, but a big part of me felt like it was the truth before the breakthrough, like obviously I’ve been through this and shared it and only a matter of time before I start seeing the windows to success opening.

I’m 31 and unsuccessful. Oops.

This isn’t a sad post and no, I’m not going to scrounge through my year looking for something that looks like success in order to reframe my story, it is what it is. If you had told me when I was 23, that I would be here, broke and relatively unaccomplished, I would have laughed in disbelief at the guts of you to imagine it.

But yet.

Life is random and interesting and you just never know. I’ve made peace with not controlling outcomes, just processes and for the first time in a long time, I feel…okay.

Happy birthday to me.

A post about my mum

My mum pushed me to the edge of my creativity by making me draw freehand on cakes. I drew so many groovy chick characters that I basically invented my own groovy chick characters. I hand painted wedding cakes, I invented new characters for cupcakes- once I even drew 50 cents on a cake. In retrospect, it’s easy to gather all the signs of acceptance and paint a picture for yourself but at the time, I wanted the movie kind- the YOU ARE MY CHILD LETS TAKE YOU TO ART SCHOOL KIND.

I think the thing that hurts the most, even though everything hurts, is that as I grow older and can understand so many things so much better, she won’t be here. As I teach myself to be more overt in showing affection, I can’t do the same to her.

My mum was the kindest, most thoughtful person ever, but she was so socially awkward. I don’t think we think of parents as being awkward people or people with anxiety or as anything other than people that should be perfect, and I think that’s such a shame. She was a terrible hugger, like she would slap your back awkwardly, I think I inherited that. She wasn’t one to really say “I love you” or “I miss you” but she knew every single friend I had, we talked about all sorts of random stuff, she would buy something if she knew you were interested, if I needed someone to help me find some niche thing, she was there. I always used to be so upset that she wasn’t anticipating my needs that I was overlooking that she was listening when I asked.

My mum was on twitter and Instagram all day everyday, but she got upset with me for not doing her social media management for her brand. I was like muuum you’re on Instagram more than me!

She worked long hours for so many years, most of her life really- often having to reschedule vacations or cut them short because of work. When she finally left the corporate world, I had never seen her happier. She indulged in so many of her hobbies like talking on the phone from 5am (I promise you, you’ve never seen someone talk on the phone more), going to the market (legit, how can going to the market be a hobby), she made so many new friends, spent a lot of time on social media, walked a lot, spent more time with everyone and tried all sorts of new meals. Her vacations weren’t cut short by work and she was like a million times happier. She also got her make-up done sooooo much, she got so good at it too. Apparently, when she was younger, her nick name was “in vogue.”

I think everyone enjoyed events more when my mum was there because you got to go, and then you got to experience it again through her own re-telling. Whenever she went somewhere I didn’t go, I would ask her questions about it for months and get a new piece of information each time, which I would relay on Sunday family day to everyone so that she could tell the story again. When I was with her, I would argue my own point of view vs hers.

My mum liked to say she wasn’t a feminist. But she only liked to say it to rile me and my sister up. She was my biggest example of standing up for yourself and having your own life. She tried so many things, and always aimed to live her best life.

One of her biggest frustrations was that she couldn’t draw. She had so many creative ideas, but she had no way to translate them. She would give me these vague instructions and get annoyed when I said, “I don’t understand what you’re asking me to do”.

Nigerian wedding: expectations vs reality

From the moment you’re engaged, your relationship becomes between you, your partner and a lot of family and friends. I thought I was prepared for this, but I was not. The only thing everyone kept telling me to prepare for was fighting a lot with my partner and our relationship falling apart because of the stress of wedding planning, which was the one thing that didn’t happen. 

leave your expectations at the door

As someone who has been a bridesmaid ten times, you would think I would have known to do this. The first thing I had to give up was my ideal venue. Before I got engaged, I imagined renting out a restaurant and covering it with flowers and having only 300 guests. I had talked about this idea with my family before and everyone was super onboard…until I got engaged. Then, everyone looked at me like it was a ridiculous idea until it started to seem ridiculous to me too. Luckily, My amazing partner, and my dear friend planned a surprise party for me the next week that was as close to my ideal wedding plans as possible. *tears of gratitude*

my gorgeous engagement cake

The cost of everything aka wedding tax

In theory, everyone knows that weddings are expensive. Everyone knows that everything costs more. I still wasn’t prepared for it. The first shock was venues- mate. When I say Pry you say See- Pri-cey. 

In my first meeting with a potential decorator, she asked me what my budget was and laughed when I gave an answer. 

The first reception dress vendor I went to was trying to charge half of a million for the FABRIC. Not the work o- the actual like 3 yards or so of dirty fabric that she pulled from a cupboard. 

Ole ni everybody

The manager of the hall misrepresented herself as the owner and overcharged us by almost double. I only found out after the wedding.

The expectation of being invited 

There were people that don’t even follow me on Instagram, don’t have my number and I’m 100 percent sure have never read a single word of this blog that I’ve had for like 5 years, that expected to be invited to my wedding. Now my wedding wasn’t an invite only thing, people could have turned up if they wanted etc but seriously, a wedding isn’t a free turn up (at least it shouldn’t be), don’t be awkward and expect invites from people that you know you don’t care about in real life. 

The way your brain convinces you into thinking everything makes sense

A pricey hotel room, an expensive car rental, the cost of slippers for guests- for some reason, everything makes sense when you’re in that wedding haze. That’s why it’s important to know beforehand what your absolute nos are because if you don’t decide beforehand, you will end up overspending on things you don’t care about. And don’t think you won’t regret it- post wedding spending regret is very real.

Tips I would recommend and things I would do differently

1.    The DJ is the absolute most important part of your day. Do not pick someone you haven’t heard play a full set before, seriously. I had heard my dj at two weddings before I booked him, so I was sure he was going to be fire. If you have everything sorted and your dj isn’t great, the vibes will be dead.

2.    Give your MC clear instructions about what you want to do- my MC had crystal clear instructions from the planner and he was appropriate and almost abrupt, which was what we wanted. The reception was very quick and I enjoyed that. Think about the wedding from a guest perspective, most people can’t even hear what’s going on on stage, so making it long is just dead.

3.    Hire multiple food vendors to start at different times- I think this was a big key in everyone having food throughout the day. We also made vendor and driver food packs because realistically, you can’t have people working all day and not make arrangements to feed them. My worst nightmare was random guests having to know someone to get food, I’ve been in those situations and it’s not nice.

We had a main caterer that we could trust to feed everyone and then many many many many smaller caterers with food to feed numbers ranging from 100-300 people. We also had bowls of fruit on every table as the centre pieces and boxes of local snacks on each place setting. Basically, there was no chance of going hungry at the wedding. I think at some weddings where you don’t get food, it can seem like it’s because of a lack of food or planning, but most times, it’s because of poor management of food vendors on the day, which brings me to my next point.

4.    The on the day co-ordinator is one of the most important people in the wedding. There’s a difference between wedding planning and wedding co-ordination and I feel like not enough people know that. It’s a shame to spend so much money and time making sure everything is great and then your guests having a poor experience and here’s the thing, you probably won’t ever know, sadly. Your experience as the couple is far removed from people’s experiences as guests. Vet the co-ordinator really really carefully, honestly. I wish I could recommend mine but she came out of retirement to plan and co-rodinate as a favour to my mum and isn’t in the business anymore. 

pre wedding make-up trial

5.    If there are souvenirs that you only want specific people to get (like I made slippers with shoe bags for people to put their shoes in for young guests), include a tag to receive that as part of your access cards. I was bummed that the slippers kept going to people I didn’t intend for them to go to (yes, big auntie, I know you like slippers and shoe bags, but you’re not dancing).

6.    Things are bound to go wrong, take it in your stride and enjoy your day. Ask any of our guests and they’ll tell you I was the happiest bride, because the day only happens once and I could not be bothered for anything to upset me. I had fun with my friends, ignored wardrobe mis-haps and changed into slippers at like 5pm. I didn’t worry about my husband or family, I focused on myself and had a great time. Luckily, most people had a great time too. 

 I’m sure I’m missing out so much, but I’m tired. Drop a comment if you have any questions or vendor recommendations and message me if you want to ask something more private. Also let me know your own planning experience(s)!