What better way to end the month than by sharing my pure, unfiltered thoughts?
I’m going to start by saying thank you. When you set a goal that involves putting yourself out in the world- your work out in the world, the fear that underlies all the other feelings is that no one listens. Your support, which has always meant a lot, has meant even more this week.
To the beautiful women that actually put money on the table by supporting my patreon- Mide, Omoehi and Chioma. It was, and I’m so emotional even writing this, it was a sign to me, that after so long, I’m on the right path. It meant way more than money- it meant the world of faith and support and I’m so grateful for it.
To Ore- who has supported before now and continued to support throughout. I appreciate your loud and unrelenting support. To Lanu, who goes out of her way to make sure I know that she loves and appreciates my work. To Ife, long time reader and avid commenter- even when I was highly inconsistent, you never ever ever stopped reading. Sometimes it felt like I was just writing for you, thank you! Yoma, Taynement, Nai, Afoma- always sharing, always commenting, always giving feedback, I love it, thank you.
To everyone else that has been with me, I may not know you personally, but I feel your support, thank you!
The last few days have been heavy. It’s been hard to be a black woman existing in a world that hates both. People have been asking “where is it safe to be a woman?” and the answer is- nowhere. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
I was 13 and in a neighbours house with my cousins and siblings. In the maybe 5 minutes when I was alone with her brother, he lifted me up and put his hand under my dress. I jerked up, and ran out, shouting to my siblings and cousins to come after me on my way out. This lasted maybe 3 seconds but I remember the music playing and the exact dress I was wearing. Like a week or so after, my mum called me to have a talk about going around with men. One of the staff had reported to her that they had seen me alone with this man- and he was a man, he was in university. Her lesson was “even though you know you did nothing wrong in private, you can’t explain that to everyone, so you have to avoid putting yourself in situations that look bad”.
I took that lesson to heart for so long and it has taken me so long to unlearn it- I’m still trying. Every woman has had that sort of lesson from someone, parent or not. On a generous day, I can see that it comes from a fearful but positive place, where women are so conditioned to focus their energy on teaching younger women to keep themselves safe because they don’t believe in men changing. They don’t understand the part they play in keeping things the same. For so long, it’s been up to women to be hyper aware, hyper strong, hyper guilty, hyper good. We have been unable to just exist even for a few days without fear or expectation. There are very few women that are able to exist without the burden of guilt.
I am very proud of myself for reaching this goal. I have tried and failed at this so many times. To have achieved it feels amazing and I can’t wait to share all my lessons from this month.
All this recent trauma will mark another turning point for thinking and for action. If you think covid has opened your mind, expect the aftermath of this to be more opening. I know that for me, it has become even more important to create work and to share it. It has become more important for me to tell as many stories as I can, centering black women. It has become more important to get out of my own way and beat down my ego and create and listen and learn and share. Always share. Always support. Always grow.
I love you guys so much and congratulations to me!