Ask Dami- Episode 2

Dear Dami,

I started a weekly advice column on my blog to answer questions and dilemmas that people may have. I used some old questions in my first column to give people a chance to see questions answered before committing to sharing their questions and dilemmas. For the next week, I reminded people on social media about asking questions and tried to boost the post as much as possible. I received no questions. As it’s only my second week, do you think I should give up? Or give it a chance?

Thank you.

Embarrassed Blogger.

Dear Embarrassed Blogger,

Well done for starting something new! It is always scary to present oneself as any sort of “expert” on a subject and it’s a brave thing to have put yourself out there like that. Ultimately, you have to remember why you decided to start an advice column. If it’s to give people a space to share and be helped, then allow that to happen naturally. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed that your offer wasn’t taken up just yet. Give it some time and continue to show people that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to show and share that vulnerability, to remind people that they aren’t alone. Well done again and I hope your column eventually picks up steam.

Love, Dami.

Dear Dami,

Every time I’m alone with my thoughts and goals, I feel sure and inspired and I love my work but the moment I share it, I feel silly and can’t help but seek external validation. How do I get to a place where I can maintain that feeling of sureness I have before I share my work?

Chronic self-doubter

Dear Chronic self doubter,

You are not alone. We are constantly listening to the thoughts of hundreds and sometimes, thousands of people very quickly on social media. That’s a lot of noise and some of it is bound to get in your subconscious. On an emotional level, you need to identify the feedback that makes you feel most badly about yourself and figure out why. It may be something that you aspire to, and feel like you cannot achieve and on the other end, it can just be things that trigger bad feelings about yourself. Either way, you need to curate the information you take in and unfollow and block anything that consistently creates negative feelings. That includes removing people from following you on your social media if they only say negative things to you.

On a practical level, use those moments of self assuredness to create as much as possible and schedule things, so that in the moments of self doubt, you don’t have to also create and share on top of those negative feelings.

Keep going. You will find your tribe, it will get easier and your voice will get stronger.

Love, Dami.

To ask any questions, please contact me here

Ask Dami- Episode 1

Hello, Hello, Hello!

A few weeks ago, I announced on instagram that I was going to start an Ask Dami advice column to be posted weekly, on Fridays. In true life fashion, I promptly carried on with my life without doing what I said and finally, I decided to just do it! In this first instalment, I will be using questions I got on an Instagram stories question box when I asked “Ask Me About Marriage”.

Is it Normal to want alone time away from your partner?

Absolutely. Marriage doesn’t stop you from being an individual and it is natural as an individual to want space and alone time. If you’re at a point where your partner’s desire for space makes you feel de-prioritised or you only ever want space, then that may become a cause for concern.

Is it normal for someone who’s getting married to be in contact with ex’s parents?

Sometimes the relationships created through romantic relationships outlast the romantic relationships themselves. It really depends on what the relationship is and why it exists. The discomfort shouldn’t come solely from the fact that it’s the ex’s parents- really take time to figure out what exactly makes you comfortable about the actual relationship beyond the idea of it and then discuss that with your partner.

is it true that the most sex you’ll have is when you’re dating?

You will always have as much sex as you both want and are able to have. Obviously, lots of things affect how much sex you are able to have- desire, hormones, life. The thing that matters most in a romantic relationship is intimacy and that’s for every couple to define for themselves. Intimacy may be cuddling on the sofa every night or going to bed at the same time so you can catch up on each other’s days without distraction. Prioritise intimacy and let sex fall where it falls.

what would you never compromise in a relationship

I would never compromise by being with someone that needs me to be someone else. I think someone being fully accepting of you as an individual is a necessary first step for a healthy relationship.

what do you wish you knew before marriage

That expectations of your partner will change. If you don’t anticipate that, it may come as a shock. No matter how in control of your conscious you are, your subsconscious has its own ideas about marriage that you won’t be aware of until you actually get married. If you’re aware of that beforehand, you can recognise whether those expectations actually fit into your relationship or if they are just things you’ve been taught to want. You can also recognise those things in your partner and work together to adjust them for your actual relationship.

how do you and your husband fight and do you think you fight well?

I think we fight worse now that we did at the start of our relationship when we were poster kids for “fighting well”- very thoughtful, considerate and aimed at resolution. A lot of the time now, we are fighting fights we’ve fought before and will fight again, because we know each other so well and also know that the outcome of the fight has no consequences, so don’t really fight for resolution in the same way.

Our fights now sometimes can be unfair, because when there’s a way in which you’re different or there’s something you don’t agree on, it can be frustrating because you’re supposed to be partners. Ultimately, the fight is temporary, we acknowledge any way in which the other person was unfair and we move on from the fight, even though we haven’t necessarily reached a resolution on the underlying issue, because sometimes, there just isn’t a resolution and we live to fight another day.

To get answers on your pressing life questions answered in a future column, please email or DM me . All questions will be confidential by default.