I’ve always felt like I talk too much. Whether that’s true or it’s internalised from my family calling my honesty “unwise” when I was growing up, I don’t know, but in conversations, my subconscious starts a guage, measuring the length of my responses compared to the other person/people in the conversation- my guage always comes back with one response- yes, you do talk too much.
The thing about growing up is that you’re forved to confront things often- your relationships, your thoughts, your opinions of yourself and it can be exhausting and not lead anywhere. Even though I’m constantly examining this “talk too much”, I haven’t come up with solutions. Do I just need friends that validate my talk? Do I need to talk less? Do I need to channel my talk energy into something else?
About 9 months into my relationship with my current partner, we spent 10 days in the guest room of another couple’s home. One morning, my friend said she heard me talking a mile a minute and my now partners engaged responses and that to her was a sign that we were meant to be together. When I was even younger- say 14 or 15, I sat in a parked car talking to my mum and a few days later, a friend told me he saw us and was fascinated by the fact that my mum was engaged in the conversation and was listening to me.
In both those cases, my friends were saying “it’s rare to find someone who listens, who is engaged, who cares so much”- they weren’t saying I talk too much. Of course, on the worst days when my guage has signalled that I’ve talked not just too much, but waaaay too much, I twist those instances and use it as justification that yes- everyone agrees I talk too much.
This is a problem that needs a solution. How am I to ever relax into relationships when that guage still exists, when I’m constantly replaying conversations and wondering “was that too much? just enough?”
All of this sounds like I’m a fountain of availability and talk in my relationships, when the overwhelming feedback from my friends is that i’m…cold. And often hard to read.
I’m extremely jealous of people for whom these things are effortless. But then, how do we know? If we don’t see into everyone’s head, how do we know if they have gauges and if those gauges are always showing them the opposite of what they aim for?
I thought simply writing out my thoughts would lead me to a conclusion one way or another, but here I am, at the end of this, still wondering, do I talk too much?