For the longest time, religion was a huge part of my life- I was a leader of many church groups, I went to night vigils, I water fasted for 3 days before getting dunked in dirty river water for baptism, I signed a virginity pledge, I didn’t drink or smoke or do anything “immoral” in uni and the few times I kissed someone or something like that, I wrote long pages in my journal berating myself. When I joined a church in uni, I didn’t just go on sundays, I stayed after service for groups, went to events and hosted a weekly bible study in my house. Even now, I have bible verses at the tip of my tongue for every situation because I’ve been to bible school with the high marks to prove my proficiency.
I’m not sure exactly when it started to slide away. I started to realise that you don’t need religion to be good- lots of people live the exact good life that religion promotes without being religious- but on the other hand, religion makes it much easier to be bad. Many bigots hinge their beliefs on religion because otherwise, it just wouldn’t make sense. When you can’t explain your disdain for someone or something that isn’t harmful with anything other than “that’s what the book says”, you have to wonder why it’s so important to have it.
The platitudes frustrate me. In the midst of my deepest grief, I felt extreme anger at people that had nothing to offer but religious platitudes. Bible verses don’t replace showing up, or being thoughtful or just taking a moment to do something from a place of empathy. The guest book after my mum died was full of “God knows best” and other such meaningless words. Would it kill a person to just write “we were classmates and we laughed at the teacher together”. Righteousness is often a cloak from actual humanity- from actually doing the work to connect to people, to work hard, to figure out what you believe, what your morality is- to question, to always question what’s right and what’s wrong.
You cannot pick and choose when to be a human being and when to be a divine being. Your prayer does not replace your actions.