Lately, I've been scared of blogging- I've reached peak anxiety and I would draft a post/ many posts on google docs- on notes- on word- via email and it would be time to post and I would sign in to squarespace and then...just not be able to. I'm not sure what's happening- or why it's happening, but it's a kind of paralysis that also spreads to other areas- where- I find myself unable to do the things I really want to do...it's hard to explain how you just start to do things and just...can't.
Sometimes, I think we give our minds too much credit- kind of like, if we think it, it must be true- but minds are full of all sorts of untrue things- and sometimes, the only thing you can do is literally ignore your thoughts and feelings and just do what you set out to do regardless.
Have you ever gotten on a plane and gotten convinced that everything that happened that day leading up to that plane journey was a bad sign? Like a friend texts you out of the blue- or you forgot your favourite shirt and you never forget your favourite shirt or that morning you woke up and felt too tired and considered moving your flight- so everything takes on this significance and you're convinced that it means something. Then you take off, land, get off and realise that your mind made the entire thing up.
I feel like in Nigeria, it's easier to listen to your mind instead of just doing things, because when everyone is trying to tell you how best to live your life- your own mind is all you have. It's an extra delicate balance of using your mind to set goals and then ignoring it when you're trying to be consistent.
Does any of this even make sense?